Wedding plus one
LavendersBlue32 · 25/09/2022 17:51
I received an invitation to a good friend's wedding but there wasn't a plus one. My partner and I have been together for a year and we have recently moved in togther and so I had assumed he would be invited.
I was going to reach out to my friend and ask that as it appears to be a smaller and intimate ceremony and meal, would it be possible for me to invite my partner along for the larger evening reception and I will pay whatever the cost is for an evening guest.
I appreciate weddings are a bit of a minefield with many people having different opinions, but this is a good friend of 20+ years and if the tables were turned, I would feel quite upset if I was unable to attend the wedding of my partners good friend.
Thanks everyone in advance for any advice/opinions.
RaininginDarling · 25/09/2022 19:30
I did smile at the theoretical wedding planning where logistics, finances and family are no issue.
Glad you've dropped the idea of offering to pay for your partner, OP, that is deeply crass as others have said.
You say the bride and groom have met your boyfriend several times, do you think perhaps that they just haven't got the space and capacity to invite someone you have only been seeing for a year and they don't really know that well? It takes a lot of planning to put a wedding together, they've probably spent a lot of time working out who to invite - and I can guarantee there will be compromises made along the way that you're simply not party to. Despite your intentions for your own wedding one day, there are always limitations to what we can do in the real world. We all prioritise, compromise and hope for the best.
You seem to see your friend's wedding as a way to pay back your boyfriend for the events he has bought you to. This makes me wonder about how secure you're feeling romantically - but their wedding isn't about your relationship. I suggest, if you want to get them all together, that you plan get togethers between your friends and partner yourself, outside of the wedding.
My partner is away this week, he is going to a two-day Anglo/Indian wedding in London. It sounds awesome! He was invited by a work colleague and it never occurred to me to assume I'd be invited - or be offended that I'm not. I expect my partner to have an excellent time and for him to tell me all about it on his return. Because he's a grown man capable of talking to people he doesn't know. I really don't get this idea that you can't go to a wedding without a partner. Surely it's a great place to socialise particularly with people you say you've known for two decades? Presumably, there are other mutual friends going who are worth catching up with?
CatSeany · 25/09/2022 19:53
I think if I knew others there I would happily go without my partner. If I didn't know others I would politely decline. We always told ourselves we'd invite everyone to the full day and evening including plus ones to our wedding and then we started planning and the cost was absolutely shocking. We ended up having to cancel our wedding altogether because we knew we wouldn't be able to save enough money in time, but it made me realise that although people might want to invite everybody, they might not be able to.
mam0918 · 25/09/2022 19:53
two things to point out which is basic wedding ettiquette:
- plus ones are not for relationships, they are for people attending alone especially if travelling to bring any random person they want as company.
- partners who are together at the time of invites being sent should always be invited together with the partner as a named guest.
BloodAndFire · 25/09/2022 19:58
Yeahrepublic · 25/09/2022 19:20
@BloodAndFire I don't agree it's shit hosting.
It was a small wedding and afternoon reception at a very expensive and lovely venue. I would never have expected a full day invite.
The bride had met my husband once (at our wedding) and the groom never. I'd met the groom once as we lived 200 miles apart. If I saw my friend, he wasn't there. That's fine IMO.
So you travelled a long distance. On your own. And had to buy your own drinks.
In my book, that is shit hosting.
Yeahrepublic · 25/09/2022 20:04
@BloodAndFire not sure where I mentioned a long distance. I travelled a short train journey, met up with lovely friends and celebrated a marriage and bought my own drinks.
I've been to maybe two weddings in my life where the bar was completely free. Others have been toasts, wine for the table etc then paid bar in the evening.
I think a totally free bar is the exception.
I really do think the mumsnet expectations and hatred about weddings is bizarre. It's just not like this in real life among my friends and family.
Hotandbothereds · 25/09/2022 20:04
LavendersBlue32 · 25/09/2022 17:54
I should have added, I know of a few guests, perhaps 3 or 4 but not well enough to join their table for the evening.
How can you have known someone for 20+ years, be close enough to be doing a speech at the meal (huge drip feed by the way) and yet hardly know any of her other friends?
Helpyou · 25/09/2022 20:05
You first of all said you do know people attending and now are saying you don't know anyone?
I feel a year isn't long really, especially as they'll have been planning numbers for a good year anyway at which point he wasn't in the picture. The fact you live together doesn't make a difference in my opinion, it's still a year.
