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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel plans with friend if she won't pick me up?

108 replies

ainuu · 27/09/2022 13:16

So my friend invited me to her local pub at the weekend (opposite her house) she lives over a hour away and said I will pick you up.
So I said great that sounds like a plan and il get the trains/bus home (it's 2 trains and a bus ) which takes just short of 2 hours but I thought 1 way isn't too bad.
Then she says "actually thinking about it its easier for me if you do the same coming as well "

Now I just don't fancy doing all that travelling as it was bad enough doing it the way home never mind getting there too.
So I suggested meeting halfway and she takes the train and we meet in middle-she said no she can't be bothered with that carry on on a Saturday and just wants to roll home drunk.
I honestly can't be bothered to do all the travelling
Aibu to cancel ?

OP posts:
SomeCleverUsername · 27/09/2022 16:37

No pub trip is worth one party doing 2 hours travelling (her picking you up and taking you there) and the other doing 3 hours!

Either has to be a compromise or a whole day / special night event imo.

If you can't stay at hers could she drive to yours, go to your local pub and stay at yours?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/09/2022 16:45

If you live far apart, it will always be inconvenient for someone if not both. Either you meet half way or you alternate. Doesn’t sound like she’s giving anything.

pictish · 27/09/2022 16:57

Oh no fuck that…especially if it’s always on her terms. Time to start asserting your own wishes and expecting equal effort.

Musti · 27/09/2022 16:59

It seems like a lot of hassle either way. Even if she has 2 kids, couldn’t you crash in one of their rooms and they share or on the sofa etc? I’ve not had a spare room for years but make it work when friends stay over.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2022 17:05

Fuck that, she wants you to make all the effort, she offered to do one way collection and then withdrew that offer and she can't be bothered making to easier for you by meeting half way either, pure selfishness on her part, I'd cancel

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2022 17:06

ainuu · 27/09/2022 14:46

Yeah I'm deffo going to cancel.
Call me old but I would rather stay in and order a takeaway and watch strictly.

And a nice bottle of vino, sounds much better to me, Enjoy!

nancydroo · 27/09/2022 17:12

Definitely cancel.

HangOnToYourself · 27/09/2022 17:23

Takeaway and a bottle.of wine sounds much nicer and cheaper

Courgeon · 27/09/2022 17:27

I live in the South of a major British city, some close friends live in the north, it's a mission to either end on public transport so we meet in the city centre (half an hour's traveling time) as that's what's fair and sensible. That's what you and your friend need to do. I'd only travel 2 hours on public transport for a big event and be would expect the offer to stay over as well not travel back for hours on my own late at night.

KangFang · 27/09/2022 17:33

That shit would be cancelled to the nth degree, if it was me.
Fuck that.

278Newnames · 27/09/2022 17:43

ainuu · 27/09/2022 15:10

No it's only a hour away by car but there's no direct train.
So I have to go back on myself to get the next train to her city to then get the bus to her area.
You could do it in a car in 50 mins /1 hour

She shouldn't have offered you a lift and then cancelled that offer.

And it shouldn't always be on her terms, at the location of her choice.

That said, her giving you a lift would take her two hours (to get to you and then back to hers) to save you one hour. I can see why it is not such a straightforward thing.

Sunnytwobridges · 27/09/2022 18:02

Sounds like too much trouble just to go to the pub. If it was to see a concert or a major play or something i would consider it but I don't think going to the pub is worth it.

Upwiththelark76 · 27/09/2022 18:36

It’s a NO from me. Rude of her . Cancel and say you can’t be bothered with the faff !

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 27/09/2022 18:57

Sod that.

mamabear715 · 27/09/2022 18:58

Feck THAT.
With friends like that..

TwinsAndTiramisu · 27/09/2022 19:18

I think it's really relevant if you have children or not OP.

I have toddler twins. I get zero downtime. If we want to go out, it takes a lot of planning and a lot of expense for a babysitter. It happens rarely.

My childless friends would absolutely drive to me - not because parents are entitled to special treatment, but because they have the decency to grant me the opportunity to actually get ready once I've put the children to bed, rather than have to pay for someone to look after the children whilst I get ready, in order to drive to them instead. It makes a big difference.

If I were to have a friend suggest dinner, and they drove 2hrs to me, they would leave at 5.30pm, arrive at 7.30. I've got the children safely to bed and had an hour or so to wind down and get ready and look forward to the evening. We would take a taxi 20 minutes to a restaurant, few drinks after and then we'd be home by 11, and I'm relieving the babysitter (lets say 4hrs, £10phr...£40) and home ready to sleep and look after children in the morning. Friend gets home at 1am.

