Carrying her in crying

[Comeonchristmas]

Dd, 4 has just started pre school, two mornings per week. Every time we go, she won’t go in and cries when I hand her over and shouts for me and I have to leave. Feel so unbelievably shit doing this, is it normal? Am I doing the right thing or damaging her by forcing her away from me?
Teacher says she’s fine when in, Dd says she likes it when there but that she just wants to be with me
What would you do?

As she settles quickly and enjoys it, I'd just power through.

I think if she went every day it would help the seperation anxiety. But even if you upped it to 3 or 4 that would probably be better. At 2, presumably they are consecutive, she has almost a full week between them, and doesn't have enough chance to get used to going.

Oh, and once she is over it/ settled I think it'd be fine to reduce a little bit if that works better practically.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer Tuesdays and Thursdays

So if I added another day, which do you think would be best? Then if I took it away again, wouldn’t she go back to being the same?
She’s very good with routines and knows it’s Tuesday and Thursday etc

All of my girls did this and I found it really tough emotionally. With that said all barring one of my daughters settled within a few weeks. My daughter who found it hard is summer born though and it was in the middle of the pandemic so lots of disruption.
All of my girls settled well into school though and I feel like it was good for them to overcome the separation anxiety in preschool and get used being amongst lots of other children, adults, routine etc.

Maybe, but she will likely be used to the seperation by then and know the preschool much better. I would aim for 3 days at least. Then you can play it by ear.

My twins went through that phase after months of being fine. One would set the other off. I agreed with school nursery that I’d come in and read them both a story. It was quite sweet the way the other nursery children would gather round and listen too. Then Hug and kiss, cheery goodbye. Precovid don’t suppose it’d be allowed now.

OP, huge sympathy. DS was like this, and he was like it (sorry) until year 2 of primary! He just found the separation really hard.

I'm going to go against the grain and say upping the number of days p/w doesn't make a difference. It didn't for my DS.

The things that helped: not making a big deal, positively OR negatively - being kind but being matter of fact; making a quick exit; having a super super empathetic teacher to hand him over to, who acknowledges rather than belittles their feelings, says yeah it's tough, come and have a cuddle, and right, let's get the books out / drawing started etc.

In yr2 of primary, I would literally "hand over" my DS to his class teacher: I'd put his hand in hers, and then I'd leave. He found that physical handing over massively helpful. She was a brilliant and kind teacher with a massive heart: that's what you need to find for your little one. They need to go from one person (you) to another person.

(DS's teacher also made me feel like there was nothing 'wrong' with my DS, whereas plenty of people DID make me feel that there was, including the eye-rolly parents of bullet-proof extroverts who'd barrel into class without so much as a backward glance.)

Turns out, years later, DS is highly sensitive and also super clever, and I think this has great benefits but also a lot of downsides. He's clever enough that "jollying" him along has never, ever worked, but he's sensitive enough that someone acknowledging how he feels and giving him a mechanism to live with those difficult feelings can do the job. He also appreciates calm, matter of fact-ness about things he finds difficult. "Yes, it's shit, but it is what it is, and this is what we'll do now," works for him far better than anything else I can do.

It's when people try to jolly him along / discount how he feels that he struggles - teaching him that it's OK to find things hard, but that he can come out the other side if he just sits with those feelings, is the most valuable lesson.

We do tend to live in a world that's not that great for sensitive souls, but they can find a way through, as my DS has done / is doing. You sound like a great mum, btw.

Sorry for the very long post! It just took bloody years before I realised all of this!!

Yes I agree up it to 3 days. It's not enough of a routine for her if she's 2 days there and 5 days home. It will take a long time to feel "normal".

Also do you need to be somewhere when you drop her off? Could you stay and play a while and gradually reduce this to you just sitting near the door while she settles?
When my DC1 went to nursery there was a boy who didn't settle well and the staff made it a race to see who could get to the window first to wave and blow kisses, him on the inside or mummy on the outside! Worked a treat to ease separation.

Also could she take a transition object like a small soft toy that smells of home she can cuddle if need be.

