Carrying her in crying

[Comeonchristmas]

Dd, 4 has just started pre school, two mornings per week. Every time we go, she won’t go in and cries when I hand her over and shouts for me and I have to leave. Feel so unbelievably shit doing this, is it normal? Am I doing the right thing or damaging her by forcing her away from me?
Teacher says she’s fine when in, Dd says she likes it when there but that she just wants to be with me
What would you do?

She only goes six hours a week and has only been doing it for a tiny amount of time - she is still adjusting. I would give her a couple more weeks to let her settle. I find it takes children who only do a couple/few sessions a bit longer to settle.

Maybe she is just too young. Just a thought. Children develop at different rates, and this also includes their ability to deal with separation.

However I will say I’m not a fan (despite having worked in a few) of nurseries that don’t let parents into the room where their child is. Just for me personally if I was looking at it as a parent I’d only ever choose a setting where I would be dropping off and picking up in the place where my child was actually spending all their time. Just a personal thing - plus I’ve always found the nurseries I worked in where parents aren’t allowed into the room don’t tend to be the ones with staff who are engaged with/comforting the kids and nice tidy environments with inviting activities set up and modelled.

Ask her what she wants to do. I'd let her stay home if it was me, they aren't little for long xx

Actually I find it very reassuring reading this thread. My DC cried at being left until age 6. I had wondered if we had failed to achieve a secure attachment and what had I done wrong. None of the other kids cried like mine. Now here I am reading that loads of kids do it - so maybe I did not fuck up the secure attachment. My DC is all grown up now and a confident, successful academic.

My eldest was like this, and her son was just as bad but I was prepared this time!
He cried when I came round to their house as he knew I was taking him to nursery. He'd start crying and saying no nursery mummy the minute I walked in, but as the weeks went on he'd start crying later, i.e. when we got in the car, when we got to the car park, when we got to the door etc.
I was bright and breezy, have a lovely day, see you later but it was hard. I used to ring nursery to check he was ok when I got home.
One day he was upset when he went in and an assistant picked him up and took him in. He was leaning over her shoulder, and crying don't leave me grandma, I love you, please don't leave me, proper tears and snot and it broke my heart. I left, realized I'd left something in there so I went straight back in WITHIN SECONDS, and he was happily playing with the trains. They all do it, just keep going!

Mine after having been to nursery regularly did this when starting pre school. I checked with the teachers and sure enough, they were fine the moment I left. After two weeks of feeling terrible guilt for leaving them, I asked why they were doing this when no other kid was and they were now much bigger than at nursery where they hadn't done this. I said it was a bit embarrassing. The next morning they cheerfully announced "I've decided I'm not going to cry today" on the way in and went in happily after that.

A friend used to tell me tales of having to prise the children off her legs when trying to get them to go in. I honestly think they do it because they can and it gets a great reaction from whoever drops them in. Being matter of fact, cheerful and with a short goodbye is the best tactic.

She’s fine as soon as you leave her so I wouldn’t worry about it. I remember my eldest doing the same when I left him but I would watch and very quickly he’d stop crying and be all happy.

it would definitely help to go more often as I found the times when there had been a break more difficult

She’d probably be better going every day tbh. Its the breaks between sessions that are adding to her settling in.

I agree with upping her days. I would also suggest getting one of your hairbands and spraying it with your perfume for her to have on her wrist or in her hair for the day so it feels like you're always there.

It's hard but keep going. She will be at school in a year so needs to adjust now

@Wishiwasatsoftplay What do you mean? That she needs her to know? Op can’t stay though 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m in a similar situation with my Dd, so interested in the replies

I think the nursery worker just meant- she is finding the act of separation hard in itself, and is seeking reassurance for that, not necessarily that she is anxious about the whole time there

can’t stay, obviously, but probably doesn’t need op to either- crying, particularly the sobbing that is typical at the school gate is meant to communicate distress obviously, but doesn’t necessarily need to be fixed- the distressed child is communicating distress, the adult is making sure the child knows their distress has been heard, and then the separation still happens- it’s enough for the child to feel safe, iyswim

This is hard for both mum and child. I even felt sad and guilty the second time around when I took my grandson to nursery on my way to work. I should have known/felt better at the nursery but still felt sad leaving a toddler there. I used to wait behind the window and was reassured when I saw him running off towards the Wendy house within seconds of me leaving.

When my son first went to school I would to tell him I would leave the front and back door wide open for him so he knew home would always be there and available for him. This seemed to reassure him and it worked, so easing his anxiety about never going home. Happy to say he is okay now - a six foot very burly ex squaddie.

Awww I actually think your dd will be fine, we had a nanny and the awkwardness when my toddler used to scream her head off and attach to my leg in the mornings when I left for work.
About 30 mins after I left I'd get pictures of her being absolutely fine.

I still feel sorry for my nanny who, 8 years later, I'm still happily in contact with and dc is absolutely fine! Dd can't even remember it. I remember cleaning snot off my trousers on the knees after she'd rubbed her teary little face on them when I got to work though!