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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS hates uni so far

79 replies

sgriffin89 · 26/09/2022 21:58

Not really an AIBU but I feel like the worst mum.

Youngest DS went to uni last weekend, there was a lot of tears when I dropped him off but my eldest DS was the same last year so I thought he'd be fine once he was settled etc. He’d been messaging me throughout the week saying he didn't like it and hadn't made any friends etc. He called me tonight in tears saying he hates it and wants to come home etc and he said his flatmates had a party over the weekend and he didn't get involved as he didn't want to ‘get in the way’ I told him he'll settle in soon and he'll enjoy it etc.

I'm just feeling like the worse mum for not bringing him home like he asked Sad

OP posts:
Stopsnowing · 26/09/2022 21:58

It has been less than a week!

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2022 21:59

Is he quiet and shy in general? Did he not have many friends at school? Did he go out much when he lived at home?

I would in no way be bringing him home so don't worry about feeling like a bad mum, because just don't think you are. He is an adult and I feel he is maybe overreacting a bit.

prettylittlethingss · 26/09/2022 22:02

Your poor DS. I dropped out of uni after not enjoying it. I got the train home so many times. Coming from myself and friends I know they dropped out - do not come home.
He will become too comfortable at home.
Unless he is at breaking point it's in his best interest to stay there! I then did change uni and not go home even on my dark days. I completed it.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 26/09/2022 22:08

Is he on Freshers Week? I hated Freshers. No structure, excessive drinking, stupid behaviour and being stuck with a bunch of random people I happened to share a corridor with none of whom were my sort of people.
It often gets better when the course starts.
Has he joined any clubs alighed to his interests. It might not have happened yet but encourage him to go to the club fair and join a lot and then see how he goes.
Please don't bring him home. Offer support and agree a time frame after which you will resuce him but not before. It helped my DS to have a date to aim for. Once he reached that date he was fine!!!

Sometimessometime · 26/09/2022 22:08

It's difficult. I wouldn't necessarily tell them it'll be fine, I'd try to listen and understand, I'd also reassure them that 1000s of students all around the country are feeling the same, and like with everything, the loud, social ones are the ones that get noticed. Maybe give them a time frame- like if they're still not enjoying it in 6 weeks you'll go and get them and formulate a new plan.

Bobbybobbins · 26/09/2022 22:12

The first week or two can be really difficult. Personally I didn't enjoy freshers week at all. I think he needs to stick it out and once his course starts things will improve. Does he have any interests? Maybe joining some clubs might help.

tral · 26/09/2022 22:13

I'd tell him he needed to stay until December (could come home as much as he wants at weekends) but he needs to stick it out until December. Agree a date. If December comes and he still isn't enjoying it then of course I would let him home and figure out a plan from there, uni closer to home etc.

If there was some sort of crisis though before agreed date (ie he was becoming withdrawn, depressed, suicidal) then of course I would let him home then.

I don't think it's a case of not letting him home, I'm sure he's always welcome in your home but it's more encouraging him to stick it out because it would be a real shame if he missed out due to just not giving it a chance.

Let him know that you are at the other side of the phone, and that you understand how horrible it is to feel homesick etc. Just let him know you are there for him and understand how he's feeling.

tral · 26/09/2022 22:14

If it's possible could he come home every weekend?

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/09/2022 22:15

I think it's fairly normal to feel like that at first... Remind him of why he wanted to go there in the first place. Reassure him that he is there to study and to concentrate on the course, and maybe join a couple of clubs to meet more like-minded people. It's ok to be homesick. It's not a reason to give up so soon. Arrange for a weekend home in a few weeks. If he still hates it by Christmas then think about leaving.

KassandraOfSparta · 26/09/2022 22:16

You know, bring away gir uni isn’t for everyone. I went away at 18 and was so miserable and depressed. What didn’t help was my parents telling me about all the fun I should be having and how crying every day was character building.

yes encourage him to give it a bit longer and find his tribe. But don’t give the no return message or fill the poor lad with stories about how wonderfully everyone else is doing, if he’s telling you he’s desperately unhappy and not coping you have to listen to him.

PinkStickleBrick · 26/09/2022 22:17

I'd second suggesting he comes home for a weekend if possible. I'm sure I felt like this for a few months

DisappearingGirl · 26/09/2022 22:18

I think Uni was better when students went into big halls where you were likely to meet someone you got on with. When it's individual flats, you can easily end up living with people you have nothing in common with!

I'd probably tell him to try and be friendly to his flatmates as far as possible, but not to feel bad if they just don't click - there's nothing wrong with him, it's just pure chance who you end up in a flat with! I'd advise him to go along to as many course-related things and interest clubs etc as possible. He doesn't have to stick with them all, but hopefully he'll find some like-minded people at some of them.

Splodgerbodgerbadger · 26/09/2022 22:19

I felt like this when I did my nurse training I didn’t really click with anyone on my course to start with and not at all with the others in the accommodation block. I used to go home every weekend until around three months in i met more people that weren’t on my intake and became really good friends. But I do remember feeling lonely for the first couple of months.

MangosteenSoda · 26/09/2022 22:21

He needs to find his people. He should join clubs/societies that he’s interested in and take it from there. He may also feel better after getting more involved with his course.

One random suggestion is the International Society if there is one. They usually accept all comers and can be really friendly places that don’t revolve around drinking and partying.

If he continues to hate it, he should look into unis within commuting distance of home.

Original poster
sgriffin89 · 26/09/2022 22:28

Thank you for your replies everyone.