She absolutely will settle, it just takes some children a bit longer and it's so heart wrenching for parents

If she was crying continuously the entire time, from when you dropped her off to pick up, I would say she's too young/it's not the right environment for her. But as she's ok once you've gone, I would say just struggle through this period. Don't make a big deal out of her going and don't prolong the goodbye, as cruel as it seems and as much as it breaks your heart. Just say something like: 'Here we are, have a great day. I love you very much and I'll see you at 3pm (or whenever you pick her up)." Then turn around and leave without looking back. My ex never could get the hang of the quick goodbye (still can't) and used to drag it out for fucking ever, which upset our child even more.

Sympathy, OP. My DD did this when she was at a pre-school two days a week - also Tuesdays and Thursdays. We changed the days to consecutive ones, which helped, and then she really improved when she started to do 3 days.

If it's any consolation, it isn't always the case that it continues to school. My DD is in Y1 now and has always LOVED school, despite the busier classes. I think she struggled in the in-structured pre-school/nursery environment - she didn't know who to attach herself to or what to do. She is bright, and thrives in school when every day is split into 15 min chunks.

It's tough though, I know.

We've just been through this. What has helped is to put photos on Tapestry (or whatever app your nursery uses) which the staff look at with him when he gets in, or to take a different book /soft toy/ etc from home to show them. It distracted him at drop off because he was keen to get in and tell them about it.

Ours is not a school nursery so may not work so well in a school setting (fewer staff?) He does 2 days like your dd.

It's so hard, I sympathise.

Ds2 used to cling to the railings, I used to call him suffragette. I would have to prise his hands off whilst holding his legs firmly between mine. I would hand over a flailing child, apologise and leave. The thing is I knew that the second he was inside he was fine because I could see him through the bloody window so why we had such a carry on I will never know.

He had gone to playgroup twice a week for 2 hours each, never had an issue. Ds1 had gone to the same preschool so the staff knew me, said lots of children do kick off and they definitely do and they are fine once they are in. I too am a sahm but wanted him to have all the benefits of preschool. I think 3 days in a row would be better than 2 for your DD. Stick with it.

It's really horrible isn't it? I had the same with my eldest and now again with my youngest. Makes me feel dreadful but I know it will be best for them in the long run.

They don’t allow them to take toys/books in which I think is a real shame. Even on the first day one of the assistants didn’t want her to bring her teddy but relented as was the first day.
Parents have to drop at the door, they don’t allow us to go in etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are they still not allowing parents in because of covid @Comeonchristmas ?

She’s a summer born, so only just turned 4, is it still too young? It’s a pre school that’s attached to the school she’ll go to, so I thought was a good introduction. She’s not shy at all and very friendly and outgoing (talks to everyone) but just seems to be really struggling with this and why has she always been ok at gymnastics without us being there but not here

@CasaDelSoot I'm not sure if that’s the reason, but we drop them with a bag at the door and the assistant takes them through to the classroom to the teacher
I’ve only been into the classroom once for the first parent meeting

Sympathy.

It's the lack of control for them. Best way I know is to be massively confident and display that confidence that this is the right thing for them. Once you hit the leave button, execute the leave routine and don't look back.

Mummy's going now.
I love you.
I will.see you later
Kiss.
Bye!

And leave.

You're taking the right approach. I had this with my eldest and I really let it linger on, stayed inside etc. Subsequent kids I said an encouraging goodbye and a kiss and nipped out much more quickly. In the long run it was better for them and they settled more quickly!

4 is not too young for a pre-school attached to the school. Ours takes them from age 3 for 2 years before school (Scotland)
It smoothed the path to school well as it was just across the playground.

But I was definitely allowed to go in with mine every day at pre-school

Will she go in easier if her dad or someone drops off? Dd makes way more fuss for me than either childminder/dad/granny

I sometimes find identifying another kid and encouraging them to walk in together helps.

Try not to get dragged into drawn out processes of extra hugs and fuss, keep it cheery and brisk.

It's still very early days. I would try to up the days so she is there more days that she is not. At the moment she had 2 days there then a whole 5 before she goes again. She resets and goes back to the start in terms of settling and getting used to being away from you.

My 2 went 5 mornings to preschool in the year before school, even though I'm home.
It's all part of settling them ready for school.

@AloysiusBear Dh has to leave much earlier for work unfortunately, but I can imagine her being just as bad with him as she’s a real daddy’s girl 🙈

Don't tell her you're at home (even if only cleaning!)
She won't understand why she can't be there if you are. Tell her you are working whilst she will be playing

Second, have around for 1-2 minutes and look through the window - seeing she's fine will make you feel much better!