DS hates uni so far

[sgriffin89]

Not really an AIBU but I feel like the worst mum.

Youngest DS went to uni last weekend, there was a lot of tears when I dropped him off but my eldest DS was the same last year so I thought he'd be fine once he was settled etc. He’d been messaging me throughout the week saying he didn't like it and hadn't made any friends etc. He called me tonight in tears saying he hates it and wants to come home etc and he said his flatmates had a party over the weekend and he didn't get involved as he didn't want to ‘get in the way’ I told him he'll settle in soon and he'll enjoy it etc.

I'm just feeling like the worse mum for not bringing him home like he asked

It's a bit of a shock when you first arrive and you know NOBODY and, for the first time, you're out of the school structure that makes getting to know people a bit easier.

But, best to learn how to introduce yourself to new people, how to invite a few people round for coffee or out for a drink or a curry, because these are important life skills.

Important life lesson - sometimes situations are unpleasant until you learn the new skills needed to cope with them.

Other people are probably also feeling homesick - if he asks a reasonable proportion of the other freshers he meets how they're finding it and whether they're feeling a bit adrift, he'll not only be caring for others but making connections which can lead to friendship.

Your poor son OP. This is not an unusual situation though. He's probably homesick.

Can you go up at the weekend so he sees a familiar face? Then he could home for weekend a couple of weeks later. Just get him to take it a couple of weeks at a time.

Once his course stars proper and he's in a routine with lots of work he'll probably settle more.
Could he join a society, something he's interested in to find his tribe?

I think the suggestion by PP of telling him he needs to give it to Christmas before deciding whether he's going to quit is a good one. Hopefully things will be much better by Christmas but at least he knows he has a way out if it's not.

Oohhhhh poor love, is there not a uni close to home he could go to

First few weeks can be tough. But its worth finding out when the cut off is to withdraw without paying any fees (if there is one at that university - there is where I work).

How on earth is he going to settle in and make friends if he comes home every weekend?
Encourage him to join clubs related to any interests he has - there will be plenty to choose from.
Send cake (and maybe beers, gin or vodka) for him to share with his flat mates.

I absolutely bloody hated the first 3 weeks I think. Just didn’t meet anyone I liked, felt like such hard work, then I met the right people and really loved my time there - several of my closest friends are university friends and it was decades ago now.

you can’t bring him home! - you are definitely doing the right thing

But if he really is shy I would quietly call up student services and ask them where he can find them, it sounds like he needs some support and help to make life easier. If he thinks he should stay out of the way of his flat party, that would indicate his social skills need a bit of work and he needs a push. But he won’t be the only shy one around, and they’ll help him realise it just takes a bit longer for some people

I was quite surprised to realise in the last week of my first term that I'd got through that whole week without crying... Having said that, I really enjoyed it once I'd got more used to it and did a PhD in the end!

I went home after about three weeks for the weekend (family birthday) and actually seeing that everything was the same there really helped me.

Freshers' week is honestly much more fun when you're not a fresher.

This is not going to help him

Did he choose a uni away from home himself, or was he pressured into doing it by his teachers or you or friends "because that's what everyone does."?

I was the latter. I knew when I got there that it was just a huge mistake and I shouldn't have let mself get pushed into it. I was immature and just wasn't ready for that leap. I started again the following year at a local uni anand made friends quite quickly once my course started, and ended up loving it. MOved out in my third year and never went home again. With me, though, I also knew that I i hadn't looked closely enough at the course content, so that was another reason I knew it had been a mistake going to the first one.

All I'd say is that some young people are a bit slower than others at growing up. They need to do it in small stages, at their own pace. And sometimes if they are unsure of themslelves, or too easily swayed by others, they can make the wrong decisions about things when deep down they know their gut feeling is to take another path.

I do agree that freshers week is v hard if you're not a party animal and quite shy. Once he gets stuck into work and meets people off his course it might be a whole other ball game.

Has his brother got any advice for him?

Freshers week is crap- organised fun. It’s like New Years Eve. The worst time to go out to a pub or club. Your DS can concentrate on hanging out with the flat mates when they are around and getting to know coursemates. Freshers week is also yesterday’s news as soon as classes have started. There’s a whole university and new town or campus waiting to be explored so nobody should be discouraged by not clicking immediately with flatmates. It will be fine.

Is it possible the flatmates and he are not the right fit for each other? Are there no Hall vacancies? DD went into a privately run facility in her final two years, it was a studio type of set up with ensuite. It was perfect for her and much quieter than halls and she was a lot happier.

Failing that, her uni allowed students to drop out within an initial period of time without giving a full terms notice and payment if they felt they had made a mistake. It does happen so perhaps this is something that can be investigated for your DS, but quite soon.

Uni isn't necessarily the right thing for everyone to undertake.

Why don't you pop onto WIWIKAU on Facebook there is lots of similar posts.

First term at uni can be hard but if they can stick out to Christmas most soon find their feet. Can you perhaps visit him for the weekend? Once lectures start they get into a routine and get to know students on their course. Definitely encourage him to join a couple of societies they all do quiz nights and you don't have to drink. Does his subject have a reading week this term for him to come home for a bit of TLC. I think if he can get through to Christmas and if uni is not for him at least he can say he has given it a good go. Good luck, first term at uni is a rollercoaster for them and us parents.

