To not go to the funeral....

[whirleywoo]

My OH's Dad passed away suddenly in a car accident. He lived quite some distance away (over 300 miles) and I had only met him on a few occasions. However, my OH had a good relationship with him and is understandably devastated.

When we got the phone call about the accident we dropped everything and we went travelled to be with his step-mum as she has no other family and friends living nearby. This was not easy as I have a child (my child, not my OH) with very complex needs who needs specialist care. I stayed with them as long I could before having to come home for my son.

OH's Dad did not want a formal funeral and there will be a meet at the crematorium of 10 people with a poem read, 2 songs played and then drinks afterwards. When I was told of the potential date I said I would try my best but to bare in mind there was a multi-disciplinary meeting booked with every professional involved in my son's care that day in the afternoon which has taken 18 months to arrange including a court order. I then arranged to attend the meeting virtually so I could be at the funeral and also attend the meeting, thinking I could do both in the same day.

Despite various time options on the day, the crematorium has been booked for the exact time the meeting starts. My OH wants me there but said he did not tell his step-mum about my son's meeting as he wanted to go with whatever time she wanted.

What he now wants is for me to travel up, do the meeting virtually whilst the funeral takes place and just be around before and after it. This is not easy as it's a 600 mile round drive for me and I'll need to arrange two days and nights of care for my son, plus he'll miss two medical appointments.

I want to be there for OH but equally I am starting to consider not going. Would i be unreasonable not to go?

My OH wants me there but said he did not tell his step-mum about my son's meeting as he wanted to go with whatever time she wanted. that was his mistake then. He's a dick. Why doesn't he care about your son's meeting.

He didn't even talk to his step-mother about the funeral timings though

You really cannot go to the funeral.
This sounds like a hugely important meeting for your DS.

Your ds comes first.

I don’t think you have a choice. You must be at the meeting.

Why would he?
Oh sorry step mother, I know it's your husbands funeral, but if you could avoid such and such time because I want my girlfriend there, but she has these meetings you see. If you can accommodate that during your grief that would be great.

What the hell! It's a multidisciplinary meeting, has taken 18 months to arrange and is about your DC's health and wellbeing, FORGET the funeral. Your DC comes first.

Your DP is grieving and that's hard but you have to be present and focused for this meeting. It's not up for negotiation and he should understand the importance.

Your OH wants you there.
Your child needs the outcome of the meeting that you need to attend.
Your OH had options and choices to make. He chose the least convenient time for you despite knowing the circumstances and now he’s putting his expectations on you.

No. Just no.

Your child will always take priority and your OH needs to understand that. His fuck up shouldn’t jeopardise your DC’s care.

Go to the meeting.

That's fine, his choice to make but then he needs to accept that his girlfriend won't be at the funeral.

She can't miss the meeting so his choices were to tell his stepmother that he really wants his girlfriend there to support him and that's only possible if they can work around a meeting that is critical to her son's wellbeing or to keep quiet, let her choose and hope it didn't clash. It's a perfectly reasonable choice, a shame it didn't work out in his favour but he made the choice and if he's not happy, well that's a shame but he made his choice.

Please put your son first and attend the multi disciplinary meeting in person and also don't miss the other appointments. The funeral could have been arranged on a different day but it wasn't.

The funeral wouldn't have taken anywhere near as much arranging as your big meeting. Xx

The medical appointments come following a tribunal decision, both of which are the first appointments following the resultant court order. It's a big week for him / me. Even the first point on the meeting agenda is an argument between school, the LA and NHS on who is funding and staffing what.

What are the chances of this happening?

No idea. But it's driving me insane.

Wild horses wouldn't keep me from one of DH's family funerals. You have metaphorical wild horses. There's just no way you can do it.

In a way it's maybe a good thing that the service time clashes with your DS appointment.

It really doesn't sound like a meeting you should be attending remotely, going in person means there might be a chance to talk to some of the professionals before and after the session.

If your OH does not understand why you have to be there for the session, then maybe he isn't the one for you.

Well luckily for the OP he's not her husband. He's her boyfriend.

And her son's her son.

Do NOT miss this!!! I have so many clients that I fight for in court on similar issues, these meetings are life and death and take an age to arrange. Please attend.

You have to put your DS first! Your OH should be understanding, and you definitely shouldn't be worried about his reaction - yes, it's expected that he'd be disappointed you can't go but it's 300 MIL away and you have a very important prior appointment for your son.

You've already been hugely supportive.

I get this. This is actually what was going through my head and felt awful about it. I didn't want to constrain things with my personal situation. But none of the 10 have any commitments (8 are over 70 and then there should be OH and me). When I asked if there had been other time options that day and were told there were I was upset as I felt this could have been avoided. My entire post came from a point of this could of being avoided is that still selfish when someone is grieving.

I'm sorry. I'm glad your instincts have kicked in regarding your son (and I hope the meetings go well. It sounds very stressful)

It's hard to tell whether this is a general feeling of your feelings/life don't matter and you're expected to fit in around his. And how much is grief speaking.

But if it was important to him for you to attend he should have raised it. You have unavoidable appointments. You cannot miss them.

How has he reacted when you told him?

100% attend the meeting for your child in person (if anything went wrong with internet connection it would be awful - and you couldn’t guarantee this, where would you even do it?) , his needs are far greater and sounds like this has very long term implications

His dad is dead, you weren’t close to his step mum. Your son is alive and needs you fighting for him. I have no experience of these meetings but it sounds massive and you HAVE to be there. Your OH has made no compromises at all, he’s expecting you to inconvenience yourself and your child and giving no thought to you or your responsibilities. Grief is complicated but he’s being selfish and demanding. If he gives you shit about not going that’s a dealbreaker.

I've not told him yet. I've been thinking about it for three days, hence this post.

IMO your DC comes first. Hopefully he will understand. YANBU. I know he’s in shock & bereaved but does he really understand/empathise with the implications of this meeting for your don’s care?

Could you suggest a kind of “ceremony” / some kind of other ritual you could do with him - on another time? Eg organise a pm away to travel up after to visit the grave (just you two), visit his SM, write out a special poem or reading for your DH & get a nice photo of the two of them together framed & give him?? Obviously not to replicate the funeral but to show you care & are there to support him through it, but that you literally cannot split yourself in two.
That is, if you can take a night away from your DS.