To be annoyed at text from colleague?

[200degrees]

My husband died 10 days ago. I am taking compassionate leave from work and my GP gave me a month fit note.

A non-management colleague just text messaged me asking which manager is “checking in with me” whilst my boss isn’t at work with a 2nd text “hope you’re okay” sent 20 minutes afterwards. The condolences felt insincere with the time gap between messages, but I am mainly annoyed as I have been off work for a total of 5 days so far - as part of my compassionate leave. My sick leave will start after this ends. I didn’t know my manager was on leave so actually called him and spoke to him this morning and he was like don’t worry about work at all. We spoke before this on Friday.

Therefore I don’t think anyone needs to be “checking in” with me, especially after the conversation I had with my manager this morning. No other manager has contacted me. I’m annoyed that random people in the office know my situation, feel like I’m being gossiped about. It seems like my manager has not done a proper handover about my situation to another manager (if he needed to that is?) but has been telling people why I’m not at work. It’s also clear that no one has contacted him for an update on me but are happy to contact me directly whilst I’m also on leave and grieving?

Do I respond to the text or ignore?

When my dad was very close to the end of life I took time off (GP signed me off sick). My line manager, French lady who was a bit annoyed at my absence, emailed me and asked me when I'd be back. I really wanted to reply "when my dad is dead and buried" but obviously didn't. I complained to another more senior manager in the UK and she got rebuked through HR.

Sorry for your loss OP.

My thought above is influenced by the fact that it's good HR practice never to disclose a reason for anyone's absence. So in theory your colleagues should^ have no idea what had happened until (and if) you give your permission to disclose it.

So sorry for your loss xxx

That’s really out of order of them! I’m annoyed on your behalf!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you were my colleague I'd want to make sure you had a point of contact for support if you needed it. Your colleague might have been well intentioned but badly worded it. Ignore!

Someone you work with who cares about you wouldn't say anything other than thinking of you/please let me know if I can help with anything. That's it. Not ask you questions like thus.

thank you all so much for your kind messages. I really needed to hear it. its all a bit shit right now and this doesn’t help.

Just going to ignore her. My manager will have a deputy covering in his absence that the office will be aware of, so she needs to direct her query to them instead. She really didn’t need to contact me directly like this and I feel pressured to reply/worried about what this “checking in” is about so I’ll raise it with my manager.

thats how i read it - asking who they should contact, in your absence, as your boss is also off.

by someone who doesn't know why you are off, and assuming you are just off sick maybe.

OP I’m sorry for your loss.

it was an inappropriate text from someone who had no business contacting you about work. There are appropriate channels in most businesses to deal with communications when someone is bereaved.

As pp said a text sending sympathy would be appropriate.

You do not need to give this anymore headspace. Don’t respond.

If they try again, respond with HR and management are maintaining my confidentiality so you will not be aware that we are communicating. No need for you to do anything.

So sorry for your loss OP.

No she shouldn’t be contacting you - I would screenshot and complain to HR when you’re back/ feel up to it.

It must be adding to the stress when that’s the last thing you need - to be hassled.

I hope you can switch off from work stuff and focus on yourself.

Even if your colleague had a legitimate work reason – what, I don’t know – to need to know who was managing you while you were off and your line manager was on holiday, they should be asking colleagues in work: “I have a query about X that usually I’d take to OP or OP Manager, who should I send that to?”

No reason on earth to text OP, whether colleague knew why OP was off or not.

Urgh, it feels like this colleague is trying to get some information (for whatever reason) but they absolutely should not be contacting you, unless they're a colleague who's also a friend and they're expressing love and concern.

You are right to be irritated by this. It's an intrusion. I would ignore completely.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Ignore it OP. They'll work it out.

So sorry for your loss. How awful. Sending hugs.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I too read that as more of a clumsy attempt to show compassion/care than work-related hassle, this idea of 'checking in' is quite popular right now in HR circles, the idea is frequent, informal, chatty contact with an employee away from the workplace on sick leave (or compassionate) leave demonstrates care for their wellbeing and helps them reintegrate back in, and there are definitely people out there that do welcome 'check ins' from managers or colleagues when they are going through tough times. I think (might be wrong) it's something mental health charities also recommend for family/friends going through mental health problems, to 'check in' regularly on them. It wouldn't necessarily be part of formal policy or something on the intranet, just part of basic good manners and compassion to contact someone regularly (if, and only if, of course they've indicated that would be helpful and welcome). Totally different from calling them in to formal absence management meeting which of course isn't appropriate for compassionate leave.

Giving your colleague the benefit of the doubt maybe she's heard about this kind of initiative or is herself the kind of person that likes 'check ins' and thought that you would be feeling abandoned or uncared for if no-one spoke to you while your main manager is off, hence the question about who is 'checking in'. Of course you know her better and maybe she is an interring biddy, either way if it's too much headspace to reply then just ignore.

