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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want mums husband to known as grandad?

85 replies

UnchainedFelony · 27/09/2022 12:49

Not sure whether I'm being incredibly petty or right for feeling this way.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

6 years ago my mother married a man who is a bit of a prick, not to the level of being abusive to her (in which case I'd not even post and be LC/NC)

Mum is a CSA survivor so often has patchy taste in men, as she has experienced the worst you can and so anyone who even shows a shred of decency is great in her eyes, am adding this for context as she really isn't to blame in this situation imo.

A few years ago we went on a family holiday together, me, my DH, my brother (who has ASD), mum, her husband and her husbands children (3 adult children)

DH suffers from anxiety and depression, it's well managed and has been for decades, but he does sometimes struggle in larger groups, one day during the trip it was getting a bit much for him and he did look withdrawn, he wasn't rude but not his usual self and looked a bit down.

I overheard my mothers husband saying to 2 of his kids 'the dopey fucker looks miserable as shit again, maybe he can fuck off for the day' and it was clearly in relation to DH.

I took him to one side and told him he is to never speak about my husband like that again, my mum overheard and it kicked off. Her husband admitted making the comment, he and mum then had a massive argument about it, where he made nasty comments about my brothers SEN, that night mum came into our hotel room to sleep as she couldn't stand being around him.

The next day however it was all patched up from her end, DH, my brother and I then didn't spend the rest of the trip with them as we were still pissed off.

In the years since this incident I have kept a bit of a distance from her husband, my DH however has tried to build a bridge as he doesn't want to be the cause of any family drama and has done a damn good job of making it look like all has been forgiven.

As mum actually thinks it's all water under the bridge.

Which is why she is thinking it will be all fine to have her husband known as grandad to our DC. I however really feel uncomfortable about this, I don't like the man, but to raise this would rehash the entire holiday incident again, she genuinely thinks it's all forgiven but I don't think I ever will. The comments he made about DH - knowing he has depression and the comments about my brother crossed a line for me.

But I don't know whether I am being petty about this, I'm prone to holding grudges so don't trust my own gut, as I still haven't forgiven the neighbour who ran our bin over 8 years ago Blush

Would this be a hill you'd chose to die on so to speak?

OP posts:
illiterato · 27/09/2022 12:54

If you'd rather they just used his first name, might one solution to be called "Grandad Nigel" (if his name is Nigel for example). Then that might just turn into them calling him Nigel. We have this set up as my DC have 3 grannies so the stepgranny is "Granny X" which works as DH also calls her X, not mum (so less confusing- that's how you can sell it anyway). The DC switch between the two and she's happy with either, but she is not a dick.

IceStationZebra · 27/09/2022 12:56

Stand your ground. It doesn’t sound like he’d have a grandfatherly relationship with your child anyway?

Lobelia123 · 27/09/2022 12:58

You are completely in the right, even without this vile incident. He's not your father in any sense of the word - he's your mothers husband. He is not technically your babys grandfather, and has no right to be called such. Just call him by his first name.

TungstenTickler · 27/09/2022 12:59

I think the question is wrong. IMO I'd be asking why let the bairn be near someone who is abusive to his dad?

If your mother wants to see the child, she can see it without thar abusive twat.

Should it kick off, then so be it, but letting the bairn learn that it's OK to be mocked and abused doesn't seem like the best idea to me.

RatherBeRiding · 27/09/2022 13:01

I'm with you OP - I wouldn't be up for forgiving either. However, as this has the potential to impact your, and your DC's relationship, with your mum then maybe tread carefully.

If there are other Grandads ("real" ones) then try to sell it as less confusing for DC to call him by his name rather than another Grandad. And make a point yourself, and your DH, of NEVER referring to him as Grandad even if he and your mum do so.

If they make a fuss, just stick unapologetically to the "it's less confusing" line and don't discuss.

MessyBunPersonified · 27/09/2022 13:01

You don't have to make a big announcement about it. Just refer to him as his name every time, even on cards etc.

Yanbu at all op.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 27/09/2022 13:03

Has your mum said she would expect/want him to be referred to as that? If no i would just start speaking about them as you would like them to be called. 'Oh baby is kicking must be because he can hear granny and Bob chatting'

YANBU under the circumstances you describe and it is totally your call on how firm your stance is on this and if you want to bring all this to the surface. He does sound like a prick!

RedWingBoots · 27/09/2022 13:05

You need to keep your child away from that man.

As a parent you need to protect your child.

erinaceus · 27/09/2022 13:06

Would coming up with another name work? Gigi, Papa, Opa, Pops?

Original poster
UnchainedFelony · 27/09/2022 13:10

RatherBeRiding · 27/09/2022 13:01

I'm with you OP - I wouldn't be up for forgiving either. However, as this has the potential to impact your, and your DC's relationship, with your mum then maybe tread carefully.

