Carrying her in crying

[Comeonchristmas]

Dd, 4 has just started pre school, two mornings per week. Every time we go, she won’t go in and cries when I hand her over and shouts for me and I have to leave. Feel so unbelievably shit doing this, is it normal? Am I doing the right thing or damaging her by forcing her away from me?
Teacher says she’s fine when in, Dd says she likes it when there but that she just wants to be with me
What would you do?

My dd is a daddy's girl too but somehow its like she can detect that it won't elicit the same response from him so doesnt bring all the drama!

Rob beckett made a good point on his podcast, his child had the same thi

Big smile, goodbye kiss, dislodge cling-on. Then 'Bye bye, Mummy will be back to pick you up later' and sharp exit. It's the only way.

I've seen lots of this outside the reception classrooms in the past few weeks. Hanging around just prolonges it. If it makes you feel better, they're all mostly fine and playing happily 10 minutes later.

Oops pressed send too early - he said his child in the end just shouted at him 'I KNOW' and he said it made him think that actually.... its OK to be nervous and having someone going on makes it worse, just let them be nervous and acknowledge thats ok. It really made sense to me and i hadnt thought about it like thay before - Maybe try not talking about it in the build up?

I do have sooo much sympathy for you though - could you ask them to give a quick call once she has settled so your mind can rest?

Sew a little ribbon or button in a sleeve or pocket. Preferably one with hearts, or with her favourite animal on or something. That is her special secret to remind her of you. A particular focus or routine on arrival is a good idea.

I think she might settle better with an extra day, preferably Weds, to begin with. I think she would then probably be fine to drop down to 2 days, but if she isn't, wouldn't it be better to have her settled on 3 days than disrupted and upset on 2? I'm also inclined not to make a big fuss of her going and don't give her treats after for "surviving" nursery because that can reinforce that's it's negative.

I'm a bit skeptical of settings that don't let a preschooler bring in a transition toy.

She’s a summer born, so only just turned 4, is it still too young? It’s a pre school that’s attached to the school she’ll go to, so I thought was a good introduction.

No, she isn't too young. The children at our preschool go from 2.5/3.

At home she has undivided adult attention, which children love. At preschool she will have to get used to 8 children per adult, which takes getting used to. Gymnastics is different as its a very directed activity. I actually think the child led free play approach of preschools actually is harder at first because they feel a bit lost and dont know what they are "supposed" to do and there are fewer adults to guide.

While this transition is tough, delaying it will only make starting school (even less adult time!) Even harder.

If she's fine when she's there then, well, it's fine.

My little boy was like this when he was only going two mornings a week, he only really improved once he went more and stayed for lunch. Its such a big gap until they go again only doing a couple of mornings so they don't really get used to going.

this might sound strange but I was very shy as a child and I absolutely hated nursery and I still remember to this day how much I hated it but I started school when I was 4 and loved it

Another vote for more often/
something said to me- if she is happy playing there, then she isn’t crying bc she doesn’t want to go, but bc she needs you to know she wants you to stay

Personally, I wouldn’t send her. It sounds like she’s clearly communicating to you she doesn’t want to go, regardless of if she’s ok when she’s there.
Mine never went to nursery/pre school and all very sociable and independent. At that age it’s natural for them to want to be with you.

Its so hard, I had one who did this and its heart breaking. however she was always fine once there, it was just the dropping off.

What actually helped was her going every day as mad as that sounds. As it then became just part of her weekly routine. And there was no fun days at home inbetween anymore, which was the issue as she preferred those to going into nursery. So taking that out as even an option seemed to help massively. Of course we then had fun times after nursery instead. I know your LO goes for 2 days, perhaps it might be better if those 2 days are together instead of spread out if they can't be increased?

