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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quite enjoy this even though it won't paint me in a good light

280 replies

Explaintome · 28/09/2022 18:48

I didn't have a particularly happy school life. I was, in the parlance of the day, "a boffin", had my little group of friends but we were the misfits without much in common except that we had no one else. I didn't keep in touch with any of them after school.

I enjoyed, but wasn't good at sport and was teased for wanting to try and called names for studying hard and behaving well.

Anyway, 30 odd years on (yes 30!) I am an accomplished professional and run for a club at a decent standard, for my age.

My biggest tormentor has started coming to parkrun, where I am very much a part of the community, know lots of people and am (I believe) popular among them. I usually finish in the top 5 or so women, then enjoy coffee and chat with friends for an hour or so afterwards.

Tormentor comes alone and is a much slower runner than me. Exactly the person who parkrun is for and who I would usually make an effort to include and support.

Bearing in mind what happened, a really long time ago, I quite enjoy her seeing me thriving. She may be thirving too, butnits not obvious at pr. I'm polite in that I say hello, but make no further effort.

Obviously I'm not over my school life or I wouldn't care. I've succeeded professionally in the end, but at least the first decade (possibly two) of my working life was marred by three feeling that I would never be liked/respected/included, that in part came from how she and people like her treated me at school.

Am I really awful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:16

sagalooshoe · 28/09/2022 21:10

I too would feel glad if someone who looked down on me suddenly wanted to be where I was.

However, she was a child when she tormented you. You have no idea how much she has grown and changed as a person. Enjoy the superiority for a couple of weeks then get off your bitchy high horse and include her. Be a good person, not a grudgebearer.

I haven't not included her. I say hello and congratulate her when she finishes. She hasn't shown any sign that she wants more than that.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 28/09/2022 21:17

I could understand a bit of schadenfreude if you were more professionally successful or something, but feeling this smug because you're faster at parkrun is truly mind boggling to me.

If you started one of her hobbies or interests she'd be much better than you and you'd be the social outsider. It's just so far from something that matters. If anything, she's the one putting herself out there and trying something new, surely that's better for bragging rights?

Nameless3 · 28/09/2022 21:18

Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:15

Depends on the course. Ours is 3 laps to make 5k. Several are.

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Parkrun sounds bloody awful. I thought it was supposed to be fun.

Original poster
Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:19

PollyAmour · 28/09/2022 21:03

Going against the grain, I think you are behaving disgracefully, and it would be far better to offer your friendship and support, instead of this Mean Girls stance you have adopted.

Exactly what have I done that's disgraceful?

Apart from a few thoughts, I haven't done anything at all other than be politely pleasant.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 28/09/2022 21:19

JugglingJanuary · 28/09/2022 19:13

humble brag

i don't think there's anything humble about it!

@Explaintome you were kids at school, 30!years on you're (supposedly) grown adults. I wouldn't have blamed you for keeping a wary distance, not at all. But your post here is actually pretty nasty. We get it, you're a better runner, popular, successful and you think you're so much better than her. It makes you feel superior.

yes, she was horrible when you were kids, but often those children have issues & troubles at home.

I think gloating now does show you in a terrible light.

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Wow! 'Gloating' is a harsh word for OP's harmless pleasure in running faster than her former bully!

OP says I quite enjoy her seeing me thriving. ... I'm polite in that I say hello, but make no further effort. Nothing nasty about that. Just a woman's well-earned happiness at showing the school bullies didn't crush her.

noomchikka · 28/09/2022 21:20

Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:15

Depends on the course. Ours is 3 laps to make 5k. Several are.

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Ok, well, I think it sounds as though you are still taking your self-esteem from external sources - like the idea of this person noticing that you are lapping her, or you being gleeful even if she hasn't noticed because you measure yourself against others rather than being content within yourself.

I also think you've made great progress to get yourself to a position where you feel more comfortable with yourself. In your shoes my next goal would be to become confident and content without needing to compare myself to others.

So, to answer your question, YANBU because this where you are now in your self-esteem journey, but probably there is more work ahead of you.

whoopdedo · 28/09/2022 21:21

OK so your child is having a terrible time at school at the hands of someone who has a terrible homelife. That's OK? It doesn't have a lasting effect on them?

Of course it's not ok but that is a child that we're taking about - a child. People change as they grow up. Are you the exact same person that you were as a child? Did you never do anything awful to others as a child? I recall telling someone to *£&@ off as a child and would NEVER behave like that now. I am deeply ashamed of how I spoke to that person and have befriended them as an adult. They have been lovely enough to ignore the past.

WitTanks · 28/09/2022 21:21

I can understand you feeling that way but you do sound very smug and irritating with your 'all I've achieved' posts

LizCrust · 28/09/2022 21:21

Enjoy your moment!! I would!!

The best revenge is a life lived well - and even better, to show the tormentor/s that you are now a full 10/10.

I'm pleased for you OP. I hope the tormentor stays at home and doesn't come back.

Unless she has the guts to apologise for her wicked behaviour when she was young, I don't see you owe her anything.

You'll probably only find current and former bullies defending her on here! LOL. Isn't it always the way?

Original poster
Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:22

JenniferBarkley · 28/09/2022 21:17

I could understand a bit of schadenfreude if you were more professionally successful or something, but feeling this smug because you're faster at parkrun is truly mind boggling to me.

If you started one of her hobbies or interests she'd be much better than you and you'd be the social outsider. It's just so far from something that matters. If anything, she's the one putting herself out there and trying something new, surely that's better for bragging rights?