Firstly, you’re not being a bad mum. But you have to resist the temptation to whisk him away home again. I get that after the last couple of years it’s even harder than usual for some to step outside their comfort zone but it has to be done. If there’s one time in your life when you can find like-minded people or even reinvent yourself, it’s university. But he’ll need to be proactive and seek them out by joining societies, trying new interests, sports whatever. There really is something for everyone at most unis. Support him but try not to let him retreat home.

He does need to give it longer, get into the routine of lectures not just freshers and throw himself into various activities and clubs.
Why don’t you plan a visit to him in a few weeks? That’s what I did last year for my dd, it felt less likely to make her homesick than if she’d come home. She showed me round, we caught the bus into town and it seemed like she belonged somehow. I also took her shopping, an all expenses paid trip to Aldi! Or maybe his brother visiting, or his dad.

Does his university have alcohol free halls? Very different type of students.
If he doesn't settle in the next week or so might be worth enquiring.
There's always movement in the early weeks. If he isn't in the right environment there may be other options.

DS2 has just messaged to say he tried rugby club tonight and it was great.

Definitely recommend advising him to see what clubs he'd be interested in.

Freshers Week can be so disorientating for quiet students especially if they are feeling isolated from family and his flatmates are clearly not the tribe he's looking for. Bet you anything once lectures and seminars start he'll find like-minded people - it just takes talking to that one person who will lead him to the gang he's looking for. Hope he settles soon, it's so stressful when your kids move away isn't it, but you need to let them find his own way and try not to encourage him to come home at weekends.

You have had lots of good advice on here but your DS sounds ill prepared and perhaps a little immature. What was he expecting it to be like? Maybe he wasn't ready. One thing I found when mine started was that they weren't good at finding out what help was available, just going along with what everyone else was doing and deciding they didn't enjoy it, or find anyone with whom they had something in common. I'm sure there are buddying schemes, and plenty of alcohol free activities. They just have to be sought. It is almost certainly too soon to give up and much may change when lectures get underway. Good luck.

That’s so hard. I hated university the first couple of months. Not homesick , I just hated it. I also shared with a school friend who was homesick and went home and travelled back and forth for the 1st semester. When I went home for xmas hols I couldn’t wait to get back and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my uni time.

Oh God, the horrors of freshers week! Endlessly asking everyone you meet where they’re from, then what course they’re doing … awful, especially if you’re a shy introvert. That said, it’s worth him trying to get into the course, and finding some sports/societies to try, it’s really too early for him to throw the towel in. Try to be gently encouraging, send him supportive text messages for example, get his brother to message him, so he knows people are willing him on.

Best post on here. Tough love is overrated.

I had a similar experience in my first year as I didn't click with any of my flatmates. I'm not really shy but wasn't into drinking and a couple of the guys were horrible. I wish I'd asked to swap flats or go into halls instead.

I moved in with course friends for the 2nd and 3rd year and had a great time.

Honestly… I would encourage him to stick it out. The first few weeks it feels like every already has made their friends and if you didn’t manage it on the first day you were sunk.

I think the party is a good example… he’s waiting for an invitation from his flatmates when the expectation is that he was already included and didn’t need an explicit invitation. Now it’s very likely from your description it’s not his scene, but going down for a beer and and chat is a good way to put himself out there. I think a little bit of calibration is needed on his part about how Uni/adult interactions go, it is different from childhood friends, and he is going to have to make some effort. It is also likely to be uncomfortable for him and that’s ok.

He’ll meet people in classes, he’ll try out clubs, he’ll get to know his flat mates better. Thais doesn’t happen in the first week for everyone. If it did there wouldn’t be a mad rush to change living arrangements later in the year as groups form and friendships are made.

Also from your description it sounds like he didn’t socialize a lot at home. He can still have his home friends while being in school and taking classes.

if he truly is still miserable after he gives it an honest go, then I would ask him what he’s planning to do.

I hated my first semester at uni, called my parents in tears most days. Around Christmas, I found my tribe and things did a complete 180 - loved it after that. Encourage him to stick with it and trust me, there will be plenty of others in his year feeling exactly the same.

I'd look at why he didn't join in with the party because he 'thought he'd get in the way'. And also why he is so anxious and shy. Because if he hides in his room away from his flatmates he is going to be miserable. Does he have a doorstop to keep his door open? That's really important in my opinion. If not he can prop it open using something. If he hides away he will feel excluded and they will think he wants that, it most likely will not even be intentional but after he misses a few events they will just think he doesn't want to join in.

It sounds like he needs to work on his confidence. Really, speak to him about this, as it sounds like a key issue. If he'd gone to the party he may have enjoyed it. Not everyone is a heavy drinker. When I went to halls I filled in the questionnaire saying I loved travel and put my bedtime at 11pm even though it wasn't. I got matched with international students, and quiet students, most of whom didn't drink. Although I drank this suited me as I did a lot of sport and I did NOT want a party hall at all. I wanted a quiet one.