Firstly - sincere condolences to you 💐

This is the message that you were sent:
"“Hey babe, just checking who is speaking to you (manager wise) whilst ManagerName is on leave"

I read it as
"Hey babe, just wondering who is is speaking to you (manager wise) whilst ManagerName is on leave"

If you felt the need to respond I'd go with
"Hi X, I'm currently on leave myself. No one is speaking to or with me whilst Manager Name is on leave. It's not my concern at the moment. I'm expecting to be back in the office on Y date and I'll liaise with my manager before then. Please don't disturb me while I'm on leave. Many thanks 200degrees"

I wondered if the colleague was off sick and had got wind that you were off but not why and perhaps was looking to see who would be contacting them .

To be perfectly honest that message wouldn't annoy me in the slightest and I'd take it in a nice/harmless way unless the colleague had form for being a twat.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you for your well wishes x

I am shocked that it’s normal for some of your employers to contact you when you’re on leave? That’s rough. I work in civil service in a relatively corporate environment and people on leave are not contacted at all, for any reason. (Obviously it’s different if you’re friends and not talking about work.) I’ll have a return to work conversation but now isn’t the time.

@maxelly aww that’s interesting. It’s not her job to do anything like that as she isn’t HR staff. For me, work can be very cliquey so I am happy not to hear from them! My manager is happy with minimal contact for the time being and as am I

I've worked places where the policy is to speak to an employee each week they are off, whether compassionate leave, sick leave etc. I think it's wrong when you have a sick note but seems fairly normal. And in the absence of a manager it would be deputised to someone else.

She sounds like a busybody who thinks she has more authority than she does.

id very honestly screen shot her message and send it to HR, cc in manager and say I received this message today. This is not in the employment handbook. I feel harassed.
Manager has been keeping touch, why am I being hounded by colleagues.

also how did she get hold of your number?

where I work it’s line manager and HR who would contact employees. Not some random jobsworth.

Interesting, I've worked in civil service too (in HR!) and it can be a little slow to adopt 'fashionable' HR trends which can be a good or a bad thing, or sometimes both! In my world at the moment the buzzwords are all about 'wellbeing', 'compassion', 'it's good to talk' and so on, which on the one hand is laudable but sometimes I think we're too quick to assume everyone is the same and not understand that what one person experiences as caring and compassionate is not at all the same for the next person, some people just want to be left totally alone on leave, some people want work to contact them to check in and so on. I certainly wouldn't have sent a text worded in that way at all but I can even see some of my colleagues doing it (HR people ironically enough not always the most emotionally intelligent!).

And of course sometimes people love to throw around the buzzwords but don't actually follow through so e.g. they seize on the latest trend, whether that's 'check ins' or 'wellbeing inititives' like walking meetings or whatever and think they're being super kind and a wonderful person by doing so but if they don't listen and consider what's actually right for their team members or colleagues, it can actually have the opposite effect and make people feel excluded or more anxious than before. Social media and in particular LinkedIn is particularly bad for this, people will post lots of thinly veiled boasts about what a wonderful manager or colleague they are by following XYZ latest trendy management 'thing' and everyone else feels guilted into following suit...

Difficult to know but sone colleagues I'd think they're after first hand gossip, others I'd assume it was their closeness to me.
If they're not close OP then either write back saying please don't contact me; or, let HR make contact as it's inappropriate whatever way you look at it as it's clearly work based, if anything she should raise it to a senior colleague.
Very sorry for your loss 🥺 this must be hard and you need space, not intrusions x

She may have been genuinely checking that work were taking your situation seriously and not just abandoning you. Or she may, of course, not know your circumstances and be nosey as to why you're off for so long - admittedly none of her business but I'm guessing she knows you or she wouldn't have your mobile number?
I wouldn't worry about it. In the whole scheme of things it can wait and isn't important.
I know when I was off work for a long time (car accident, various broken bones etc) I felt "harrassed" by the regular "checking in" as if I was making it up. I think it's protocol, to weed out the time wasters, especially if they're paying your sick leave (and it's not just SSP) but feels v unnecessary and intrusive when they have doctors' letters expressing exactly why you're not in work.
Sorry for your loss, OP. Block colleague and focus on what you've got to do to get through this time.

I would take checking in to me in a pastoral sense, because colleague didn’t want you to have been ignored and realised your manager was away. Them saying “hope you’re okay” makes it seem unlikely they know the exact circumstances of why you were off (as they would have said they were sorry for your loss). However it’s fine to ignore it and you should probably ask your manager to ask collegues to give you some time and space.

You are absolutely right to completely ignore and not respond to this text.

clearly she is prioritising work related things and acting as though you would be worrying about work. whereas in your position work is the last thing that should be on your mind. Work is on her mind because she is there and not on sick leave.

If the building burned down nobody needs to check in with you as you are off.

More so, she doesn’t need to know who or when management is checking in with you.

if you reply at all then she’ll think she has a right to further info such as when are you coming back etc.

just ignore it and she’ll get the message louder and clearer than any reply would.

so sorry for your loss and please try to focus on yourself and not work