do you think a school bully can end up as a good adult friend?

[northernlurker85]

hello. genuinely interested in your thoughts here. i had a friend request from a person we all hated at school this was over 20 years ago. i am happy to forgive and forget as we were both very different people,nothing more than kids but do you think people like that can change?

Yes of course they can. I know I am not the same person I was as a child.

You all hated her? And she was the bully?

“a person we all hated at school this was over 20 years ago. i am happy to forgive and forget”

Were you the bully or was it the person who reached out?

I think if a child is a bully, then chances are something has gone terribly wrong in their life. Of course they can change but they may not be aware of the suffering they caused

Quite possibly. I never bullied anybody but I was incredibly shallow at school. I paid the price for that when my perfect on the outside bf was abusive. I have learnt so much. Still learning, still recovering, so interested in psychology and people and why we do what we do and there's usually a reason. Why would I believe that ''I alone'' could self-reflect and grow.

I do, yeah. I wouldn’t personally be letting them be a ‘good’ friend to me but I believe people can change significantly.

I know I’m nothing like I used to be. In some ways I’m better, in others I’m far worse. My fundamental personality was based on difficulties I had as a kid and the person I thought I had to be to fit into my family and my friendship group. I’m not that person now.

I don't agree with the "of course" response. I'm not sure that a bully with a real appreciation of what they've done would make that comment.
If a child pulls wings off flies, don't get the adult a pet dog.

Yes I'm now casual friends with a girl who bullied me. It was never serious and only ever words but I see now she had a hard time herself (she never showed it at the time) and has struggled with things that I have as an adult.

What evidence do you have that they have changed?
I recently heard about someone in this position who was goaded into an argument, screen shots were taken by the 'ex' bully and posted on social media along with a sob story.

…

Absolutely not, these school bully type people tend to forget all the misery they caused and like top don’t themselves in a good light. Avoid, avoid, avoid!

It’s a nope from me. I was horrifically bullied in primary school, no way that individual was ever going to be on my level. For better or worse you reap what you sow

Yes people can change. Some school bullies were very unhappy and insecure people. If they realise their behaviour was wrong and are genuinely sorry for it then they shouldn't be forever tarnished by the way they behaved as an unhappy or misguided child or teenager.

Up to you if you want to give time of day to a nasty, vile person. You must have a lot of time to give.

I seriously doubt these people genuinely get what they've done, or care. They downplay it. And I don't buy them having suffered trauma in early childhood either. Obviously, some will have. But a lot of these people are Alpha girls getting a kick out of doing as much harm as they can to someone.

Depends. If they can recognise and apologise for the hurt they have caused, and have processed and dealt with whatever trauma sent them down that path in the first place, and have learned healthier ways to interact now, then yes possibly. I wouldn't be holding a grudge, but it might be healthier for them to make new friends who don't have memories of their bullying days.

If they were a bully in general or bullied me directly - the answer to that would depend on my view. But yes people do change, especially when they have children themselves

It's o my a friend request. I'd accept it for nosiness purposes. If she posts crap, or never comments anything worthwhile on your posts, or tries to dm you, unfriend.

*only

I think you’re confusing ‘friend request on social media’ with actual friendship. All this person has done is asked to be added. It’s not any kind of significant gesture.

This person doesn't want to be your friend. They probably want you to accept them as a Facebook friend so they can tell themselves and maybe others that what they did at school was insignificant. And if you're considering accepting their request, then the bullying probably was at the lower end, or maybe it was directed at others more than at you.

I probably wouldn’t be friends with my bully, certainly not on Facebook as it’s meaningless. (I ignored Facebook friends request from her). I do think that as adults we can recognise why they might have behaved that way and gain a bit more understanding. The girl who was absolutely vile to me at school lost her mum as a teenager. I didn’t know this until years later but it explains a lot and I do feel really sorry for her. She ended up with a less than desirable life from what I can tell. Having said that I also had a really turbulent childhood including losing a parent and I wasn’t a twat to others. So whilst I had sympathy I wasn’t going to extend it to Facebook friends when our real life paths didn’t need to cross, despite living in close proximity to her as an adult. I do think it depends on the situation and I do think people can change.

Personally I would not accept the request. Why does this person, who clearly hasn't been a positive part of your life (or any part of your life) between school and the present say, need to "friend you" online? I'd be worried they actually wanted to just have a snoop and see how you turned out.

The people that bullied me in school are of no interest to me and nor would I want them having any access to information about my adult life. They may be the nicest people ever now, but I have no need to link with them online or in person.

I think in OPs situation it depends if you think they actually want to befriend you, perhaps apologise (assuming they were the bully- your post isn't actually clear about this) and make amends or if they've just seen you as a friend suggestion and are curious.

thanks all. i am now a very well rounded adult lol. i went to a bording school and i had no contact at all in the years since with this person. we all went our separate ways. but i sometimes think its easy to brand people when they are kids and when you don't know what happened to them and just believe they can never change for the better.

This happened to me a few years back. I ignored the friend request - why on earth would I want to waste time pretending to be friends with someone who was horrible to me? I googled her a few years later and she was part of a high profile domestic violence case, apparently very materially successful but was hiding a miserable life. It didn't really make me have mich sympathy though. So she probably suffered a lot of childhood trauma. So did I - it was doubtless the abuse I suffered at home that made me such an easy target at school. The difference is I didn't try to take it out on anyone else.