AIBU to not want mums husband to known as grandad?

[UnchainedFelony]

Not sure whether I'm being incredibly petty or right for feeling this way.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

6 years ago my mother married a man who is a bit of a prick, not to the level of being abusive to her (in which case I'd not even post and be LC/NC)

Mum is a CSA survivor so often has patchy taste in men, as she has experienced the worst you can and so anyone who even shows a shred of decency is great in her eyes, am adding this for context as she really isn't to blame in this situation imo.

A few years ago we went on a family holiday together, me, my DH, my brother (who has ASD), mum, her husband and her husbands children (3 adult children)

DH suffers from anxiety and depression, it's well managed and has been for decades, but he does sometimes struggle in larger groups, one day during the trip it was getting a bit much for him and he did look withdrawn, he wasn't rude but not his usual self and looked a bit down.

I overheard my mothers husband saying to 2 of his kids 'the dopey fucker looks miserable as shit again, maybe he can fuck off for the day' and it was clearly in relation to DH.

I took him to one side and told him he is to never speak about my husband like that again, my mum overheard and it kicked off. Her husband admitted making the comment, he and mum then had a massive argument about it, where he made nasty comments about my brothers SEN, that night mum came into our hotel room to sleep as she couldn't stand being around him.

The next day however it was all patched up from her end, DH, my brother and I then didn't spend the rest of the trip with them as we were still pissed off.

In the years since this incident I have kept a bit of a distance from her husband, my DH however has tried to build a bridge as he doesn't want to be the cause of any family drama and has done a damn good job of making it look like all has been forgiven.

As mum actually thinks it's all water under the bridge.

Which is why she is thinking it will be all fine to have her husband known as grandad to our DC. I however really feel uncomfortable about this, I don't like the man, but to raise this would rehash the entire holiday incident again, she genuinely thinks it's all forgiven but I don't think I ever will. The comments he made about DH - knowing he has depression and the comments about my brother crossed a line for me.

But I don't know whether I am being petty about this, I'm prone to holding grudges so don't trust my own gut, as I still haven't forgiven the neighbour who ran our bin over 8 years ago

Would this be a hill you'd chose to die on so to speak?

The whole thing stinks of women appeasing a bully doesn't it?

"I overheard my mothers husband saying to 2 of his kids 'the dopey fucker looks miserable as shit again, maybe he can fuck off for the day' and it was clearly in relation to DH." I'd say no just for this vile comment alone. WTF? My partner suffers with Bipolar, he loves our boys to the moon and back. If someone ever said anything vile like that about my OH I wouldnt know what to do

YANBU. He's not your Dad, he's not your DH's dad therefore he is not your little one's Granddad

We had this with both my parents, they just expected their partners to be grandad or grandma, I simply said 'no, they are not grandad/grandma. DC have grandparents and while Y and X are very welcome in their lives, they will not be given a title.' My DF took this fine, 2 and a half years later, and expecting the 3rd DC, and my mum is still fighting me on it. Stand your ground with what you want.

Definitely feel between a rock and a hard place

Mum unfortunately always wants to see the best in people, and genuinely thinks this incident is all forgiven.

DH is also ok with it, so I feel a bit like why am I angrier than the 'victim' in all this, but then again I know DH is a people pleaser so it doesn't surprise me he has gotten over this incident to make things less tense for me.

This is awkward if your DM is your best form of support. You need her around you and don’t want to have obstacles to this. While I totally hear you, it might be worth compromising on in order to allow your Mum an easy life and, by extension, you too.

How about calling him by a ‘grandfather’ name that’s never normally used in your family? So instead of Grandad it could be Grandpop Peter or Papa Bob. I recognise this is appeasement but sometimes you have to think the long game and keeping him sweet keeps your DM onside with you.

I'm not sure how much it helps but in relation to this...
I had two step grandparents.
My grandad's new wife we called grandma.
My grandma's new husband we called by his first name.
I've no idea how this came about or how difficult it was for my Mum at the time. But it felt completely normal for me growing up and I never thought to question it!

I had a slightly similar situation (although my Mum's husband is a genuine good egg and an important part of my children's lives) - my Mum wanted him to be called a version of 'Grandad' by the children. I was a bit taken aback to be honest and wasn't sure how to respond but it just felt wrong - her husband is 'Nigel' to everyone wheras I call my Dad 'Dad' and 'Grandad' is a natural extension of this.

Once the children were born they all started calling him 'Nigel' quite naturally as they copied us and he's always been known by his name. It hasn't affected his relationship with the children in anyway, but feels much more appropriate. My Mum was a bit put out to begin with but soon realised that it really wasn't that important and moved on quickly.

