Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be annoyed at text from colleague?

87 replies

200degrees · 26/09/2022 14:31

My husband died 10 days ago. I am taking compassionate leave from work and my GP gave me a month fit note.

A non-management colleague just text messaged me asking which manager is “checking in with me” whilst my boss isn’t at work with a 2nd text “hope you’re okay” sent 20 minutes afterwards. The condolences felt insincere with the time gap between messages, but I am mainly annoyed as I have been off work for a total of 5 days so far - as part of my compassionate leave. My sick leave will start after this ends. I didn’t know my manager was on leave so actually called him and spoke to him this morning and he was like don’t worry about work at all. We spoke before this on Friday.

Therefore I don’t think anyone needs to be “checking in” with me, especially after the conversation I had with my manager this morning. No other manager has contacted me. I’m annoyed that random people in the office know my situation, feel like I’m being gossiped about. It seems like my manager has not done a proper handover about my situation to another manager (if he needed to that is?) but has been telling people why I’m not at work. It’s also clear that no one has contacted him for an update on me but are happy to contact me directly whilst I’m also on leave and grieving?

Do I respond to the text or ignore?

OP posts:

Cosycover · 26/09/2022 14:33

Very sorry for your loss.

The absolutely should not be texting you. Why they have taken it upon themselves to do so is beyond me.

I would respond with a simple 'why' and I'd let my manager know this person has been checking up on me.

Keyansier · 26/09/2022 14:35

What the fuck? Ignore the text and put in a complaint when you return. How dare someone who is non-management text you to see which manager is checking in with you. How is it any of their business?

I hope you're feeling okay. Concentrate on yourself and don't give any of these overbearing texts a second though.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/09/2022 14:35

Im so sorry for your loss OP.

If you spoke to your actual manager today, I would completely ignore the message from the non-manager. Even if you hadn't, you don't need to confirm that info to them - surely policy would be they check internally to make sure someone is responsible for keeping in touch with you!

Ponoka7 · 26/09/2022 14:35

I wouldn't answer why. I'd just put that you will deal directly with work and no one else needs to get involved. I'd be tempted to email HR. It's completely out of order.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 26/09/2022 14:36

Tell your manager that they have messaged you, tell them you are very annoyed about this and that you'd appreciate them telling everyone else not to message you. Tell the person who messaged you that you have kept your manager up to date and if they have any issues, to talk to them. They are probably looking for gossip anyway so hopefully your manager will shut it down

Travis1 · 26/09/2022 14:39

I wouldn’t respond. I assume this isnt someone you are close to? I may screenshot and send to HR.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 26/09/2022 14:42

Send to HR.

mtld · 26/09/2022 14:44

Are you sure they meant “checking in” in a work sense? Maybe they meant they’re just checking how you’re holding up?

Whatever their intentions, ignoring the message is fine. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you.

RebulahConundrum · 26/09/2022 14:49

Sounds more like they're concerned about you, or just want to let know they're thinking of you. Depends if they're a work friend or someone you hardly speak to though.

PragmaticWench · 26/09/2022 14:49

Completely ignore the text and note to yourself that the colleague has the diplomacy of a rhino.

Do mention it to your manager when you next speak with them.

Caroffee · 26/09/2022 14:52

Appalling. It's none of the colleague's business.

Hotandbothereds · 26/09/2022 14:53

Sorry for your loss OP.

Do you think your colleague might’ve been concerned that nobody in management had been in touch with you as your manager is on leave?

Unless you’ve asked for the reason you’re off to be entirely confidential I do think it’s quite common for teams to be told that someone is away from work due to a bereavement.

Original poster

200degrees · 26/09/2022 14:58

we are friendly but not close and never talk outside of work

If management needed to “check in” with me whilst he’s not here, my manager should have properly arranged that and let me know, and it shouldn’t be with this colleague.

i checked HR guidance and there’s nothing that says managers need to arrange a “checking in” meeting during compassionate leave so I am thinking wtf and worrying myself now. It might be different for sick leave but I am technically not taking that yet.

