DS hates uni so far

[sgriffin89]

Not really an AIBU but I feel like the worst mum.

Youngest DS went to uni last weekend, there was a lot of tears when I dropped him off but my eldest DS was the same last year so I thought he'd be fine once he was settled etc. He’d been messaging me throughout the week saying he didn't like it and hadn't made any friends etc. He called me tonight in tears saying he hates it and wants to come home etc and he said his flatmates had a party over the weekend and he didn't get involved as he didn't want to ‘get in the way’ I told him he'll settle in soon and he'll enjoy it etc.

I'm just feeling like the worse mum for not bringing him home like he asked

My DS is much the same. He's only been there a few days but is clearly very homesick. All the rest of his flat are out partying tonight but he's not interested in any of that so he was just sitting in his room on his own. I video called him tonight and I think he'd been crying. I'm sure things will improve when lectures start properly and he meets people on his course who are more likely to share his interests though. There's a societies fair later in the week so I'm hoping he will join a couple of things and make some friends. But I know how you feel OP. I would really like to get in the car and go and fetch him right now but I know that wouldn't really be in his interests.
I think the freshers activities go on too long. I am sure when I went to University we had a day to get library cards, pick up your grant cheque etc (yes, it was a long time ago... ) and then we were straight into lectures. Of course there were social events in the evenings but we were expected to be up and at lectures during the day, whereas now it seems to be 10 days of non stop partying, which for those who are not that way inclined is torturous really. I'd have hated it too so I understand why DS is unhappy. He's also struggling with the transition to living in the middle of a big city as we're from a very quiet little village. I'm feeling rotten because he'd previously expressed an interest in doing an apprenticeship and staying at home but DH and I persuaded him otherwise and I'm doubting myself now. Ah well, we'll just have to see what happens. I'm really hoping that once he has some work to do it will improve.

I think you have to be form with him. Tell him it takes a little while to find your crowd. He will soon meet people and if not he will at least have given it a try.

most people I know loved uni but one of my friend’s kids never did and came home every chance she got. She didn’t use her degree and settle me down and had kids as soon as she graduated .

For most people, University is liberating and life-shaping, and that’s pretty much the expectation going in

I’m not shy, not anxious, pretty gregarious - and I hated University. Struck up some casual friendships, but none that made me feel bonded to the place. Went to lectures, pretty resignedly. Couldn’t get interested in the social life at all. The whole experience seemed hollow and unproductive to me.

I lasted till the February, then dropped out and got on with my life.

So, yes, encourage the kid to stick it out till Christmas, but if he wants to kick it, don’t feel he’s failed or chickened out. It’s not for everyone.

Uni isn't for everyone, and there are other routes such as distance learning with the OU that might suit your ds.

That said I think the suggestion of being able to come home at Christmas might offer an 'out' that makes things less painful.

Hold your nerve OP💐

He could go to freshers fair this week and join some societies which don’t revolve around going out, drinking. Something like the board game society, he’ll meet people more on his wavelength

My friends son took ages to settle in. He went to private school and was always the popular guy with lots of friends and lotels going on. He went to uni and really struggled to fit in. He got left out of parties and people would bang on his door and run off. It took months but he found his voice and got to know people and they realised he's a lovely guy and he had an enjoyable time in the end. It's so sad though. On the other hand my anxiety ridden, depressed cousin who can't usually bare to speak to people fitted in straight away.

He's been there a WEEK. He needs to knuckle down and get on with it. Don't pander.

I didn’t like uni in the first week as I knew no one and had no friends. I kept telling my parents I hated it. It wasnt until I made friends that I no longer hated it. He just needs to give it time.

My very sociable, very confident god daughter is in a similar situation. Wants to come home, doesn’t like it, finds it boring.

I’m sure she will settle. Maybe they just expect uni life to be like tv - all parties and fun times.

Give it some more time ! My daughter has just gone too. I was like your son and cried to come home my mum let me. I was then depressed and felt like I had made a huge mistake and then blamed her for allowing it.

One of my student friends was the same. She managed to transfer from her uni 5 hours away, to one local to home. She did this in these first weeks and didn't have to miss the year, starting where she left off.

Has his course started yet?

Over 20 years now ago but I hated uni, rang my parents to come pick me up because it wasn’t for me, I hadn’t settled, etc etc. My parents, knowing their child like we all do, were quite firm in sticking it out til Christmas by which time I couldn’t wait to go back. It was probably a good month that I felt like a fish out of water but eventually the routine, people, places etc became familiar. The “let’s see at Christmas” was something I could aim towards & hold onto, that didn’t make it seem like an endless stretch of time ahead of me.

Now, I look back at my time at uni with rose tinted specs, it was just the best time of my life, but I can still remember sitting on the bed and listening to some sad songs on my giant stereo and feeling like it was the worst decision ever made.

Are you my parents? 🙄

This is the sort of message I was getting from my parents when I was unhappy to the point of wanting to end it all. Knuckle down, stiff upper lip, character building.

OP has to tread a very fine line between encouraging him to give it a proper go, and making sure he knows that his happiness is the most important thing and that he always has the option to go back home if it doesn't work out.

