Wedding plus one

So, according to some MNers, brides and grooms are rude and selfish if everyone invited doesn't get a plus one? Got it.

I'm assuming these same posters are the ones who get mightily offended if:

The location doesn't suit them.

The wedding doesn't include a free bar and canapés.

There isn't entertainment put on for the photography bit.

It's child-free.

There's evening guests - they should be there all day, its rude otherwise

Did I get all the usual posters "I wouldn't go myself" wedding grievances? 😅

Meanwhile, in the real world, planning a wedding is pretty challenging.

I'm wondering if these posters, with infinite budgets and incredibly high expectations of others, ever had to compromise on anything themselves?

For most people, there's a finite amount of wedding day money to play with so, you may decide to not invite some randoms as plus ones so you can make room for the plus ones and children of guests you are closer to/coming from a distance.

Maybe you have to say no to the casino/photo booth/close up magician/stripper/children's entertainer so you can put some money behind the bar or make sure there's enough food for the evening guests.

Maybe you have evening guests because, as much as you like everybody, you can't afford to feed and water everyone you'd like to celebrate with.

Maybe you just want an intimate wedding ceremony to make your intimate vowels witnessed by those you know well.

Maybe you didn't spend stupid amounts of money on a dress you'll wear once or probably not all day - or have bridesmaids - so you could afford the DJ or the cake or all the other over-priced bits and pieces that will hopefully make the day more enjoyable for the people you have invited.

Ask me how I know! 😆

Some people on this thread, including the original poster, have forgotten that a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation. A wedding is not about all the daft/changing etiquette around the day itself, its about the ritual of serious commitment between two people. If you don't want to show up for that - or find it all too much (socially, financially) - thats of course fine, don't go. Just have the good grace not to be a dick about it.

you dont get to treat people like shit just because your getting married.

Somewhat hyperbolic, no ?

Unless you are projecting, or reading a completely different thread from me, no-one is being treated "like shit".

A long standing friend is getting married and having a small and intimate ceremony and meal. The couple have invited the OP to join them. Most people would consider that a privilege and be touched that, despite the fact only a few people are going to be at this ceremony and meal, they have still been included.

I would be touched. I would feel quite honoured. I would happily go and witness my friend being married, without dh, and we've been together over 30 years, not barely a year. Of course, most friends I've known that long, I would also have met said friend's close family and potentially other close friends, but even if I knew no-one, as an adult I am perfectly capable of chatting to people I don't know at such a lovely occasion.

If, however I couldn't (and you wonder how the OP managed before meeting he partner last year??), then I would graciously thank friend for the invitation but say I wasn't able to attend.

Some people do have an odd, angry outlook on the world.

Weddings take months to years to plan, now it might seem like you have an 'established' relationship, but you definitely didn't when they started planning numbers.

Definitely don't offer, if she wanted to invite him she would have..
Is it the case there'll be other friends there you know and you'll be fine on your own?
If that is the case it wouldn't bother me at all..

Second what kite22 said

Okay I've read more now. You're doing a speech that's crazy and she won't let you bring your partner..is it because you've only been going out a year? That would kind of make sense..could you ask her, it might help you to figure it out...

This made me double take.
If my partner ever suggested delaying the start of our marriage (a wedding is just a day, remember) by 6minths or a year just so that guests could have a plus one, I would seriously be reconsidering marriage to this person.
I know that sounds drastic but I think it genuinely says a lot about the way you view a wedding and whether it is about the two of you starting a marriage together and those close to you celebrating that with you via a party, or it is predominantly about the party itself and keeping up appearances and being a good "host". It is just a day to celebrate the start of something else. Yes be a good host within reason, but why on earth prioritise that over starting off a marriage?!

I really hope you meant you would still get married when you wanted, but would maybe have a big celebration a year later, as a sort of anniversary...but I doubt that's what you meant.

This comment a million times with bells on!!

Your close friend is getting married and has asked you to be part of it and even give a speech. And somehow you've made this about you and your boyfriend and feeling snubbed?

Why are people being so dismissive because they have only been together a year?
They have moved in together that's more than a passing acquaintance.

DH and I were married after 18mths together. In our 30s and wanted a family so didn't really have time to waste.

Yabu
It doesn't matter whether it would be nice (for you), or what you or anyone else would do. He's not invited, and if they wanted him there then he would be. It's not like they have forgotten. They have their own reasons for their choice of who is at their wedding

I think the point is that they might not have been together or were serious when the planning and guest list was done. There might not be the flexibility to add a fairly new partner without excluding someone else.

i would just not attend the evening do.

i would be fine in the day, making small talk at a table with a few other people (hopefully they are also fairly sociable) but the evening do on your own when no one can really chat due to noisy music, is no fun on your own.

So i'd just leave during the gap, having done your duty and made small talk with fellow guests.

