To ask parents in law not to use racist slurs around DC

[OneLittleLamb]

DC (twins) are only 6 months but have used slurs around them such as ch*nky (to describe someone from Asian decent) and sometimes discusses black people in casually racist ways.

DP says babies are too young to know right now but I feel it's setting a precedent. How do I address this? It makes me feel sick tbh

It's zealotry to not use racist slurs when buying dinner? OK. I really don't think we're the weird ones.

@APieceofsomething just answering this, but yes, I did with DH. I am mixed black/Asian and Mediterranean.
I met his family early on to see how they reacted to me, and to get a feel for dynamics. To my surprise I didn't realise he was mixed as well so it solved a lot of the worry for me.
And yes, it was a worry sadly.

I dealt with this in my family by saying that we want them to hear people talk like that, and that we would hate to have them repeat things like that at nursery. My son's first word wasn't too long after 6 months, it is not too early!! They understand that things are words already, you don't even want your babies to know that those combination of sounds are words.

This thread is 💀

This used to happen with a member of our family. It happened a couple of times, that were initially ignored, until one day I snapped. I just said “Stop it, that is enough. You and I both know that this language is not acceptable. Do not say it again in front of the children. Not only do I not want to hear it, I certainly don’t want them repeating it.”

Funnily enough, it never happened again 😁

No you didn’t say racists had to be old. You said that older people can’t be expected to know what is racist “Older people can't always keep up with what is considered racist or know what terminology to use instead”

honestly that’s about as patronising and ageist as it’s possible to be. And even when it’s pointed out that it’s patronising ageist and inaccurate, you still don’t think it’s problematic. 🤦‍♀️

and yes stating “It's not particularly easy for people who aren't using the internet, don't particularly keep up with the news or modern life to just "work it out". How do you suggest people do that?” is literally excusing racism @ElephantsintheCupboard

you’re basically say that the poor racists don’t have access to the internet or the modern world (Or are too old and confused to keep up) so how can they possibly know better.

it’s ludicrous.

interesting that you have to continue to resort to name-calling.

why are you even on this thread? Just to criticise folk who don’t tolerate derogatory language based on skin colour.

sounds fun 🙄

I would not tolerate that language being used in my hearing, so would have already tackled it as offensive to me. Have you not?

This thread really does show how thick people are

Do people vet peoples family for racism before deciding to stay together? I didn't know that was a thing?

I personally would yes. Of course I would. I do not see a future with someone who doesn't call out racism. I have cut contact with my own family member when their racist views have come to light.

I didn't know that was a thing?
What don't you know is a thing? Demanding that the people you surround yourself with are non racists? Not tolerating racist views? I'd say that yea, its a thing. Kinda big thing.

@VladmirsPoutine much better put than my attempts. Thank you.

I'd be asking her to stop regardless of the children. Has it never been raised before?

We haven't spoken to my DHs father for almost 4 years now for this exact reason. He was asked to stop and said he can say what he wants in his house, so we never went again. He hasn't met his 3 year old grandson.

Tell them that if your kids use terms like that in nursery/ school they will end up being expelled so it's best not to use those names in front of them.

I shouldn't read these threads!! A pp excusing racism because it was 'in context' whilst having a takeaway?! Even if I WASN'T of Chinese heritage, I'd consider them to be racist and dim af... That clear enough for all the excusers?

I would never have my children around such people. That's a parent's job. If your DH can't step up then he's just as bad.

I hate the phrase 'casual racism'. It minimises what is simply racism.

Are they 'actively' racist (i.e. make such comments to be deliberately offensive) or 'passively' racist (don't think about how their comments come across even though those comments themselves are racist)? Because if they're the latter then your best bet is starting out with pointing it out every time and asking them to avoid it around your kids. Teach them better. But if they're racist because they think white is superior then that's pointless and you need to grow a serious backbone.

My mum still uses 'coloured' even though I tell her every single time. But she's not being racist because she uses it so rarely that it won't sink in and she gets confused because of the whole 'person of colour' thing - she still remembers the time when calling someone 'black' was offensive and she hasn't moved on. And she never will because her limited social circle is entirely white and talks about 'old people topics'! My dad on the other hand is a confused racist! He doesn't (seem to) have a problem with individuals who aren't white but for some reason when he talks about people generally he uses acceptable descriptors but in a way that makes it obvious he looks down on them e.g. too much emphasis on 'Indian' in a negative conversation. I wonder sometimes if it's an autistic thing whereby he's been around racist people in the (long ago) past and has adapted his conversation to fit in with them and hasn't updated his thinking since because he doesn't really bother thinking anymore. I've pretty much given up telling him because he pays zero attention to anything anyone says.

Some people aren't going to change, whether by force of habit, laziness or just plain racism. And I don't think out and out racists can be changed that easily if at all.

You said you are not assertive and you have to deal with this your own way, but personally I would say to them 'If you use racist language I will have to keep the children away from you as I don;t want them to learn offensive terms.'

Their language is not only harmful to the people they are being racist about, although it is directed at them and very upsetting for them if they hear it, but they are actually going to teach your children disgusting and damaging views. Racist people are not very welcome in modern society and your children need to learn how to fit in and get ahead in the modern world.

But that’s not the reason, and it totally minimizes why racist language is not ok.

Racist language harms the communities about which it is being used. To centre the harm around the embarrassment it could cause the (white) OP at nursery is pretty much excusing racism as long as it’s not inconvenient to white people.

A bit of a side track but you have made me think about white privilege. I’m visibly not white and unfortunately was married to someone with racist relatives.

So

If your children are that mixed race that is being abused I world jump in it assertively no matter how old

If the people sept f then are casually being racist I too would fix it in works. That I'm not half to hear that, as who te hers the babies? Well- we do!!!

In Summary always challenge racism as it's the right thing to do x

@OneLittleLamb Throughout life your twins are unfortunately going to hear and see stuff that you will see as a bad influence on them.

You can’t change other people. You can try to explain why it is unacceptable and express your expectations that they refrain from using those words and expressions in front of your children. But, ultimately how they respond is entirely up to them.

So, what then do you do if they continue to use these words?

I have throughout my dc’s life explained that the inappropriate language/behaviour they just witnessed is wrong because of … reason. And sometimes I’ve actually addressed the issue right there and then even in front of the offending person.

You can’t always shield your children from everything that is bad in the world. So, teach them.

Apologies as word to text didn't work!! "If your children are that mixed race that is being abused I would jump in it assertively no matter how old "

If the people that are being casually being racist aren't my or my DCs ethnicity then I would challenge it in words- . That I'm not happy to hear that, as who are their mum or otherwise protectors- well we are!

In Summary always challenge racism as it's the right thing to do x

You can’t change other people.

You actually can
Sometimes