Just tell her "mum, I've heard you are suggesting to Bob that he will be called Grandad, but I just want to let you know that we (and our children) will call him Bob. I can't speak for how brothers/sisters will act if they have kids, but for us, it will be Bob. I'm just letting you know now, so we don't have to have a conversation when I'm getting to grips with a newborn"

In that case OP this is a bit awkward. Since you and your mum are so close i think i would gently bring it up when you're next alone. Let her know how important she is to you and the baby but you can't complete forgive the way he spoke about your DH and your brother and you don't want to refer to him as anything other than his name. Even if he does give himself a title the baby will follow your lead when they are old enough anyway.

You are not being unreasonable at all. My nan's husband was never grandad, he was always Uncle Bob. And he was a lovely man and the only grandad I had.

I suspect your mum wants the grandad title for him as a way of papering over the cracks.

Is your dad still part of your life because if he is then that makes it harder as that would be your own dad's name to be called by his grandchildren.

My in-laws were grandma and fils name. He didn't want to be called grandad or anything like that. I'd go that route

I don't think you necessarily need to bring up the holiday incident again if you think it would upset your mum but I'd just say as he's not your dad, grandad doesn't feel like the correct term so you'll be using his name. We had similar in our family with MILs new husband and our DC always called them "Granny and David".

You don't have to refer to the incident at all. You simply don't want to introduce him as Grandad as you generally don't want to lie to your children from infancy that a man is their Grandad when he's not.

Nope I'm the same, I don't even know if my mother wanted a different name for her partner. I never asked I just referred to him as Harry and that is how my son calls him. My son has 4 grandparents, even though he doesn't see my dad. When spoken about he's still called grandad John. My mums partner is not my stepdad and I do not think of him as family so he doesn't get a title. Even if the holiday hadn't happened just because he's your mums partner doesn't mean he's someone special to your child unless you decide that a role you would like him to play.

Thank you for this, I'm wondering if that's the best compromise.

He can call himself whatever he wants, as can mum but I won't refer to him as grandad with DC.

I have this and it is extremely annoying. MIL has a horrible partner (not even bloody husband) and without even asking us just refers to him as Grumpa. I hate it and have had many an argument with DH about it.

His argument is my step mum is called Nanny so the same should be afforded to his mums partner. My step mum partly raised me, regularly looks after my children and spends lots of time with them 1-1. If she split with my dad I am aa confident as I can be we would still see her.

Conversely we never spend time with MILs partner without him and should they ever split we would happily never see him again.

My kids are 5 and nearly 2 now, so the name has sort of stuck. I wish I had stood my ground from the start.

YANBU tell her now before the baby comes so she has time to digest it.

I’m going to go the other way. Raising children is hard and you need people in your corner, is it worth alienating your mum over it?

It was a long time ago, you haven’t made your peace but your mum has with it and your husband is trying to.

can he have a different name to granddad if that is not acceptable- poppy, poppa, or something you come up with, people
make up all sorts of names …

This is my worry.

As if this doesn't alienate her, it will alienate him and he will then apply pressure to mum so will impact her one way or another.

My mum always referred to our step grandad by his name. We avoided addressing him by anything. Now I do call him grandad and think of him as my grandad - I'm in my 30s and it took years.

Do what you feel is best. My DM ignored them always trying to push the grandad title on us and you should to. If layer your dc decide to call him that fair enough.

Just say you want him to be called by his first name. You don't need to get into any reasons why. If she asks or makes a big deal about it just say he's not the grandad. Simple. My MIL insists on calling her second husband grandad and it really pisses me off even though I don't have a problem with him personally.

Grandads can be absolute toxic twats anyway tbh (side eye at my father). I don't think the name is the issue. I think the issue is that the baby will take your mum's attention away from him and that is going to be the issue you'll have to deal with, not really the name. Calling him Grandad might even delay this a bit and give your mum and child a chance to bond before he kicks off.

It would be better if you didn't have to manage this wanker but realistically your anxiety about your mum means you do, don't you, unless you can think of a way round it (I can. But you won't like it).

Refer to him what you want. But if your child wants to call him grandad later on, then you go with that. I used to be hurt that my parents called my GM's partner by his name to me, but to me he was granddad. It devalued our relationship and gave me a sense of insecurity. He shouldn't have said what he did within earshot of any of you, but he was fine to think it, in regards to your DH. The comments about your brother shouldn't have been tolerated at all.

I do understand completely why you don’t want DC calling him grandad.

However I don’t really subscribe to the “well he’s not technically grandad so doesn’t need to be called grandad”. If you think about aunt, that can be your uncle’s wife as well as your parent’s sister. So I think it’s definitely a conscious choice not to use it.

I wouldn’t say anything specifically to your mum about it, it’s unnecessary upset and friction.

When DC is here, just casually refer to them as grandma and Nigel or whatever when you’re talking to the baby, doing cards etc.

It won’t really matter until DC is about 2 and starts speaking so try not to worry about it too much until then.

I'd address this without reference to that incident.

'Mum I heard you mention that bob will be my kids grandad. I just wanted to know that as he's not my dad then he won't be called grandad.'