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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you think a school bully can end up as a good adult friend?

110 replies

northernlurker85 · 25/09/2022 20:28

hello. genuinely interested in your thoughts here. i had a friend request from a person we all hated at school this was over 20 years ago. i am happy to forgive and forget as we were both very different people,nothing more than kids but do you think people like that can change?

OP posts:
oopsfellover · 25/09/2022 23:41

I don’t know generally whether a bully can turn into a friend. They probably can become nice people in many cases. I don’t, however, see the value in accepting this particular friend request. You’ve said that the person was horrible and ruined your education. What’s in it for you now?

ddl1 · 26/09/2022 00:04

Yes. Depends to some extent on how serious the bullying was, but people can and do change.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/09/2022 00:08

Sure but I wouldn’t actively accept a friend request from someone who bullied you. They aren’t a friend so why would you?

TooMuchTimeOnMN · 26/09/2022 00:13

I worked with someone that went on to marry their old school bully after meeting again several years later. They seemed really happy but not sure I could have gone there.

meatballsoup · 26/09/2022 00:14

Yes they absolutely can. My school bully is now my sister in law. It was very comfortable for the 1st few years but now we get on great. She's one of my closest friends and a great auntie to my kids.

meatballsoup · 26/09/2022 00:15
  • uncomfortable for the 1st few years!
DimplesToadfoot · 26/09/2022 00:27

My school bullies held me down while another raped me, I went home and took an overdose thst night, It wasn't a cry for help, I wanted to die, my biggest regret in life is failing to die that day. I spent a few weeks in hospital when I got out I was sent back to the school where the same kids found me and pinned me down, they were going to rape me again but I was on my period, so they pulled out my tampon and forced me to eat it, A passing lorry driver stopped me from jumping off a motor way bridge .... I can't think of 1 reason why I would want to friends with them or the 60+ kids that circled us chanting. I guess when the nightmares stop I might think about forgiving them but friends? Not a cat in hells chance.

Tobletone · 26/09/2022 00:30

@DimplesToadfoot I'm so sorry.

SammyScrounge · 26/09/2022 01:09

Redbone · 25/09/2022 21:33

Sad to say NO, once a bully always a bully.

Agreed. They will change tactics but the bully will always be there.

pawkins · 26/09/2022 01:27

I wouldn't accept a friend's request from them and tbh I wouldn't assume they had changed.
My DC is currently being bullied. I am tired of making excuses for the child who is bullying mine. The child lives in a huge house, lots of money, involved parents, - the problem lies with her being very spoilt and a little shit.

Joshanddonna · 26/09/2022 01:54

The girl who made my life utterly miserable at school and often beat up other girls is now a local yoga teacher and therapist.
She approached me in the supermarket with a big grin on her face. I let her prattle on a bit about the good old days then reminded her about what an unpleasant, vile, cruel, violent bitch she had been and told her to f**k off. It was delightful. I also looked fabulous. ( unusually) because I’d come back from holiday the day before and spent the morning at the hairdressers getting me highlights and nails done!
I don’t care what kind of person she is now she was appalling.

Joshanddonna · 26/09/2022 01:55

@DimplesToadfoot I’m so very sorry x

Echobelly · 26/09/2022 01:59

TBF, this is only a friend request - they're not likely to come back to make your life hell. But yes, people who were bullies as kids can be (and I think usually are) decent adults.

CherryGenoa · 26/09/2022 02:14

@DimplesToadfoot 💐

BadNomad · 26/09/2022 02:44

A number of years ago, when I got Facebook for the first time, my childhood bully sent me a friend request. I accepted it, thinking "we were kids, the past is in the past". Then she blocked me that very same day, and so did her pals who had also added me! For that moment, it was like being back in school. Some people just never grow out of being nasty.

In your case, I would probably accept out of curiosity, but I wouldn't get involved in any friendship.