Yes, that's why I'm proud of myself. I had to "put myself out there" and try something new to get here and with a history of being bullied in social situations.

OP posts:
TimeToGoUpAGear · 28/09/2022 21:22

Op, I get it. I'd feel exactly the same if I saw the girls that were mean to me at school.

You are doing nothing wrong. Enjoy the feeling!

OhFatty · 28/09/2022 21:22

@VioletInsolence I know. I still feel sick today, we should have taken her out of school, or at least done something. We had meetings etc but were just told she needed to toughen up, and like a fool I believed them

She was 12 when it started and I do wonder if that’s why she didn’t grow. I don’t suppose it has any bearing, but I wonder. She really struggles to make friends now, I’d love her to find her people or even just one or two. She’s got so much love to give but just won’t trust anyone.

Letsgotitans · 28/09/2022 21:23

You are a better person that I am! I don't think I could be so polite to my childhood bully

I don't think you are doing anything wrong or unreasonable

LizCrust · 28/09/2022 21:23

And I really wouldn't come to MN for an opinion on this. They'll ruin your moment. There's always someone on here rooting for the bullies in life.

Skip off dear OP and just enjoy the sensation of feeling fulfilled.

Original poster
Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:24

WitTanks · 28/09/2022 21:21

I can understand you feeling that way but you do sound very smug and irritating with your 'all I've achieved' posts

I'm not saying that to anyone at all, ever IRL and it's all relative anyway. The "all" I've achieved is no doubt modest by many people's standards, but it's so much more than I believed was possible when my self esteem had been destroyed by these people.

OP posts:
nomilk1sugar · 28/09/2022 21:24

ReneBumsWombats · 28/09/2022 21:06

Enjoy. Life is peaks and troughs for everyone.

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Sure is. I had a 8 year trough and am currently in a peak. Life isn't exactly bliss now but it's still a whole lot better than it was before all this kicked off.

ChicagoCubsFan · 28/09/2022 21:25

I had a horrendous childhood with abusive parents. I had ‘a lot going on’ and pressures on me that many others probably couldn’t imagine. I wasn’t a bully. Bullying is always a choice.

Brontetoast · 28/09/2022 21:25

Unless you’ve been badly treated for most of your school life then don’t think you can appreciate how scarred that can leave you.

Yes they might have had other underlying problems going on in their life but they were the trauma going on in my life.

Ofcourseshecan · 28/09/2022 21:25

Darbs76 · 28/09/2022 21:10

The town I grew up in, hardly anyone has left! I left 20yrs ago but all my old school friends remain and see old school friends all the time. I’d say that’s pretty standard for small towns

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Many of my family now live within a few miles of where they were born -- some of them having returned after living in other parts of the country and the world. They like the place, and the people they've known all their lives. So why not?

Original poster
Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:26

OhFatty · 28/09/2022 21:22

@VioletInsolence I know. I still feel sick today, we should have taken her out of school, or at least done something. We had meetings etc but were just told she needed to toughen up, and like a fool I believed them

She was 12 when it started and I do wonder if that’s why she didn’t grow. I don’t suppose it has any bearing, but I wonder. She really struggles to make friends now, I’d love her to find her people or even just one or two. She’s got so much love to give but just won’t trust anyone.

She should come to parkrun 😆 I mean it. I mean, you even find people who are perfectly pleasant to their former bully 😉

OP posts:
Travellingwomble · 28/09/2022 21:29

If she was a similar person now as then I probably would feel the same, but the likelihood is that she is embarrassed by her behaviour and would prefer to forget it.

Met one of the teachers a year sgo. She and a colleague were horrible to me, i had lost my father to cancer as a young teenager and went off the rails a bit. I just chatted to her, she was sort of embarrassed. I could have just ignored her but hopefully she realised that her assumptions about me were wrong and I had done OK for myself, just as well as some of her student 'pets'.

guerrillagirl · 28/09/2022 21:30

Those saying you should feel sorry for her obviously have no idea the long lasting effects of childhood bullying. Stop making excuses for the bullies! Good on you OP, for quietly and gracefully enjoying your success - I love a good underdog story!!

LoupsGarous · 28/09/2022 21:32

PollyAmour · 28/09/2022 21:03

Going against the grain, I think you are behaving disgracefully, and it would be far better to offer your friendship and support, instead of this Mean Girls stance you have adopted.

But what has the OP done wrong? She’s neutrally polite, greets her, doesn’t jeer at the slow runner, or exclude or bully her — she simply doesn’t go the extra mile to be ultra-friendly and inclusive. Presumably other people are free to do so.

JenniferBarkley · 28/09/2022 21:32

Explaintome · 28/09/2022 21:22

Yes, that's why I'm proud of myself. I had to "put myself out there" and try something new to get here and with a history of being bullied in social situations.

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Years ago. You put yourself out years ago. Of course you're a faster runner, you've been doing it longer.

Like I say, I'm not above a bit of schadenfreude at all, but this is something so inconsequential that she probably doesn't think about from one end of the week to the next.

DickDarstedly · 28/09/2022 21:33

@Itsacafe

amazed you both still live where you went to school though and you see people around and remember them. Very unusual

What a strange thing to say. I have lived all my life (60 years) in the same area of London and so have most of my school friends. I see people I know from primary school, secondary school, my kids’ school etc. all the time. If I go shopping, get on a bus or go to a social event it’s very likely I will see someone I knew at school, or a member of their family.