To be annoyed at text from colleague?

[200degrees]

My husband died 10 days ago. I am taking compassionate leave from work and my GP gave me a month fit note.

A non-management colleague just text messaged me asking which manager is “checking in with me” whilst my boss isn’t at work with a 2nd text “hope you’re okay” sent 20 minutes afterwards. The condolences felt insincere with the time gap between messages, but I am mainly annoyed as I have been off work for a total of 5 days so far - as part of my compassionate leave. My sick leave will start after this ends. I didn’t know my manager was on leave so actually called him and spoke to him this morning and he was like don’t worry about work at all. We spoke before this on Friday.

Therefore I don’t think anyone needs to be “checking in” with me, especially after the conversation I had with my manager this morning. No other manager has contacted me. I’m annoyed that random people in the office know my situation, feel like I’m being gossiped about. It seems like my manager has not done a proper handover about my situation to another manager (if he needed to that is?) but has been telling people why I’m not at work. It’s also clear that no one has contacted him for an update on me but are happy to contact me directly whilst I’m also on leave and grieving?

Do I respond to the text or ignore?

I took it as the opposite, it's not her colleague's business who OP is checking in with and OP and the colleague are not close so she shouldn't be messaging her anyway.

This is MN, where people aren't friends with anyone, don't open their doors and think it's abhorrent for a colleague to be anything more than held at arms length

It was a hassly, unnecessary message.

Screenshot and send to HR and say you do not want to be contacted by anyone who isn’t directly managing you while you are off work.

If she’d texted ‘Thinking of you’ that would have been a nice friendly message. But she was questioning who was managing her, expecting a response about work issues which weren’t her concern and should never have been communicated.0

Erm what thread are you reading?

She asked which manager was checking in, not asking about work

Reading comprehension has gone out the window it seems

Yes, your reading comprehension 🙄

Being questioned ‘who is managing you right now’ is inappropriate here.

Good thing that's not what the colleague said then isn't it

They said which manager is checking in with you.

Read properly before replying - always handy

You obviously have a very blurry sense of nuance and tone in language?

And the OP found it intrusive but that’s irrelevant to you?

That doesn’t sound like a message from someone who knows your husband just died, unless she has previously sent condolences. I’d guess she thinks you’re off sick and doesn’t know about your bereavement

If you bothered to read the OPs update it gives been more context and definitely makes sense

Many workplaces have checking in processes for those off on leave. It's usually a manager having to do it, this colleague was being nice and asking who was checking in on the op whilst her manager was off.

But think about it a little more: the person who is now managing her should be the only one checking up about this. For this other colleague to check in about it felt intrusive and unnecessary to the OP.

I did read the update. Obviously you don’t see the issue, but like the OP (and other posters) I can see another side here.

I'm confused by this, so normally it would have been a specific manager, let's call them Jane. But because they can't be the point of contact right now, you're instead going to be in touch with Bob.

So how is this texter remotely involved in the scenario? They're not management, or your manager, so have no reason to be questioning things and no standing to be expecting you to respond to them, so why did they message you and ask this info that presumably has nothing to do with them?

It wasn't a kind, supportive 'we heard your news, I'm so sorry, we're thinking of you' message, it was a request for work related info, followed up later by a second-thought of a 'hope you're okay'.

Unless I'm misunderstanding and this texter is part of HR or something (even then, shouldn't be asking you this right now), I really don't get why they're asking or why they think they have any place in this. I would just ignore it. You're on compassionate leave, away from work, and then on sick, you're not available.

I understand how you're feeling (my DH died last year) but I think probably, it's just someone trying to do the right thing and make sure someone is keeping in touch while your manager is off. They might even have been asked to do it, if they're not of an appropriate grade, hence the clumsiness of it.

Don't think about it, you've got more than enough to think about.

^ This.

OP, I am so very for your loss.

Your grief right now must be unimaginable, and nobody will be able to understand it.

It sounds like your colleague has been clumsy rather than anything else and with something as significant as the passing of a spouse, depending on the size of your office, it may well have got round that way. You don’t know for certain your manager has told others, not indeed that your are being gossiped about.

Put it out of your mind. In the grand scheme of things, it’s inconsequential really what they think or so right now. You have to make sure that you are ok.

Once again, I am so very sorry for your loss

💐

So sorry for your loss.

I was off on long term sick once and a colleague (non managerial, not someone I am overly close to) messaged me to ask “which member of the senior management team was dealing with me whislt I was off”

she had no clue why I was off just that it was long term sick, she didn’t need to know and it didn’t impact her role at all by me not being their.

i didn’t respond but sent images of the message to hr and advised o didn’t approached the contact (as it came form a work phone it felt like a work message) hr were straight on it and spoke to her, as there are strict rules about “work” contact when you are off work

Hassly is the best way to explain it. Work doesn’t “check in” during compassionate leave (according to the intranet). You take your approved days then return like annual leave. I haven’t returned yet, but my compassionate leave hasn’t even ended.

Doubt this text was triggered by my manager saying I called him. I called to make him aware I wouldn’t be at work. He said he knows, do not worry about work and he will speak to me when he’s back next week. He didn’t say anyone from work would contact me. If he didn’t do a handover with another manager, he didn’t think it was necessary. It’s not outlined in guidance.

I don’t know why this colleague thinks a check in is necessary. I don’t think she is looking out for me because being bothered with work-related things whilst suffering from a bereavement just makes me feel a bit annoyed. She’s asking the question and expecting a response. If she only messaged “hope you’re okay” that would have been different.

I'm sorry for your loss, it must feel very raw right now and the last thing you need is to be worrying about work.

I read it slightly differently - is it possible your colleague is trying to work out who to send something to in your boss's absence? Maybe she knows you're on leave but not the nature of it, hence why her messages weren't very sensitive.

Regardless, you don't want to be bothered by work right now. I'd ignore the message and next time you speak to your manager, ask them to make sure nobody else tries to get in touch.

Take care of yourself.

💐

This has made me angry for you and I can imagine it happening in my inept organisation too.

I would ignore and raise it with your manager when they're back from leave and, perhaps more importantly, when you want to.

They sound nosy/ irritating and best ignored. Look after yourself at this awful awful time and do your best not to think about work although this person has already messed that up.

@candycaneframe you are making a lot of false assumptions here. The person who messaged me is not a manager and doesn’t need to know “who is checking in with me”. Bluntly, no one needs to check in with me.

If this colleague was a manager, she would be aware of that. If she was a manager, she wouldn’t need to ask as she would have been made aware what any arrangements are. My point is, this isn’t standard procedure at my office so stop acting like it is.

I wouldn't respond to that message myself. I am sorry for your loss.

People say the strangest things when someone is going through bereavement. Unfortunately you will likely endure many “wtf” conversations.

Hopefully they were just aware your manager was off and wanted to make sure someone was checking in, but hard to say.

So sorry for your loss.

I understand the anger Aprilx, when my husband died I was very angry at the world, my whole future had changed overnight.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position, things must seem incredibly overwhelming and thinking about work must be the last thing you want to do.

Is it at all possible that your colleague isn't aware of what has happened?
A possible scenario might be that she knows that you're off (but no idea why), has a query (for example) that she would usually run by you and needs handover info from the manager who is your point of contact... "Hope you're ok" is very generic and covers all sorts of scenarios, so would seem sensible(ish) wording if someone has no clue why you're absent... just a thought.