Original poster
northernlurker85 · 26/09/2022 04:19

hi all. just to answer a question about how long i knew this person. we went through secondary together. from year 7 right up to 6th form it happened. what i think is its easy as a kid to see life very black and white. you don't know what happened to them as its all rightly kept confidential. maybe he was hitting out. he didn't pick on those who would fight back, it was always the sensitive kids who would get upset by him. we did talk on fb and it was like talking to a different person and how can i be resentful towards a person who i knew in literally a different lifetime? i don't see how you can move forwards if your holding resentment towards things that happened in your past? easy said than done i know.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 26/09/2022 04:52

I met our class bully a few times. She was one of the popular girls and was mean to so many people that my brother used to ask about her- even though he was years ahead and in another school he’d heard of her. She’s now in a caring profession and has the loveliest husband and daughter and every time I talk to her I’m trying not to let my jaw drop. Cannot believe it

Eastie77Returns · 26/09/2022 05:26

I don’t know how far people really change. A child bully may present as a pleasant adult later in life because they’ve learned how to conceal the darker side of their personality when needed. I personally think bullying is an innate part of someone’s personality and not sure I buy into the theory that it’s usually connected to the individual suffering some kind of trauma.

I bumped into our vile class bully in sad circumstances as we were both attending the funeral of an old classmate. She had apparently undergone a transformation, turned into a nice person and worked as a nurse. Our local Gazette had actually given her a community award. We chatted for a while and to begin with it was fine but she then began making awful comments about some of our mutual friends (“I heard x has a disabled son, serves her right as I never liked her haha”) and off came the nice mask to be replaced by the vicious bully I remembered.

autienotnaughty · 26/09/2022 05:57

A reach out to apologise I would accept although I doubt I would be friends with them. A friend request seems dismissive of your experience, I'd ignore it.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 26/09/2022 06:01

I personally wouldn't accept the request unless you live in a remote hamlet of 10 people, 6 of which are children, your school bully is one of the only three other adults and so you're THAT short of friends.

There are so many other people in the world. Even if he has changed...eh...what's the point in dragging all that trauma up.

Mothership4two · 26/09/2022 06:14

I ignored a friend request from the school bully. She didn't bully me but made many others miserable (many of them boarders who couldn't get away). One friend had nightmares about her for several years after leaving school. She may have had personal reasons for being like that and may be an absolute angel now, I don't care, I would rather not have any contact with someone who did that.

FourTeaFallOut · 26/09/2022 06:23

Honestly? I can't imagine why you'd bother. What are you going to get out of this friendship?

Do yourself a favour and keep him out of your life. Honour your younger self and close down the opportunity for him to have another shot at eroding your self esteem.

tranquiltortoise · 26/09/2022 06:38

People can change, especially in the transition from children to adults - we learn a lot about the world.

However, bullying has such a deep impact and I would wonder whether you could really have a friendship with someone who bullied you at school, because of the emotional trauma.

I certainly couldn't because I would still have residual negative feelings, however much they had changed.

RememberWhatMatters · 26/09/2022 06:41

My school bully did the same, her and her co-bully bullied me on my final year of primary school and made me terrified what they'd do to me when I reached high school. The physical bullying stopped suddenly when my dad went to her door, where he discovered her mum was a co worker of his. She was mortified. Lots of excuses , her dad had left. 11 year old me didn't care, I just wanted it to stop.

She still made herself a nuisance to me at high school.
Years later I was visiting a friend in hospital and there she was, a nurse. She at least had the decency to look embarrassed to see me and got out of my way. That's when she then sent me a FB request. Why do they all do that?
I have no idea if she's still a nasty, violent person but I don't care. I wouldn't engage with her, those years were so frightening. I would have no urge to have any contact or conversation to find out.

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 26/09/2022 06:42

I was horribly bullied by someone at school. I won’t hijack your thread with the details but no way would I have been able to be friends with her. I would be wondering if she actually wanted to be my friend or whether she was reaching out just to make herself feel better about the past.