University and living so far from home at eighteen isn't for everyone.

However he can't know that he truly hates it yet - he won't even have started lectures. I agree with those saying he needs to give it until Christmas.

The first week is a massive shock if you’re not naturally into student life. It’s tempting to give up straight away; a few people in my year did. DS will have to learn to take the long view. Once his course starts properly, he’ll get into a routine and meet his kind of people.

Freshers week is horrible. My cousin who was at a university nearer home than your son, went home for the week and went back when lectures started, after that he was fine.
There are usually lots of sports societies although they can be a bit drink biased, but a lot of university have Sci fi groups or board game groups or he could try a new sport like fencing or archery where there are likely to be more beginners.

Has he actually tried to get to know his flatmates? Even if they are not his type of people and he eventually makes closer friends elsewhere, it's going to be very awkward if he isn't at least happy chatting to them in the kitchen etc.

I get it though. I was very shy and socially anxious at uni (and still am to a certain extent). I remember my first night in halls - there were a bunch of people chatting and drinking in one of the bedrooms (door open) but I was too scared to go in. Eventually after walking around outside feeling sorry for myself - I gave myself a shake and told myself I'd never make friends if I didn't get out there and introduce myself. So I took a deep breath and went in to that room. And it was fine. In the nicest possible way, your son needs to man up and throw himself into it. Tell him that a lot of people will be feeling the same way and everyone is in the same boat, trying to find their feet and make friends.

Loads of students feel exactly the same as your DS when they start university. It's a massive change and it is difficult, especially if you're shy. The first weeks are by far the hardest and it can take a while to settle in, especially when the only people you're meeting are the ones in your accommodation who you might not necessarily have much in common with.

I hated my first university and I did end up dropping out after one term. It wasn't the right university for me, it wasn't very campus-based, the people near me in halls were very cliquey, and I then had another issue in my life that made it all too much. However, I reapplied for different universities the following year and had a completely different experience - yes, it was still terrifying and yes, Fresher's Week etc was really stressful, but I was totally happy and settled there by Christmas.

I would suggest that you tell him he needs to stick it out for a term, ideally two. And he does absolutely need to make more effort with his flatmates instead not joining in because he 'feels like he'd be in the way' - they probably think he doesn't like them and doesn't want to participate. I think it can be hard if you're not interested in partying, because a lot of Fresher's Week activities are about that, but I think you have to force yourself to go along with it up to a point purely to meet people (you don't have to get hammered, just go along and nurse the same drink for hours if need be) and get used to the social scene a bit. Joining clubs etc is also a good idea. They are very good for meeting like-minded people. He'll also meet more people through his course when that properly gets going, and he's likely to have more in common with them. His department will almost certainly have a society for social events based around the subject too, eg there's usually a Maths Soc and and English Soc and so on.

Also - has your DS ever had a job? I only ask because I massively, massively grew in confidence after I worked in a shop for year between universities. I'd had a Saturday job before that but working full time in a team and having regular customers and more responsibility etc just made a huge difference to my shyness. So if the worst comes to the worst and your DS really doesn't settle in his first year, i'd definitely recommend that before he tries again at uni.

I was absolutely desperate to get away from home so his experience isn't something I can relate to, but I'd be interested to know if he's shy in general. Not wanting to go to a party in your own home because 'you might get in the way' suggests as much, but maybe he's very different at home?

I'd ask him to hang in till Christmas - that's when it turned for DD1. She got to know people on her course, made a small but close group of friends and got first exam results, which were encouraging. Tell him also to contact his uni's pastoral care service - DD1 talked to them a lot and they were great, really helped her.

Freshers week generally sucks, both my DDs hated it.

Thanks everyone for replying

To answer a few things:

DS could've gone to a local uni but he said he didn't want to as DS1 hasn't, I didn't think he was ready for uni but I think he's mainly gone because of DS1. I think I will tell him to wait until Christmas

I hated quite a bit of my first year and spent the weekends taking the train home or wailing down the phone.

My mother more or less told me to pull myself together. It was hard but I got there. It was great fun when I'd settled and got to know people.

Don’t let him do that, the most time he spends away from university the most isolated he will feel.

The first few weeks are difficult for everyone but if he doesn’t start engaging with his peers in the next few weeks he may find it difficult to break into more established groups. He only needs one friend to start with but he needs to start throwing himself into it as otherwise the other students will stop inviting him altogether.

If he is still feeling bad by Christmas maybe taking leve of absence for a year may be a good option.

Agree with holding your nerve. He needs to build up his resilience because the workplace will require similar skills one day. Hopefully he will find his place and settle in. Has he joined any clubs or societies?

I think this year and this year's second years really suffered from the lack of socialisation caused by Covid lockdowns. I rent to students and the second years are very different from the third and fourth years, far more so than usual, in terms of independence and ability to live without parental support. While not dismissing or commenting on your son's circumstances, the boys in particular seem to be a lot of babies in terms of social development. Even their parents are frustrated by them. Both the parents and I (the landlord) have had constant emails and telephone calls asking for assistance for basic simple tasks, when before I think they would have asked other students.