The other thing which helped, but you say your nursery doesn't do but might be something you can suggest? Was each child was allowed to take in a soft toy each day, which was put into a little box by the door. So they were not allowed to keep them on them, but they were there in the room with them. The teacher did a little routine at the end of the day, holding each one up and asking whose it was which seemed to delight everyone and so they were all given back to take home again. The point of this, was so if one of the little ones got very upset during the day, or hurt themselves or just needed comforting over something, they could have their cuddly toy for a little while to help calm them. DD was just comforted by thefact her favourite teddy was in the room with her and never needed it after the first couple of days.

She doesn't have to go. She is terribly upset. Why force her to?
Listen to her OP.

Just remembered with my 5th dc, went in fine but around age 5 started getting upset about school. Not dropping off but teacher would say he cried a bit today etc.
So we did the hug button. Which basically was I drew a little heart on his wrist each morning, and drew one on mine. And if he was feeling sad at school he was the press his hug button and I would feel it on mine and press back. It worked pretty much immediately. The first day we did it he came out of school, hadnt been upset he said as he pressed his button and knew i was hugging him back :)

Something I’ve seen online is that you draw a little heart on your hand and on hers so that if she is missing you she can give it a little kiss and think of you. If she is happy whilst there, then I would persevere a bit longer.
It feels horrible though, doesn’t it.

Sorry - posted mine without seeing the comment above!

Sympathies, we had the same and although it’s normal, it was so difficult. We read the book “The Kissing Hand” a lot and that helped, but ultimately it just took time for DC to settle in. Preschool is so important and really helped my DC get used to routine before starting primary (both of mine did 4 mornings a week from age 3). Just stay calm and confident, don’t let your child pick up on your anxiety…. It’s early days and I’m sure things will be very different after a couple of weeks.

My DD started school at 4 and was very tearful. We gave her a photo of DH and I to hold and take in with her and it helped her a lot to see us and be reassured. The teacher was on board with this and encouraged her to put it away once she was inside. She soon managed without it. It was just about familiarising herself with the school setting and feeling comfortable there.

We also did the heart on the hand thing when he started school, this was a complete game changer. Things were different from that day on. Crazy!!

DD had awful separation anxiety and was like this all through nursery and somewhat in Reception. Consistency in sending her in along with the staff being welcoming was important. As long as they are happy once in you needn't worry about them staying sad. A 'hug button' (have seen various mentions here of physical and drawn on symbols) was much more effective than I thought.

She still doesn't like leaving us but is happy going to and in school.

Drop off as quickly as possible, most calm down as soon as the parents are out of sight but the longer the separation takes the more upset they get.

I agree with this, also it's a bit like trying to talk her out of her feelings otherwise. Empathise about how tough it can be for her being apart if she brings that up at home, at nursery keep it brief, and cheery.

I also second doing more days a week. Every day is a lot but I think a minimum of three works better.

I think she is fine and will get better over time.
I also think 2 mornings per week may be making it harder for her to settle as she isn't there enough. Could she do 2 full days, or 3 days?
She really isn't that young, if she was born 4 weeks earlier she would likely be in school full time by now (assuming you are in England)!

My dd changed nursery age 3 and 10months and it was a nightmare - she just hated being left there. This from a child who went cheerfully to her old nursery every day having settled in age 11 months. So I knew it would be fine and within 4 weeks she absolutely loved it.

Make the handover short and sweet; don’t sympathise with her upset. Just a happy smile, “have a lovely day”, hug, wave, turn and walk away. Same every day.

Also my son did part time nursery aged 2 and I was advised he would like it a lot more if he went FT so I increased my working hours and paid for FT and he LOVES it now. It was an almost instant transformation. I think it’s because he didn’t miss anything - stories, activities, friends, birthday cakes, things that lace one day to the next. The staff build anticipation of fun things and then… they are not there for them.

so do consider FT, it may help !

I agree with this approach. Going on about it might be making it worse . Just drop her off in avnice cheery manner ask a member of staff to distraction her in some way and maybe they can send you a picture of her half an hour later without telling her doing something fun to put your mind at rest .