I am hesitant to contact my manager cause he was a bit confused that I called him today as he is on leave. It was a quick conversation that he was trying to end asap as he is not working this week.

OP posts:

BatsAtDawn · 26/09/2022 14:59

I'm really sorry for your loss.

It's possible your manager has done a handover, or confirmed no check ins are needed with their own manager/peer but this other colleague quite rightly hasn't been told that and took it upon themselves to message you. I'd be inclined to ignore it and go with whatever you agreed with you manager.

ShaneTwane · 26/09/2022 15:00

Op i am so sorry for your loss.

Please dont give this person any headspace until you are ready to come back and talk to your manager even if thats after sick leave.

No one has the right to contact you on compassionate leave and ask you work questions like that thats none of their business.

Sally872 · 26/09/2022 15:01

Sorry for your loss.

It is not their place to text or check on you if it was a colleague i considered a good friend I wouldn't mind, but if someone more distant it is really inappropriate. Definitely ignore.

I wouldnt think you are being gossiped about or that anyone knows anything as "hope you're ok" doesn't seem like they know reason you are off.

hugefanofcheese · 26/09/2022 15:03

So sorry for your loss. Try not to worry now as your manager has reassured you you don't need to do anything.

I would try and assume it was badly worded but unless it said clearly different (such as 'any ideas when you'll be back? Or asking a work related question) then it was meant as more of a personal 'checking in' to let you know you were in their thoughts rather than a work related one.

Perhaps they didn't know your manager or any regular colleagues had been in touch in his absence and didn't want you thinking nobody cared?

hugefanofcheese · 26/09/2022 15:03

But yes, fell free to ignore. No response needed here.

Original poster

200degrees · 26/09/2022 15:03

mtld · 26/09/2022 14:44

Are you sure they meant “checking in” in a work sense? Maybe they meant they’re just checking how you’re holding up?

Whatever their intentions, ignoring the message is fine. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you.

she messaged:

“Hey babe, just checking who is speaking to you (manager wise) whilst ManagerName is on leave”

then the 2nd text just said hope you’re okay. Felt like it was more of a “work request” vs checking how I am?

thank you all for the lovely messages

OP posts:

candycaneframe · 26/09/2022 15:06

@200degrees

So they were being nice, as expected.

You don't have to reply but it's a bit ott to be annoyed at someone reaching out being nice to you after suffering a loss.

Salome61 · 26/09/2022 15:06

I'm so very sorry to see your sad news. Ignore everything and anything from work and concentrate on you.

ShaneTwane · 26/09/2022 15:11

It does sound like maybe she doesn't know why you are off so might be that reason? Try and ignore it though, you dont need any additional stress right now 🌺

ElectedOnThursday · 26/09/2022 15:12

It sounds like your manager might have called the office after your conversation with him and said something like 200degrees called me while I’m on leave.Who is meant to be checking in with her? And this person took the call and tried to sort it out albeit clumsily.

Poor comms that have caused you distress. I’m so sorry for your enormous loss xx

Technosaurus · 26/09/2022 15:14

When my mum died I took 6 weeks off with delayed bereavement a few months after the event. Signed off by GP etc.

My manager 'checked in' with me every week at a designated time. It wasn't to talk about work particularly, it was to talk about me and what I might need when I did return. it was to presumably demonstrate they were taking things seriously from their side.

Not sure either of us got much out of it but it was "a thing" that HR encouraged so I can see why someone needs to do it while your Manager is away (although I don't think they should have been asking you. They could have found out without bothering you at all)

Suspect your current state of mind and the slightly ham fisted method of doing it via text message is making it sound worse than it is. Nothing to get angry about I'd say.

Aprilx · 26/09/2022 15:23

I am baffled by these responses. I only took it as a caring, well intentioned message from somebody who wanted to make sure you were alright (as alright as you possibly could be that is). If you don’t want to answer, then you don’t have to, but I don’t think you need be angry about it. I have not lost a husband but I have lost two siblings far too young and I would always appreciate someone taking the time to “check in” on me, i.e. ask if I am ok or need anything.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread