do you think a school bully can end up as a good adult friend?

[northernlurker85]

hello. genuinely interested in your thoughts here. i had a friend request from a person we all hated at school this was over 20 years ago. i am happy to forgive and forget as we were both very different people,nothing more than kids but do you think people like that can change?

No, I would absolutely be discouraging DD to have any form of any future relationship with the bullying gang who made her life hell, that caused major disruption to our family life, that we had to change schools for.

@DimplesToadfoot 💐

I believe people can change definitely, your brain doesn’t fully mature till you are 25 and you never know whats going on with someone else. BUT some people are genuinely just giant arseholes. I wouldn’t want to be their friend tbh.

these responses are very interesting. and I am so sorry some of you have had such horrific experiences at the hands of school bullies. i know this sounds all a bit hippy but the 37 year old me kind of looks back at all that in very much a different way now. he taught me a lot about myself in the respect that no way would I ever let myself or anyone else i knew be the victim of bullying and would hapily stand up against such vile people without a care what the consequences may be for me moving forwards. where as back then i just as a 14 15 year old just went straight to teachers instad of trying to stand up for myself.

I'm sure people can and do change for the better or worse.

I came face to face with my school bully, when they joined a club I'm a member of.

Their excuse was "Don't take any notice of what I did, I was a prick at school". Told them as far as I was concerned, once a prick always a prick.

I certainly didn't want anything to do with a person that made my life hell, before they got kicked out, no matter how long ago it was.

The way I see it there is a huge gap between forgiveness for behaviour that may have been due to personal circumstances and the pressurised school environment and allowing that person back into your life. I would work on forgiving them as it can turn into a toxic part of yourself and cause you distress but that forgiveness doesn’t need to be communicated. I wouldn’t accept a friend request. If the person was in some way connected to my social circle then I might take baby steps in allowing them in the periphery but there seems to be no benefit to either party in such cases as yours.

I couldnt be friends with any of my bullies.i dont forgive and forget though and I'm quite a bitter person.

No - unless they actively show remorse and sort of 'confess' their crimes.

Children are uninhibited forms of ourselves and I think bullies learn to behave more acceptably, but are fundamentally the same people. They'd have to be very humble indeed for me to contemplate a relationship with a school bully.

I used to say to my daughter 'if you don't like someone, OK, but there's no need to be mean - just keep away from them.' Hasten to add - she was NOT a bully herself, but witnessed a lot of it and couldn't understand it.

They are a special sort of person who actively enjoy inflicting pain.

I also doubt that many people change fundamentally. Bullying doesn't just happen at school. It's rife in all areas of life, in particular at work. The bullies at work are probably the people who were bullies at school. It's about status, popularity, the enjoyment of power. People who say they're sorry are highly unlikely to understand or to care about the effect they had on that person. It's just shallow words by someone who hasn't examined what they did and why.

I think you should show a bit of respect and understanding of those "sensitive" and defenseless children this person went for. He's looking for people to tell him that what he did was ok, just something young boys do, doesn't affect their opinion of him. I don't think you should give him that, no.

I honestly don't think people change that much. Their relationships, their trappings? Sure. But essentially who they are, no. I would trust your instinct.

It's only a Facebook friend request. It's really not that deep - it's not like she's asking you to actually be real-life friends with her. If you haven't seen for 20 years and actively disliked her even back then, it's perfectly reasonable not to accept the friend request. But it won't be remotely significant if you do accept it. It's a Facebook friend request, not a dinner invite.

I suspect what you're really asking is 'AIBU to accept a friend request from someone I was never actually real friends with and who I haven't seen for 20 years, just out of curiosity so I can a good old nose at what she's up to these days?' in which case YANBU, that's pretty normal on Facebook.

This.

Bullies don't reach out to you after all this time because they regret what they did to you. They do it for themselves. To make themselves feel better. So they can say "Well, if northernlurker85 is ok with me, then I can't be that bad."
It's extremely selfish and narcissistic to think you have the right to insert yourself into someone's life after this length of time because you want forgiveness or to be excused from the damage you caused to others.

@tobletone i do totally have respect for those children because i was one of them. a lot were too scared to speak out against it. and it really is easier said than done when your in that situation but if you let it affect the rest of your life,that bully has won. i messed up my education because i let it all get to me. but its the future now you learn so much as you get older,you change in so many ways.

I do think people can change. I do think a school bully can be a good friend. But I can't see a time when a person who bullied me in school would be my good friend. While I have largely forgiven what happened to me at school I can't forget the anxiety and dread I felt going there most days.

DimplesToadfoot
Have you had help since? Is there good in your life? I hope you’ve met people who have convinced you there’s some good somewhere x

Whilst I do think people can change, I don't think most people do. Most people mature a bit, but I think most people are fundamentally the same person as they were at school, with the same beliefs and values. I know I am the same, just a little more confident and outgoing. (Which I put down to not being bullied every day,and being surrounded instead by people who like me enough to be around me!)

I would never make friends with my bullies, I dropped all school people at the age of 18, and although I may sometimes bump into them when at my parents home town, I would not take the relationship beyond polite small talk.

I think I have forgiven them, but would never trust them. 'We were just kids' is no excuse.

I have a really close friend who was my sworn enemy at one point at school. We were quite mean to each other. We then got chatting at a party and realised we loved each other and have been really good friends ever since. So I do think it can happen. Depends on how bad the bullying was though I think

No cos people that were bullied never forget. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that she was old enough to know what she was doing.

Absolutely they can change IME.

There was a bully in my school who we were all terrified of. She turned up at my sixth form college after I hadn't seen her for years and was the sweetest person - I literally couldn't believe it. She was incredibly apologetic about being a bully.

I agree it's just in people

Certain ones no. There's always bitchiness between teenage girls, but fallings out return to friendships in school, and stay friends outside. But the actual bullies who you never got on with? Nope. I wouldn't ever be friends with people like that, they aren't worth my time.

A bully is a bully IMO. I’d ignore the bully as an adult. It’s not really about forgiveness/resentment, it’s about self protection.

This!

A lot of people literally add everyone they can find they went to school with.

The chance of this person wanting to reach out and talk to you are very, very low.

No.
I'm sure there are a few who have a personality transplant but I don't think most people do change all that much.

The basic person you were as a child - the strongest parts of your personality - are normally the same. What happens more often than a personality change is the ability to hide those parts of you that you use to hurt others and refine them so they can be deployed in a far less noticeable way. Or, best case scenario, recognise them as unacceptable and fight them. But I don't think they routinely disappear. I think the core of you is how it always was.

Several years ago I bumped into the 'school bully' down the pub when I returned to my old home town to see my folks. Although I only had a few runs ins with the younger version of this man and his gang he made other peoples lives an utter misery. It was interesting listening to him reminisce about school, seemingly completely oblivious to the pain he had caused so many people. He seemed like a normal guy, professional job, mortgage, wife and kids, you would not suspect what a malicious shit he was as a teenager. I felt a bit awkward talking to him while he was being all jovial about the good old days. He started asking questions about who I was still in touch with from school, I mentioned several names, some of them being the people he bullied and there was not a flicker of remorse. As I made my excuses to leave he made noises about some kind reunion drinks at which point I did challenge him as to why would any of his victims want to meet him? The smile dropped off his face, not sure if that was a penny dropping moment of genuine realisation of what he had done or not.