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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel plans with friend if she won't pick me up?

108 replies

ainuu · 27/09/2022 13:16

So my friend invited me to her local pub at the weekend (opposite her house) she lives over a hour away and said I will pick you up.
So I said great that sounds like a plan and il get the trains/bus home (it's 2 trains and a bus ) which takes just short of 2 hours but I thought 1 way isn't too bad.
Then she says "actually thinking about it its easier for me if you do the same coming as well "

Now I just don't fancy doing all that travelling as it was bad enough doing it the way home never mind getting there too.
So I suggested meeting halfway and she takes the train and we meet in middle-she said no she can't be bothered with that carry on on a Saturday and just wants to roll home drunk.
I honestly can't be bothered to do all the travelling
Aibu to cancel ?

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 14:49

Another mumsnet thread with a definition of “friend” that I don’t in any way relate to (thank goodness!)

Aubriella · 27/09/2022 14:51

YANBU for cancelling. Sounds like she hooked you in with an offer of a lift to get there and now thought she could rescind and make you do all the travelling yourself.

She sounds selfish. If she wants to meet again, tell her it needs to be local to you this time.

TempName01 · 27/09/2022 14:53

Ok that’s a shit plan, but you have the perfect get out with the train issue - you could suggest she drives to yours and stay over

Iknowthis1 · 27/09/2022 14:54

She can't meet you half way because she wants to roll home drunk and she cancelled last time because she was too hungover.

Alcohol is more important to her than your friendship.

That's not normal.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/09/2022 14:57

To be honest though the plan was a bit ridiculous to start with. Why on earth would one person drive an hour there and back all for a drink in a pub across the road from them? I just don't see how these conversations even happen ,they just make no sense whatsoever. "Where will we go?" "How about the pub across the road from me?" "Well, that's hardly convenient for me so how about X (similar distance from both)?" Anything else is pure daft.

ChateauMargaux · 27/09/2022 15:03

Treat yourself to a nice bottle of wine / your favourite beers or whatever it is that spells luxury for you and wrap yourself up in that instead!

TwinsAndTiramisu · 27/09/2022 15:04

Is there a reason it's actually really inconvenient for her to pick you up, eg she has children - is childcare a problem for her? Is she paying for a babysitter?

Yes, 2 hours travel each way is a pain for you, but if that's how far you live from each other, someone has to do it.
Would she be picking you up with her two children in the car? She may have offered being polite, expecting you to acknowledge the gesture but decline as you obviously wouldn't expect the children to do a 4 hour round trip in the car when you could make your own way there in 2. Or should she can pay a babysitter to watch them for the 4 extra hours it takes for her to come and get you?
It makes sense not to meet halfway, why should you both be trying to get home from an hour away, either you go to her, or she goes to you. The pub across the road sounds sensible. After 2 hours travelling do you really want to travel another half an hour to a different venue?
The difficult bit is the getting home after. She can't stay at yours because of the children. So you have to stay at "hers." Is there not a cheap b&b near by?

She doesn't sound like a shit friend OP, she sounds like a mother, who has childcare demands to meet.

Mariposista · 27/09/2022 15:05

ainuu · 27/09/2022 13:23

Plus we had plans a month ago that she cancelled 10 mins before I left because she was hungover ...so I'm less inclined to go out of my way

She is a flaky f-wit and sounds really immature. Drop her like a brick.

7eleven · 27/09/2022 15:06

I think this is a perfect example of the saying ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them.’ She isn’t a friend.

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 15:09

Cancelling ten minutes in advance because she was hungover? So she didn't know all day long that she was hungover but only just found out she was hungover when you were about to leave? Sweetheart, this isn't a friend..

Ladybyrd · 27/09/2022 15:09

Tell her a 4 hour round trip, including 4 train journeys and 2 bus journeys, just to go to the pub isn't really convenient.

And find a new friend.

Original poster
ainuu · 27/09/2022 15:10

No it's only a hour away by car but there's no direct train.
So I have to go back on myself to get the next train to her city to then get the bus to her area.
You could do it in a car in 50 mins /1 hour

OP posts:
LearnerCook · 27/09/2022 15:13

She 'can't be bothered with that carry on' of public transport in a Saturday but wants tou to do it twice? She values her time far more than she does yours. Don't go.

Eyerollrsi · 27/09/2022 15:14

Definitely not unreasonable, you travel 4 hours while she trots across the road 😳

Janeycraney · 27/09/2022 15:23

Just ‘sorry, I really can’t face spending 4 hours on public transport. Welcome over here for some wine and a catch up’ will do

Calphurnia88 · 27/09/2022 15:35

The plan sounded doomed from the offset.

Either your friend does a 2 hour round trip to pick you up for a couple of hours in the pub (assume it'd only be a couple since you'd be getting the last train home) or you do a 4 hour round trip for the same thing on public transport. Which is heavily unreliable IME.

Unless its an exceptional circumstance, I generally wouldn't spend longer travelling than I would at the actual event.

courgettigreensadwater · 27/09/2022 15:44

I would offer to pick you up and even if there's no spare bedroom you would be welcome to stay over and have breakfast too.

Imtoowettowoo · 27/09/2022 15:51

@ainuu Plus we had plans a month ago that she cancelled 10 mins before I left because she was hungover ...so I'm less inclined to go out of my way

She's flaky - don't bother.

And she's not a "friend" either.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 27/09/2022 15:56

Definitely not unreasonable to cancel

i get that with kids a pub near her might be more convenient, but it also sounds like she just can’t be arsed to go further than her doorstep so as she’s cancelled picking you up I’d just cancel going altogether. If she asks why then tell her exactly why. 30mins public transport fair enough but 2 hrs (plus any delays) each way no thanks!

Trez1510 · 27/09/2022 15:57

How does it normally work?
Meet mid-way?

Alternate visits to each other's locale?

Is it your 'turn' to go to her patch?

Is it 'only' the rescinding of the offer of the lift that's upset you?

Are there other underlying issues within your friendship?

The answers to those questions (if you want to answer) would perhaps provide a wider context to allow people to work out whether or not you're being unreasonable.

MoCaine · 27/09/2022 15:58

i'll be honest with you OP, read that thread title and came in expecting to give it to you for being an entitled moaning faced b*tch....but i'm firmly with you, 4 hour round trip ? fuck that noise...try this in the near future, pick a random pub halfway between both of you, see if she's a good enough friend to go beyond the end of her street.

autienotnaughty · 27/09/2022 16:08

It sounds like she's only bothered if it's easy for her. I think I'd reply "let's leave it then till another time"

bringbackveronicamars · 27/09/2022 16:09

LimeTwists · 27/09/2022 13:36

She’s picked a place right by her house for her own convenience and won’t compromise on the location of the venue so that it suits you better. Cancel it if she’s not willing to put herself out at all but expects you to make a 4 hour round trip. No way I’d make a journey that long to simply go to a pub. A wedding or 40th, yes!

This

It's all about her, isn't it.

Navigatingnewwaters · 27/09/2022 16:12

She’s taking the royal piss not to mention doesn’t give a hoot about your safety

wackamole · 27/09/2022 16:19

I'd have no guilt about cancelling; she offered to pick you up when proposing the night out and that's what you agreed to. You taking the train both ways instead (even if you could) makes it a much different trip. If she wants to see/spend time with you, she can meet you halfway or you could both make plans ahead of time for one of you to stay overnight with the other. If she wants to drink and roll home to bed alone, she can go to the pub by herself.