If I had to meet her, even half way I would need to leave at 6.30pm. In order to do that someone else would need to put the children to bed and I would need to get ready from say 5.30pm. Babysitter arrives at 5.30pm. I slope off to get ready, and children most likely play up with a different, new person attempting to put them to bed) so I'm harrassed, stressed and trying to get out of the door by half 6 with one shoe half on and applying lippy. Hours drive there, and very aware that should anything happen, I'm at least an hour away, so I'm less relaxed. Meet friend, same thing, dinner, few drinks after, then it's the hour drive home, so I'm returning more like 12am. Pay the babysitter (6.5 hours this time, so £65), I'm getting to sleep more like 1am. Then wake up to looking after the children around 6.30am. All of this, in order for my friend to leave at 6.30pm instead of 5.30pm? None of my friend's would be that uncaring.

Technically is it "equal" travel time on the first scenario? No. Would any of my friends be that much of an arse to make me go through scenario 2 with all those extra hassles because their priority was to make sure they got to do an equal car journey? Also, no.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 20:21

What a lot of waffle @twins. Its nothing to do with having children. Who pays for 4 trains and 2 buses for probably 2 drinks? Who spends four hours for those two drinks? Its insanity to expect another person to do that, especially since the friend refused the use of their sofa overnight.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 27/09/2022 20:34

Well...if that's what they've arranged, as two people who live two hours apart,one restricted with two young children, and the other restricted as she can't drive...

And it's everything to do with having children. Before I had mine, I would drive to the friend who had to wait until they had put their children down before they could even think about getting ready, paying for a babysitter, be home as a reasonable time because children would be waking them up at 6am. Because I only had myself to think about. She had herself and her children. My consideration for her far more difficult logistics given the children she had to work around trumped my desire to make my journey a bit easier. I could go out locally whenever I liked anyway. I had plenty of easy nights as and when I liked. Whereas this would be a rarity for her.

I agree, personally I wouldn't bother going out for two drinks regardless of the commute to get there, but that's what they've discussed so...

Abraxan · 28/09/2022 07:30

purplecorkheart · 27/09/2022 13:22

I wouldn't go to be honest. Nearly two hours each way to go to the pub and the expense and the fact that she would not travel halfway says that she values her time much more than yours.

The friend offered.
Op agreed to go after the offer.
Offer is now withdrawn after plans made.

Op, I'd cancel. The pub isn't with 4 hours travelling.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 16/11/2022 10:46

YANBU to cancel - the original offer was that she picks you up and that means that you can start the chatting and catching up from the moment you get in the car. Sitting on public transport for an hour at your own expense is much less fun. Meeting half way is much better and if she can't be arsed to do any travelling herself she can hardly blame you for feeling similar - it sounds like neither of you want to put much in to this meetup but it's better for it not to happen at all than for one person to do all the effort and the other to do none.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/11/2022 13:46

@FaazoHuyzeoSix - did you post on this thread (prior to your message the last post was back in September '22) because you clicked on it as it was in a "You might also like" section on another thread???

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 16/11/2022 14:19

Argh sorry for resurrecting a Zombie - yes I had previously been on www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4678547-to-tell-her-she-needs-to-cancel which is a new thread today, and this thread must have caught my eye. That thread has 5 threads in its "You might also like" section, 2 of which are recent, then there's this one, one from July and one from April!

Not a very useful new feature!

StressedOutMumBex · 17/11/2022 23:25

ainuu · 27/09/2022 13:16

So my friend invited me to her local pub at the weekend (opposite her house) she lives over a hour away and said I will pick you up.
So I said great that sounds like a plan and il get the trains/bus home (it's 2 trains and a bus ) which takes just short of 2 hours but I thought 1 way isn't too bad.
Then she says "actually thinking about it its easier for me if you do the same coming as well "

Now I just don't fancy doing all that travelling as it was bad enough doing it the way home never mind getting there too.
So I suggested meeting halfway and she takes the train and we meet in middle-she said no she can't be bothered with that carry on on a Saturday and just wants to roll home drunk.
I honestly can't be bothered to do all the travelling
Aibu to cancel ?

I'd tell her you cant be arsed to get 2 trains and a bus both ways so wont be coming after all

KimberleyClark · 18/11/2022 00:21

It’s totally unreasonable of her to expect you to do a four hour round trip for a night out at the pub.

sue20 · 19/11/2022 12:50

SmallPrawnEnergy · 27/09/2022 13:29

She invited you, you can’t be bothered travelling so just cancel. Expecting her to pick you up is unreasonable
OP accepted the invite on the proviso her friend would pick her up. Friend is the one who can’t be bothered. I suspect the OP wouldn’t have agreed if that was the case.

Why don’t people read? Or is comprehension not taught anymore?

Am I the only one who finds the Mumsnet trail of questions and answers and timings of input very confusing? This surely explains the missed updates better than comprehension issues. Sorry to go off topic. My answer to that is that sadly the friend is really not interested in having the meet up. Obviously 4 hours plus travelling for a night in the pub is crazy.

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