Carrying her in crying

[Comeonchristmas]

Dd, 4 has just started pre school, two mornings per week. Every time we go, she won’t go in and cries when I hand her over and shouts for me and I have to leave. Feel so unbelievably shit doing this, is it normal? Am I doing the right thing or damaging her by forcing her away from me?
Teacher says she’s fine when in, Dd says she likes it when there but that she just wants to be with me
What would you do?

Really hard. No answer, just buckets of sympathy. My DS was like this at nursery some mornings. It's heartbreaking. It passes. Maybe set aside 20 minutes to talk it up before you go. All the positives about friends, how she likes it when she gets there, how you will always be there to get her and that's your favourite part of the day etc.

The separation part is hardest for her. If she enjoys it while she's there that's good - it will help reassure her that she can have a good time without you being there.
She will be learning lots while she's there and it's good groundwork for school.
It won't do her any lasting harm and the fact that you always come back for her will reinforce that brief periods of separation are ok.
It's really up to you though if you think she's happy enough. Does she start school next year?
Not all children go to nursery/pre-school..some do start in Reception and manage fine.

You aren't damaging her. But I would speak to the preschool. What could they do to make it easier for her? For my son (who always struggled with drop offs) passing him directly to a staff member he knew well rather than just setting him down helped loads. What was her settling in like? What is she like after you leave?

Also, remember kids will pick up the cues from you. So be confident, and cheerful and tell her you will be back for her after tea/ lunch/ whatever and then leave confidently. If she sees you hovering around, looking upset and guilty she will think there is something wrong.

@SummerHouse We do all that, I start the morning positively, talk about how she’ll see her friends, have fun, do painting etc and how I’ll just be cleaning at home. I get her a treat for afterwards when I get her or we plan somewhere fun to go afterwards or something fun to do at home etc.
She doesn’t *Have to go as I’m currently at home, but I’d really like her to and to enjoy going.

I think it's normal for some kids but should get better as she gets used to it, though it is distressing. My DD started nursery last year and we had a few drop-offs where she got upset and had to be physically handed over to the teacher so she would go in. It's hard and I felt guilty but I knew she settled down once she was inside and playing with the other children. They will let you know if she's too upset and needs to go home. I found it easier for both of us to be cheery and not prolong the drop-off or hang around too long to cause my DD more upset. I found it helpful too to remind her every morning that me or my DH would be there to pick her up at lunchtime and that we'd never leave her - it seemed to help some of the worries my DD was having.

Keep reminding yourself she is fine when she is there - its the separating from you bit that she dislikes, not being at pre school.
See if you can distract her by chatting about things she likes to do when she is there.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer I keep it all positive and say how it’s a couple of hours to be with her friends etc. The teacher says she sits on her lap for a little while and is fine. It’s her fifth day now and the last two she’s cried more and said she doesn’t want to go. It’s only two days per week

@theruffles Ive said all this to her 😔today she was stood outside saying she didn’t want to go, I was talking positively to her and saying I had to go now etc, but we were getting nowhere. In the end I had to physically pick her up and hand her over and leave, while she was crying for me, was so hard

Just keep reinforcing it. Focus on the fact you will collect her later. Once you've said bye, leave, don't over or engage in debate about it. If she's ok once you are gone, it's the seperation that is the issue, not the environment which is good. Once she is home, talk about positive parts of her day. Ask the the teacher if she has any particular toys or friends she likes when she is there.

As she is four, it's better she gets used to it gently in preschool than in a class of 30 at school where there will not be a teacher to sit and cuddle her in the same way.

My dd was like this but her key worker was excellent and turned it into a game where they would race to the window to wave me off. It helped masses. Maybe there’s something similar you could sort? Easier if you’re turning up before or after everyone else.

It's totally normal OP, you need to keep it up to get her ready for school. It's painfully easy to see the kids who went to nursery etc when they start s

Sorry pressed post too soon

*start school and those that didn't

It's normal. I found DD rapidly got better when I started giving her embarrassingly big hugs and gave the impression I didn't want to leave her.

I'd ask if your preschool will let you lurk and observe once she is dropped off

I had this with my eldest, she cried, to the point of being sick at times, when being dropped off and I was close to pulling her out. They suggested one day to hang back and look at the class through the window once DD thought I had left, she was happy as Larry. From nearly throwing up to laughing in about 90 seconds

The teacher says to me it’s better if she comes everyday, but I’m happy for a part time, gentle introduction now for her to play with friends and get used to things, then more days next year. If I made her go everyday, she’d be really upset, it would work perfectly if she could just adjust.
She’s been going to gymnastics and being left (albeit, only an hour, not three) since she was 3, without a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer It’s a class of 25 😫

Still, it won't be as scheduled as reception.

Btw, more often is meant to be loads better for seperation anxiety. The big gaps make it worse. Ideally every day, but short days, is the best. At least till she gets used to it.

My DD was like this when she started nursery 2 days per week. The staff would send me photos of her shortly after, happily playing with toys. DD improved when she upped to more days per week/

Grit your teeth and keep taking her. As the school says, she does settle quickly.
You might try letting her choose and wear a little amulet round her neck under her clothes. Tell her it is like having Mummy right next to her heart.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say DON'T talk about it/big it up beforehand and don't be overly cheery.

This approach makes drop off into a BIG THING. It's too much build up. You're giving her too much time to go over it in her head. Make it seem as small an event as possible and stay neutral. No one wants to be cheered along when they are feeling anxious about a situation - it just creates mixed feelings.

Don't talk about drop off or preschool before hand. When you get there, try and keep the momentum going - just don't stop, if possible. make sure she is holding her thins, march her to the door and before she has time to think, turn around and leave with a quick wave. Let the member of staff distract her in the moment.

There's a great book called the invisible string that might help

@WhenDovesFly How long until
you upped to more days and how many days per week? For us the ideal is a couple of days per week

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer I'd ideally like her to go a couple of times per week. Would there be any point doing more days and then putting it back to two 🤷🏻‍♀️Wouldn’t she just become the same again? I really don’t know, I know that she’d be more upset going more often and at the moment, she can stay with me as I’m not working (teacher) I also do bits with her at home etc, I just wanted a gentle introduction to things and a couple of days in a different environment without me and with her friends

2 days is not really enough for her to see that it's a routine and part of her week/day. By the time the next day comes round, she has got used to being at home again.
In any case, keep it no nonsense. Kiss, hug, cheery wave and off you go. No fuss.

Most preschools would definitely not allow a necklace. But it's reminded me that when DS started school I drew a little heart on his wrist which was a kiss from me, so if he felt sad he just had to look at it and remember I loved him. It really worked for him. Similar thing.