AIBU to not want mums husband to known as grandad?

[UnchainedFelony]

Not sure whether I'm being incredibly petty or right for feeling this way.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

6 years ago my mother married a man who is a bit of a prick, not to the level of being abusive to her (in which case I'd not even post and be LC/NC)

Mum is a CSA survivor so often has patchy taste in men, as she has experienced the worst you can and so anyone who even shows a shred of decency is great in her eyes, am adding this for context as she really isn't to blame in this situation imo.

A few years ago we went on a family holiday together, me, my DH, my brother (who has ASD), mum, her husband and her husbands children (3 adult children)

DH suffers from anxiety and depression, it's well managed and has been for decades, but he does sometimes struggle in larger groups, one day during the trip it was getting a bit much for him and he did look withdrawn, he wasn't rude but not his usual self and looked a bit down.

I overheard my mothers husband saying to 2 of his kids 'the dopey fucker looks miserable as shit again, maybe he can fuck off for the day' and it was clearly in relation to DH.

I took him to one side and told him he is to never speak about my husband like that again, my mum overheard and it kicked off. Her husband admitted making the comment, he and mum then had a massive argument about it, where he made nasty comments about my brothers SEN, that night mum came into our hotel room to sleep as she couldn't stand being around him.

The next day however it was all patched up from her end, DH, my brother and I then didn't spend the rest of the trip with them as we were still pissed off.

In the years since this incident I have kept a bit of a distance from her husband, my DH however has tried to build a bridge as he doesn't want to be the cause of any family drama and has done a damn good job of making it look like all has been forgiven.

As mum actually thinks it's all water under the bridge.

Which is why she is thinking it will be all fine to have her husband known as grandad to our DC. I however really feel uncomfortable about this, I don't like the man, but to raise this would rehash the entire holiday incident again, she genuinely thinks it's all forgiven but I don't think I ever will. The comments he made about DH - knowing he has depression and the comments about my brother crossed a line for me.

But I don't know whether I am being petty about this, I'm prone to holding grudges so don't trust my own gut, as I still haven't forgiven the neighbour who ran our bin over 8 years ago

Would this be a hill you'd chose to die on so to speak?

I dont think it matters OP. It's just a name. A lot of people have one set of grandparents they are closer to. Some call them grandpa, pops, grandad, papa or whatever but the name is just going to mean 'that man over there' to your child, nothing more, and it won't make any actual difference to anything important such as how their relationship develops or how close they are. In my opinion anyways

I think you have bigger problems than the name, he's a twat and it is likely going to impact your relationship with your Mum.

RE the name, I'm not sure how much it matters to the children really, as they have their own feelings about the people they see regularly.

Our kids started out with 3 sets of grandparents, then gained 'honorary' ones and lost one through NC. Before going NC our eldest didn't even recognise my husbands father so when we said we were seeing Grandad she would get upset because as far as she was concerned we were seeing my Dad, not DHs Dad. FIL referred to his wife as Nanny Joan (not real name) and despite a bad relationship with my DH she was lovely with the kids which surprised us, FIL wasn't interested though and with 3yo DD not recognising him despite him being a mile away we gave up with them.

Meanwhile we have dear, older friends who live 120 miles away and my eldest started referring to the woman as Nanny and it's stuck, the kids adore their 'South Coast Grandparents' and are always keen to see them.

Kids can tell who actually wants to see them and spend quality time with them.

I think you just keep it as simple as you only want the DC to have your Dad as Grandad, doesn't matter if your Dad would be okay with it or not. Just tell her Stepdad isn't Grandad he will be called first name by DC, like he is by me.

You'll be wanting him to provide free childcare but you don't want the kid to call him grandad?

Ok then. I think you're spectacularly taking the piss but ok.

This IS the hill I would take a stand on. He has never been a father figure to you therefore is not Grandad to your baby

We had similar, MIL was the OW and eventually married the twat. My husband was in his thirties when they got together - he’s no father figure to DH. When we had our first baby, MIL sent a congratulations card from Nanny and Grandad. She was told in no uncertain terms that he was not Grandad, baby has two Grandads already, and that her husband would be known as Dave. I couldn’t give a shit if that upset either of them.

Who said I want him to do anything?

Weird reading skills

Yeah he is going to cause bigger issues down the line, it was something my brother and I discussed at length whilst I was TTC. As for example we are a family who love to holiday together, but after the incident with him I've vowed to never travel with him ever again, and whilst it's just me and DH it's not a big issue, but my mum will feel it when she doesn't get to have the lovely big family holidays with her DGC because of him.

Same with family christmases etc. as I try and really limit contact between DH and her husband, which is fine as it's just us two, but when baby is here we are going to want more time as a family and therefore if it's a choice between me and baby visiting them and me and DH spending time with baby it's an easy choice.

OP I am in a similar position but with my stepmum.
she and my DF call her Nanny (name).
i just refer to her as (name).
Shes not the kids nanny. They had a wonderful nanny who is not here anymore. She’s not the replacement. So the kids just call her by her name and now they are older just think the nanny bit is strange.

My mums partner was desperate to be grandad to my DC despite never seeing his own children or grandchildren. He'd been around on and off for 20+ years so everyone assumed he'd be grandad but we'd never seen eye to eye. I'm glad I stood my ground as mum finally woke up to the prick he was 18 months after the birth of my first DC and left him. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.

If you aren't comfortable with it, don't let it happen. It's easier in future to be' Fred is a dick' than 'grandad is a dick' when he is making comments about them and not DH or DB and you're explaining why you are NC. I'm NC with my father and its much easier explaining to the kids using first names and not dad.