I personally would like to think I'd invite your partner in this circumstance but it's truly difficult to know how stretched they are with numbers and whether there are others in similar situations to you where by if they had all thr partners they'd then be over on numbers.
ThirtyThreeTrees · 25/09/2022 20:06
I think an invite without a plus one is rude, especially if the couple know the guest doesn't know anyone else at the wedding.
It's different where it's family or friends or a group of work colleagues going but otherwise it's a pain in the care and I tend to decline invites without a plus one.
That said, I also think it's equally rude to mention it to the couple so I would rather not attend instead.
Dancingwithourhandstied · 25/09/2022 20:07
How long have they been planning their wedding? Our guest list was the first thing we did, so they may not have met him or you may not have even been together when they wrote the guest list!
And you keep mentioning that you don't consider their wedding small but their current guest list might be the limit for their venue, or the limit of their budget.
I get its disappointing but the bride and groom have to juggle so many things and so many people (oh the family politics!) I wouldn't take it personally, go and enjoy it as much as you can, you don't have to stay for much of the evening do if you're not enjoying it
MrsMarlowe · 25/09/2022 20:12
I find it really poor when unmarried guests don’t get a plus one. I am single and am always a gooseberry. It’s very thoughtless not to give me the opportunity to bring my sister or a friend.
One time I was at a wedding where the few other people I knew either couldn’t come last minute or left early with their children. There was literally nobody else I knew except the bride and groom. I tried to leave at about 9 but the bride said “Oh no, the dancing hasn’t even started yet, please stay!” she seemingly hadn’t clicked there was nobody I knew to sit with. You can’t really mingle at weddings because everyone’s with their own partners at their own table. I ended up whiling away the next two hours awkwardly dancing at the edge of the dance floor and hiding in the toilets cubicles. Most uncomfortable night I’ve had in a long time.
Anyway - YANBU. Ask for a plus one.
drpet49 · 25/09/2022 20:13
DisforDarkChocolate · 25/09/2022 20:11
So she's having a small intimate wedding and you want her to invite someone who has been a friends partner for only a year, and who has just moved in?
When you plan, and pay, for your own wedding you will realise how ridiculous this sounds.
Completely agree with this
123ROLO · 25/09/2022 20:18
Me and my fiance were discussing this today. Two of his male friends are completely closed books, never let anyone in on their love life, we suspect one of them is seeing someone as we have drove past him a couple of times with a woman, but we don't know, the other we think is single, but probably looking for a partner. Our wedding isn't for a year, we decided it would both be rude to assume they have a plus 1, and rude to decline them a plus 1. Therefore we are wording the invites "please let us know when you rsvp if you intend to bring a plus 1", therefore leaving the ball completely in their court.
I know this situation is not the same, but I personally think everyone should have the option for a plus one, and if you are in a couple no matter how new the relationship is a wedding is a lovely excuse as a couple to get all dolled up and have a romantic evening together.
I don't think one year is that new anyway!
I'd just send a message and say it would mean a lot to you if your oh can join.
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2022 20:21
Given the speech thing I think not inviting him to the evening do is a pretty big snub.
I’ve been married twice and never had an evening do, they’re usually shit, it’s just a party but you’re expected to pretend it’s extra special because they had the good bit earlier. It wouldn’t have been hard to include him in it and they’ll have drop outs and no shows and it’ll only be a lukewarm buffet.
I’d accept their decision but wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s deliberate and suggests they don’t like him.
CoffeeThisInstant · 25/09/2022 20:26
Are you sure it's not just an oversight?
How long ago were the invites sent - maybe your relationship was still quite new when they were sent out.
If the bride is a good friend I'd mention to her that you'd appreciate your partners company during the evening, if she doesn't then maybe she's not such a good friend after all.
surreygirl1987 · 25/09/2022 20:27
I think YABU. They've not invited him, so would prefer for him not to be there. Do they even know him particularly well? I had a similar thing once, when my now husband wasn't invited to something- my friend had only met him a few times by then. I was disappointed but didn't say anything- her celebration, her decision! Plus I am capable of going places without him... are you?
Shiningstarr · 25/09/2022 20:28
There's probably only room for so many people in the day, that's why they haven't been able to invite plus one's.
We only had 50 people to our wedding, which included a sit down wedding breakfast, the venue simply could not hold any more. So this meant I had to invite a couple of people and not put a plus one.
Then more were invited to the evening. I would say if you're not happy at being invited in your own, then just decline the invite.
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