(also avoiding hotel cost for night)

I agree @Sandinmyknickers
I also wonder if you are then supposed to postpone again, if, during that waiting time, another friends then starts going out with someone new ???

Such an odd way of thinking.

There are 2 bloody people in our wedding photos who were partners of at least a year, were living together and we have never seen them again because they split up. That's 2 other people that could have been invited and two faces in my wedding photos that mean nothing to either of us.

I wish we'd been more strict with Ben it came to inviting plus ones.

This wedding is about them and who they want there to celebrate with them not who you want there. It's pretty shoddy that you've known them for a lot longer than your DP but are dismissing the invite to celebrate with them.

I'm always really honoured to be invited to a wedding and regardless of whether DH was invited would be overjoyed to go along and celebrate.

A married couple could divorce or you might fall out with a friend so I wouldn't be looking back on wedding photos being dismay!

We invited all friends with a plus 1 - regardless of their relationship status

We've had 4 married couples who were at our wedding split up since then and we've been married just under 5 years so not exactly a long time. One couple had been married for 25 years and the other three for around a decade each. Length of time together doesn't necessarily mean they'll last and neither does marriage. We also had a few friends there who we don't see so much now, that's just how life goes. We celebrated with the friends end family we were closest to at the time, you can't predict the future.

Although we also had plus ones for everyone who wanted one, some of them we could only accommodate in the evening because of space in the venue for the meal and many of them we had never met but it meant guests weren't coming alone if they didn't know anyone else.

If the couple in the op are having 100+ guests in the evening it's a shame the OP's partner isn't being invited as one of them.

I would expect wedding invitation with +1 even if I wouldn’t have a partner at the time. Problem these days is that people are having weddings they can’t afford at the expense of good manners and etiquette. I would blank point decline, friend or not friend.

You would expect a plus one when you are single? Wow I’m surprised at that.
it’s very unusual to have no shared friends with the B&G at all so highly unlikely you know no one else there so I’m surprised you would want to take a friend along just for moral support but I appreciate I might be really out of touch here.

no getting away from the fact weddings are nearly always tight on numbers so expecting a plus one so you can invite a friend that the B&G won’t know at all seems unusual to me.

Have to say I wouldn’t much want to be someone’s plus one (if they aren’t my partner) if it means going along to a whole wedding where I have never met the B&G. All those photos and speeches! Not usually the most interesting if you don’t have a friendship with at least one of the happy couple.

Yes, I’d want to have an option to bring a date for, why would I want to go through the whole wedding on my own. Unless it is very small 20-30 closest people wedding, otherwise It’s just a bad etiquette from B&G. Im a bit surprised how many brides here think that their wedding is in such demand that people are dying to attend :D the numbers that you make up are entirely, because you want to.

I’m happy to send a card and congratulate my colleague/associate/friend, but I have better things to do then roam the wedding event on my own, making small talk with random uncle.

Crappydoo · 25/09/2022 17:59
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 17:53
I would decline if my husband/partner wasn’t invited too.

Why? What do you think might happen? A year isn't that long so I'm assuming OPs friend doesn't know their partner that well. If I was having an intimate wedding I wouldn't really want someone there that I didn't know very well regardless of cost.”

Because I much prefer his company to anyone else’s.

100 plus is hardly intimate.

YABU

How precious of you that you can't attend without your partner! As PP have stated, the organising is months/years in advance, likely you weren't even with your partner at the time. Maybe you'll understand if given the opportunity to plan your own wedding.

Everyone was offered a plus one at our wedding .

But I certainly don’t see a couple of one year as an ‘established’ couple. For many people this would certainly not be a ‘partner’.

It would be incredibly rude to ask to bring someone along.

My DH and I were together 10 years before we got married. 8 years in a long term friend of his got married and I was not invited. The wedding was 10 hours away from where we lived. He ended up deciding to go to as he hadn't seen many of his friends that were going for a long time. When he got there he found none of them had been given plus ones, including the married ones. Everyone was a bit put out. We eloped so we invited no one 😂.

You say she is your close friend of 20+ years. You can ask her why he isn't invited to the evening do. It could be that she considered it rude to invite one to the all day and the other to only the night. It could be capacity and therefore even if you pay there is no room.

You need to be prepared for her saying no. If you refuse to go because he isn't invited you might lose your friendship over it. You've been with your partner for 1 year. Think about looking back. If you look back 10 years from now and you're with your DP will you wish you hadn't gone because he wasn't invited? If you're not with your DP will you look back and wish you'd been there and maintained the friendship? Basically which do you think you'll regret/what will matter the least later.

I think YABU a little. I wouldn't ask. If your partner isn't on the invite they're not invited end of story. Not sure what you hope to accomplish by asking for an invite apart from making everyone uncomfortable. If you think it's rude and you've taken offense then don't go to the wedding. Ultimately it doesn't matter whether you think it's rude or not because it's not your wedding so it's not your decision and the day isnt about you. Don't go if you're that upset about it.