AIBU to not want mums husband to known as grandad?

[UnchainedFelony]

Not sure whether I'm being incredibly petty or right for feeling this way.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

6 years ago my mother married a man who is a bit of a prick, not to the level of being abusive to her (in which case I'd not even post and be LC/NC)

Mum is a CSA survivor so often has patchy taste in men, as she has experienced the worst you can and so anyone who even shows a shred of decency is great in her eyes, am adding this for context as she really isn't to blame in this situation imo.

A few years ago we went on a family holiday together, me, my DH, my brother (who has ASD), mum, her husband and her husbands children (3 adult children)

DH suffers from anxiety and depression, it's well managed and has been for decades, but he does sometimes struggle in larger groups, one day during the trip it was getting a bit much for him and he did look withdrawn, he wasn't rude but not his usual self and looked a bit down.

I overheard my mothers husband saying to 2 of his kids 'the dopey fucker looks miserable as shit again, maybe he can fuck off for the day' and it was clearly in relation to DH.

I took him to one side and told him he is to never speak about my husband like that again, my mum overheard and it kicked off. Her husband admitted making the comment, he and mum then had a massive argument about it, where he made nasty comments about my brothers SEN, that night mum came into our hotel room to sleep as she couldn't stand being around him.

The next day however it was all patched up from her end, DH, my brother and I then didn't spend the rest of the trip with them as we were still pissed off.

In the years since this incident I have kept a bit of a distance from her husband, my DH however has tried to build a bridge as he doesn't want to be the cause of any family drama and has done a damn good job of making it look like all has been forgiven.

As mum actually thinks it's all water under the bridge.

Which is why she is thinking it will be all fine to have her husband known as grandad to our DC. I however really feel uncomfortable about this, I don't like the man, but to raise this would rehash the entire holiday incident again, she genuinely thinks it's all forgiven but I don't think I ever will. The comments he made about DH - knowing he has depression and the comments about my brother crossed a line for me.

But I don't know whether I am being petty about this, I'm prone to holding grudges so don't trust my own gut, as I still haven't forgiven the neighbour who ran our bin over 8 years ago

Would this be a hill you'd chose to die on so to speak?

Personally I wouldn't pick a fight over this. It just makes things harder for your mum.

Plus I agree with a PP, he wasn't wrong to think that about your DH (although he should have kept those thoughts to himself of course).

In your shoes, I'd agree with your DH that you will both call him by his first name, but not call yur mum and her husband out on it when they call him grandad. If they confront you about it, I wouldn't mention the past history of his behaviour, just say that you and DH believe grandad should be reserved for blood relatives, end of story.

To a pp comparing it to aunt and uncle, I don't think it's comparable. Aunt and uncle refer to different people in different cultures; for some people it's normal to call any woman of an older generation Aunty, for others it's normal to do that only for your parents' close friends, for others it would be for extended family members who are a generation older regardless of their actual relationship (e.g. a cousin 20 years older would be called Aunty), and for others it only refers to the siblings of your parents. The same doesn't apply to grandad; some cultures use it to mean an older man in general, as a term of respect, but not many. Generally, grandad means literally your parent's father.

You'd think it's fine to think it about someone struggling with their mental health?

Don't mention the previous incident but don't be a doormat - if you don't want your kids referring to him as grandad then don't call him that. Let your mum know this.

Btw don't be naive - your mum knows exactly what she is doing bringing this up ahead of time. She knows you won't like it and is guilting you into going along with what she wants. She is relying on you feeling worried about upsetting her. She is manipulating you- she probably can't help - she is just wanting to appease the husband but I wouldn't go along with this. Especially when it comes to children - you need to practice enforcing your boundaries now.

My DD calls her step-grandmother by her first name, albeit a corrupted version because the original was too difficult when she was small. She is very aware her natural grandmother died young. She has a picture of her nan in her room. Her cousins also call the wife by her first name. It just seemed natural for them.

My FiL's wife is a habitual liar (she tells tales) and she tries to play people off against each other. My husband often invites his father out for drinks but won't invite his stepmother because she tells her tales & wants to be centre of attention. She's also a racist. My DD is clued up and says SHE BEING A BIGOT AGAIN but her step-grandmother never learns, or doesn't want to. Her Gf just puts up with it, which is disappointing because before he married this peach he was a liberal-lefty, union-card carrying Labour voter.

What's your relationship with your dad like ? (Sorry if you said and I missed!) I would exaggerate anything to do with your own dad, mine has disowned me, so I was planning on saying it's too hurtful to call x grandad as if he's replaced him. I know it wasn't a totally honest way to go but it seemed to be the way to get out of it without hurting anyone's feelings.

I'm very close to my dad but he works away a lot, will never retire and is off travelling across different countries for 6-7 months of the year (travel journalist)

I was tempted to collude with him to pretend he was upset with it, but I would need to involve him, as if I said to mum 'out of respect for dad I don't want your husband called grandad' she would call him up - as it's not like him as he is a very laid back man.

I would do whatever doesn’t push your mum away. I’ve got a 10 week old and after my DP went back to work she is what is keeping me sane by helping me and letting me sleep.

We call my DM’s partner Nonno which I feel is a fair compromise as I couldn’t have him as Grandad as my father passed away.