If there are other Grandads ("real" ones) then try to sell it as less confusing for DC to call him by his name rather than another Grandad. And make a point yourself, and your DH, of NEVER referring to him as Grandad even if he and your mum do so.

If they make a fuss, just stick unapologetically to the "it's less confusing" line and don't discuss.

This is exactly my worry

My mum is my absolute world outside of DH of course, and we are incredibly close, I'm worried if I push this it will impact our close relationship and I'm worried about it, as on a practical level she is my closest support system too when baby comes and DH goes back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnchainedFelony · 27/09/2022 13:12

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 27/09/2022 13:03

Has your mum said she would expect/want him to be referred to as that? If no i would just start speaking about them as you would like them to be called. 'Oh baby is kicking must be because he can hear granny and Bob chatting'

YANBU under the circumstances you describe and it is totally your call on how firm your stance is on this and if you want to bring all this to the surface. He does sound like a prick!

Yes she has, not in an 'I expect it' way

More telling me about her husbands worries that he might be sidelined when the baby comes and she has reassured him he will be grandad, they'll still call him grandad etc. even though not related by blood.

Which is awkward.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 27/09/2022 13:13

I totally agree with you OP.

OhMondayMonday · 27/09/2022 13:15

YANBU

I’d say something along the lines of “he has never been a father figure to me and I therefore don’t see him as “grand”father and I won’t be using such terms or encouraging it. He has Grandkids from the DC he fathers who will refer to him as that and mine will call him by his name”.

shipwreckedonhighseas · 27/09/2022 13:18

Stand your ground. He's not a blood relative and can't be trusted to behave or stick around. Plus he is awful to your baby's dad.

cravattwat · 27/09/2022 13:18

Could you come up with something that isn't grandad that you are comfortable with that might placate mum and her husband?

I don't know what really because everything I can come up with is affectionate and familiar like gramps. It's very awkward and you shouldn't feel forced to encourage a closer relationship but isn't the reality than unless you put in some clear boundaries, he's likely to be around your baby a lot if your mum will be.

FrozenGhost · 27/09/2022 13:18

I see why you don't like the guy and I wouldn't either, but no, this wouldn't be the hill I'd die on. Not at this stage anyway. To me, grandpa isn't a special unique title like mum or dad, there can be two or more grandpas in a family. Plus your dc won't be talking for a few years anyway. I'd just not worry about it for now and see what happens in future.

shipwreckedonhighseas · 27/09/2022 13:19

Your mum was really out of line giving him those reassurances.

FrozenGhost · 27/09/2022 13:20

Would he even care? Most men I know are hardly that fussed about their own grandchildren, let alone their step gdc.

Original poster
UnchainedFelony · 27/09/2022 13:21

FrozenGhost · 27/09/2022 13:20

Would he even care? Most men I know are hardly that fussed about their own grandchildren, let alone their step gdc.

Oh he would care

He is one of those bullies who is insecure as heck under it all, the shit he has been sensitive to over the years would make a 11 year old girl embarrassed!

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 27/09/2022 13:21

Fil has married a lovely woman three years older than my husband, she wants to be called granny. The kids don't want it. We don't want it so it hasn't happened.

It's no reflection in her she is just not their granny.

gogohmm · 27/09/2022 13:23

We refused, different yet similar reasons. We just always called her h his name, kids never sent separate cards - one generic birthday card for instance. At Christmas to hammer the point across that he wasn't (never was, she met him when exh was adult) his dad I would search for mum and her husband cards, they hated it but it made exh smile. Oddly it was ex mill's h who was horrible to me after we split despite (a) exh instigating it and (b) us remaining very amicable, joint events etc. downright rude to me at the grandparents funeral despite the fact I knew them for a lot longer than him and did my share of personal care after we had split (they didn't know about that)

Oh well old history now, still send a courtesy card, still address to his name from the kids and I. They are annoyed the kids have nothing to do with them but they couldn't be bothered when they were children, what do they expect, they moved down with me

AriettyHomily · 27/09/2022 13:23

In the same way she isn't my she step mum!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 13:24

This is definitely a hill I would die on. No way would my children call this man grandpa.

LizzieSiddal · 27/09/2022 13:26

My mum is my absolute world outside of DH of course, and we are incredibly close, I'm worried if I push this it will impact our close relationship and I'm worried about it, as on a practical level she is my closest support system too when baby comes and DH goes back to work.

If this is the case I think you’re in a pretty difficult position.

you have to decide what is more important to you, sticking your ground, which is very reasonable, but which may impact your relationship or to let it go. I personally would just let it go. I had to do this with my mothers H who I could not stand. I just used to refer to him by his name rather than Grandad.

SpilltheTea · 27/09/2022 13:27

I'd tell her that as you're not close to him and he's never been a father figure to you, you're going to call him by his name.