DS coming home every weekend isn't possible unfortunately as the uni is 3.5/4 hours away, he is closer to his dad's house but they aren't very close so I doubt DS would want to go there (although I'm sure he'd be welcome as ex did mention that they could see more of each other etc). DS has a small friend group here and he was happy with that as they all were close, he's also close to DS1, he is shy and anxious and he would go out occasionally with his friends but very rarely drinking but he preferred staying at home

OP posts:
VeronicaFranklin · 26/09/2022 22:29

Sounds like he is just homesick, it will pass if he preservers.

He is probably missing his home comforts and the predictability of his usual surroundings that he knows. I'm sure more of his class mates feel similar but might not say it.

People as a rule usually don't like change, we rebel against it initially rather than accept it. But I'm sure with time, he will begin to enjoy it once he makes some friends and his surroundings begin to feel familiar.

In mean time can you plan some trips home for him or to go visit him. So he has something to look forward to.

Maybe do a morning and nightly FaceTime call so his day has some structure.

He just needs time to adjust, and you need to encourage him to understand that or he will risk quitting coming home and perhaps regretting it further down the line.

mrsjackrussell · 26/09/2022 22:33

Please tell him to give it a few months. My daughter felt like this until she found her tribe when she joined some groups and clubs. She absolutely was a changed person after this.
He will find people he clicks with eventually and as another pp said freshers week is not the true face of uni.

CherrySocks · 26/09/2022 22:38

DisappearingGirl · 26/09/2022 22:18

I think Uni was better when students went into big halls where you were likely to meet someone you got on with. When it's individual flats, you can easily end up living with people you have nothing in common with!

I'd probably tell him to try and be friendly to his flatmates as far as possible, but not to feel bad if they just don't click - there's nothing wrong with him, it's just pure chance who you end up in a flat with! I'd advise him to go along to as many course-related things and interest clubs etc as possible. He doesn't have to stick with them all, but hopefully he'll find some like-minded people at some of them.

Agree with this

Mumto32022 · 26/09/2022 22:42

Honestly, it’s too early for him to know if he likes it or not. Once he’s in proper lectures and meets people on his course / starts society groups etc he may feel better.
however the first uni I went to I lasted 4 months. I wanted to like it… I really did! But I was home sick. I thought at 18 I wanted independence etc but it was a massive shock I was used to my friends and our ‘banter’ and sense of humour and didn’t realise how different everyone else was. I moved home and went to uni at a local one. And enjoyed it much more living at home!
I thought I would miss the ‘uni experience’ but I really didn’t. Maybe just say to him, give it until Christmas and let’s re evaluate how you feel and we will talk it through properly then?
if he truly is miserable still then, then consider other options.

Robostripes · 26/09/2022 22:43

I was horribly homesick when I first started uni, I cried every day. It took until at least halfway through the first term for me to settle in a bit and even then I didn’t love it, I was a real home bird. I was only an hour and a bit from home and I did go home quite a lot at weekends which I think was actually counterproductive, I’d have settled in more quickly if I’d stayed.

Others have already given lots of tips - clubs and societies a great way to find your tribe. There’s a club for everything at most unis. It’s also better once the course starts properly and you get into more of a routine. Reassure him that he will be ok and he’s just got to tough out this first few weeks.

Siepie · 26/09/2022 22:45

I spent most of freshers week crying in my room. I then ended up having the time of my life at uni (and eventually becoming a lecturer!)

Freshers week can be very hard. Late nights, no routine, an expectation that everyone is extroverted and wants to socialise 24/7. A lot of students who struggle with Freshers week find their feet once term starts. Hopefully he'll settle in and find his tribe once classes start. Unless he's completely unable to cope, I'd encourage him to persevere for another couple of weeks.

antelopevalley · 26/09/2022 22:46

tral · 26/09/2022 22:14

If it's possible could he come home every weekend?

People who do that usually drop out as they have no real chance to make friends.

Meadowland · 26/09/2022 22:48

Same happened with our ds. We felt wretched. We told him that if he still felt the same at Christmas, he could transfer to a local uni and live at home. That was all he needed to hear. He soon settled after that.

minipie · 26/09/2022 22:52

The first few weeks are very disorienting and weird as I recall. You are just trying people out and them you. Sometimes you hang out with a group for a while only to realise later you haven’t got much in common. But that’s ok because there are other people to get to know. It takes a while to find your people. But then it’s great. Mostly!

There is a reason there’s so much drinking, it’s because everyone is feeling very awkward and alcohol breaks down barriers. (Of course it has plenty of other downsides!)

I do remember feeling like everyone else had made best mates already, but in hindsight they really really hadn’t, they just did a good job of faking it. Is he feeling like this?

Afterfire · 26/09/2022 22:59

Please tell him that if he genuinely feels so unhappy he wants to quit and come home that that’s okay. Dd is 19 and in her second year and absolutely loving it - but - she had a best friend that sounds exactly like your Ds and has basically spent the entire first year miserable as hell and utterly depressed and homesick. I’m not saying you’re going to do this but her parents have basically coaxed her into staying but she’s absolutely hated it and has now entered her second year feeling she can’t quit as she will let her parents down. She cries down the phone to dd regularly and hasn’t really made any friends - she has tried very hard to mix in but is naturally quite introverted and has really struggled.

I have always made it very clear to dd that if she ever wants to stop university or just come home she can, anytime. There is a lot of pressure on dc to keep at it and keep going but it really doesn’t suit everyone, and yes some people know that after only a week. He could always come home and get a job and try again next year.