Find another name for Grandfather you can stomach so you don’t annoy your mum you will need her in the coming months

DH's stepdad is a disgusting vile bully, I've been together with DH since we were both 15 and I saw first hand the way he treated him.

DD is 12 now and we don't see them often but whenever we do his mum refers to him as grandad, signs cards from grandma and grandad etc but no way on earth was I bringing up DD to think this vile man was in any way related to her.
We sign cards back to grandma & (name)
His other brothers have seemingly forgiven him and their kids see them regularly, it baffles me to watch them playing happy families tbh.

I just wouldn't have the conversation unless they bring it up, refer to him by name and they'll hopefully get the hint. If anything is brought up then just explain your reasoning as you have done here.
It's your mums decision who she has a relationship with but it's your decision on what relationship you & your family choose to have with them.

Have their been other incidents apart from the one on holiday?

If not, I would let them refer to him as grandad. Mainly for your mum's sake. First though, I'd check what your/DHs father's prefer to be called. If they take grandad & grandpa then he could be Grandad James.

Or find a word in another language and pretend that's the word your baby said when they can speak and isn't it so cute because they can't say Grandad & use that forever more. I.e: Gili in Spanish means idiot if my GCSE was worth it 😁

Your mum's husband sounds awful and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

I'm not sure calling him grandad or not is a hill worth dying on though. I would concentrate on setting hard boundaries around the kind of behaviour you'll put up with from him and the amount of contact you have with him. Those things actually affect your family's lives - the title doesn't really, and kids end up calling relatives all sorts of unpredictable things.

I wouldn't actively bring it up either. Just call your mum's husband by his name, you don't need to ever call him grandad yourself. If your mum calls him grandad, ignore it but don't pick a fight. If they try to pick you up on it, shrug and say "but he's not their grandad" and move on quickly without drama.

Save your energy for standing your ground over things that matter.

Definitely other incidents, but this was the biggest blow up and what started everything off.

The other incidents are just more reminders that he is still a twat and not reformed.

I think if he had actually apologised for this incident and hadn't made comments in the years since I wouldn't be too funny about it (still wouldn't forgive, but wouldn't be wondering about this particular issue)

My lovely DF married a toxic woman (my mother had cleared off) I did not want my 3 DC’s to call her granny but I did not have the guts to say no! She would have probably stopped my DF seeing me, she was not kind to my kids. I so regret my decision, go with your heart!

By the way you probably haven't forgiven the neighbours for running over your bins because you were brought up being taught/modelled to have your every boundary trampled on. I really don't think this is about what name this man is given at all. However whether you want to get into all that very heavily pregnant is another matter.

This is my fear, that he will make mums life harder due to it.

He is one of those people with a chip the size of Disneyland Paris on his shoulder and would see this as a snub. Mum would feel compelled to fix it to make everyone happy etc.

We had this 4x as both divorced parents, both of whom we do not view as close or immediate family. We had difficult discussions when ours was born to set expectations. Gave the excuse that our baby might get confused with 8 grandparents and that it was upsetting to our biological parents who "earned" their title.

YANBU, but yes it will cause a massive upset / drama. So up to you really if you want that around the birth - I personally would rather he was just known as grandad

Stop pandering to this man on your mother's behalf. Your mother needs a wake up call, honestly. Just because she chooses to be married to this arsehole doesn't mean you have to tip toe around what a prick he is.

The issue is this won't be a wake up call

She has low self esteem and will do anything to keep everyone happy

And if not able to do that she blames herself, as if it's her fault people aren't getting on, she will internalise and it will only make her life worse.

Trust me, we have gone through this cycle before, it only ends up hurting her.

How would you feel if your mums partner said the same thing about your child?
It’s very natural to be angry on behalf of loved ones.
I can’t believe your mum thinks it’s forgotten…
If DM’s partner had said that about my DH, we would be NC and only mum would be welcome in our house.

Stand your ground and tell her now…. he is not going to be granddad he will continue to be Fred.

I'm with @Starstruck2020.

It isn't worth dying in a ditch over a name. He will be in your and DC life regardless. You may not like him, but your DM is with him and you don't want her split between her partner and you (obv if he's abusive rather than unlikeable, that's different).

I'd suggest calling him Grandad Name.

And I'd remember that if you want DMs support with the baby, upsetting her now or making her loyalities feel split, isn't the best way to proceed.

I wouldn't allow this man to be known as Grandad. If he's as bad as you say he is then he doesn't deserve that title. Get your kids to call him by his first name. If any problems arise, politely explain that he is not their Grandad.

UnchangedFelony I really feel your pain please go with your heart and don’t regret it but it will be hard, good luck and stay strong.

I don’t know the situation with your dad, but your child already has a grandad -which is your dad.
Regardless of what your dad was like- he is the grandad
your mum’s husband is not your child’s grandad , therefore Should be no expectation for your child to call him grandad
Your child could call him by his first name . If you don’t call him your stepdad and then why would your child call him Grandad anyway
Your mum’s husband has a name -your child can use that

I think a bigger issue is that he is already giving your mum grief about this baby taking her attention off him.

He sounds insanely jealous of your child, and they haven’t even been born yet. You are going to have trouble with him kicking off over your DM spending too much time with you and the baby.