do you think a school bully can end up as a good adult friend?

[northernlurker85]

hello. genuinely interested in your thoughts here. i had a friend request from a person we all hated at school this was over 20 years ago. i am happy to forgive and forget as we were both very different people,nothing more than kids but do you think people like that can change?

If everyone at your primary school hated this person, that's not a typical bully scenario. Just from that sentence I'd guess that it was the widely hated person who was the victim of group bullying. It doesn't sound as though you were necessarily singled out and picked on by this person. Perhaps that's why you've recovered so well.

Yes. I am friends with a girl who was awful to me at school. Really nasty. We bumped into each other in the park when our DC were small. She literally ran up to me, hugged me and told me how sorry she was. Unbeknownst to me, she’d had a really shitty time, incl some abuse. She’s actually a lovely lovely person and a fab mum. Her teenage self just couldn’t deal with her life at that time and that’s how she expressed it.

I was not a bully but I’d hate to be judged now, at 40, for the massive twat I was at 14. Saying that, obviously all circumstances are different and I’d prob be wary of a social media request tbh. This was a spontaneous chance meeting and I’m really glad it happened. I think @Psychopomps says it well.

Sad to say NO, once a bully always a bully.

I met someone who tried to bully me often at school, tried to start fights and was physically threatening. Very tall girl and quite scary. She’d trip me in corridors, take swings at me and even threatened to cut me up.

As adults I was taller than her and she’d matured into a different person, we had a pleasant chat and I’d see her again. I think to be that angry and violent something, in retrospect, must have really been going wrong in her life. Maybe I, as a clearly secure and loved child, provoked a jealousy I didn’t understand at the time? The adult her was so different, and she clearly had bounced back as a good mum from a tough start from what I saw. I didn’t force the point but she clearly was a bit embarrassed to see me.

I think I’d likely respond . I always teach our DC that anyone unkind is often unhappy deep down and it’s important to rise above it and just be a good person. I got in touch with a girl I boarded with aged 8 and it was quite cathartic and to know she’s ok (in my case I felt guilt I hadn’t looked after her more but I was so young and struggling myself. And it turned out she immediately thanked me for being so kind to her so I guess recollections on events can vary too!)

I think it depends. I was bullied at school both ongoing by one girl, who I would never want to see again, and casually by some others in my form in year 7 who I would say jumped on the bandwagon - these I could.

In fact when we got into year 11 I was quite friendly with one of them and plucked up the courage to ask her if she remembered saying she hated me in year 7, and why she said it. (This was not the only occasion) She couldn't remember it at all and was mortified. Showed how what was a flyaway comment to her was so hurtful to me but we got past it.

People can change but I wouldn’t be letting any of the people who bullied me at school see anything about me now. I’d just have no interest to know about them or them see what I’m up to. I don’t hate them or anything, I’m over it, but they’re not my friends, I just say no.

To the people saying, be kind etc. What if you are still frightened of your bully and want to keep away from them??? I cannot make myself be 'unfrightened' of them!!!!

I know bullies can't beat you up but can be very smart and hurtful.

I would be afraid to be friends with them. They could make hurtful comments under the guise of a joke. I know people change etc but it is better for them to make friends with new people who did not know them years ago and are not wary of them.

I'm guessing that someone who talks about "rising above it" has never experienced or even witnessed bad bullying. It's not just a bit of name calling. Try reading some of the bullying threads on here. Serious bullying can devastate lives.

I had a terrible bully when I was young: she truly lashed out at random and would cycle through main targets week to week. During a school year, her parents were involved in a murder suicide in front of her and her sister. After that, the bullying turned into a very withdrawn young girl. That was a shocking wake up call to me about cause and effect.

YEARS later she sent me a friend request: She looked happy and had a young, grinning son. People can live many lifetimes within just one. If you instinctually want to remain guarded, that’s understandable and I wouldn’t judge you, but I also don’t think it hurts to give people a chance. Maybe she’s cool now, maybe she’s not, but either way, you may learn something from finding out.

I was always able to look after myself at school but I couldn’t be friends with somebody I knew bullied others.

Not true. I had a girl at school try to bully me. I was scared of her. She was well liked but hated me 😵
She never quite bullied me because I used to say "are you a bully now?" and really label it. She was popular and enjoyed being well liked. She thought I was square, and weak. Half right maybe.

I have experienced two adult bullies and it's still my goal to get to a place where I don't care anymore. Is that not common sense, wanting to feel Not hurt by it any more?
I think setting that goal as a clear intention helps. It's not a magic wand but it gets you there.

I don’t think people really change.

I would always be suspicious. Ime lots of bullies do it because they enjoy it. I have lots of friends now (unlike when I was bullied), so why would I pick a former bully?!

What is the upside for you accepting the request? I think I would pro/con it, including if u feel comfortable with this person having access to you life details, if you actively update your fb account.

Of course people can change from when they're a kid.

I wouldn't be friends with them though. What are you gaining from it?

thanks all. we are both guys. he ruined most of my secondary education really, i scraped by with minimal exam success. the problem was i was a very sensitive child. he didn't attack me violently but it was all verbally. i matured much later in life really compared to the others due to having a very overprotective but loving family and parents always taught me to tell a teacher rather than deal myself with the bully. certain comments would often set me off getting angry. it was all little comments whhich they knew flict a switch. but after 20 years i can't help feeling that its so far in the past that despite the damage it did at the time how can i be angry and bitter towards a person who was like me a very different person as a teenager? thanks for all thes comments off to bed now but will check back later. i value all your thoughts/questions here.

I think people can change and it’s possible this person has done a lot of soul searching and now feels real remorse.

The question really is why would you bother letting someone back into your life who had treated you that way.

Someone who bullied me (fairly mildly) at secondary school is now a friend of a friend and has made friendly overtures to me socially. I am sure it’s genuinely meant but I can’t be arsed with it really.

I’m binary about this sort of thing. Once someone has treated me badly it’s like a switch has been flicked. I find it impossible to come back from it. Life is too short to readmit people who have gone out of their way to hurt you.

Giving some people a second chance is like giving them a bullet because they missed the first time.

Unless he opened with an apology why risk it?

I was horrifically bullied through primary & secondary by the same girl.

We are now in our 40’s and a few years she friend requested and messaged me on Facebook to see if I wanted to meet up for coffee as we ended up living quite close.

I never replied. The bullying was relentless for years and really damaged my self esteem for so long. I don’t care if she had changed, my memories hadn’t.
She is now disabled, I’m not sure how/in what way, but no amour of suffering could make me feel in the slightest bit sorry for her.

You’re wise to let go of any anger or bitterness, but I would just ignore the request and move on with your life.

People change and grow. We’ve all done/said things we aren’t proud of and bullying behaviour normally stems from an unhappy life. It’s been 20years.

I think it depends on the bullying itself. Was it a few horrible words or are we talking actively making someone's life hell for years?

I think if it's the latter then absolutely not. I wasn't bullied but I saw/heard a lot of bullying happening in my school. I think the 90s was fucking brutal for it.

I’m now good friends with someone who bullied me at school, but when we were very young. I’d probably find it harder if it had been when I was a teenager, but it’s hard to hold something someone did under ten against them as a grown adult 😂 As an adult she’s a lovely, thoughtful person.

Some reasons why teenagers bully - most of these reasons are not related to the bully coming from an abusive home:
www.verywellfamily.com/reasons-why-teens-bully-others-460532