To ask parents in law not to use racist slurs around DC

[OneLittleLamb]

DC (twins) are only 6 months but have used slurs around them such as ch*nky (to describe someone from Asian decent) and sometimes discusses black people in casually racist ways.

DP says babies are too young to know right now but I feel it's setting a precedent. How do I address this? It makes me feel sick tbh

Frankly I wouldn’t cringe. I would be bloody livid to hear people talking like that. I would explain it’s unacceptable. If they persisted then I wouldn’t see them again.

Come on. I grew up in a racist country so every white person has racist relatives somewhere. There's a bit in Ted Lasso where Roy Kent says something like, "I grew up in the 70s in South London, of course my dad's a little bit racist". Denying racism is silly.

In my case it was my BIL. First time he got asked nicely, second slightly less nicely, third I said he wasn't welcome in my home if he carried on. 15 years later, there's an uneasy truce but he doesn't say things in front of me to DD.

A colleague told me her in-laws in Glasgow use that slur for a takeaway - they got the hump when she objected!

Why rant to your DH. Why not call the racist behaviour behaviour out directly when it happens?

Why have you let racist people around your children in the first place?

It's bad that your partner isn't addressing this with his parents.

If my parents made racists comments in front of me, my partner, my children I would be embarrassed and would tell them to stop. I certainly wouldn't leave it up to my partner to do.

"Not maligning the whole of Scotland" while simultaneously asking if ops in Scotland because you heard one person say that word once, and insinuating we are too stupid to know its racist 🙄

Op, regardless if it's around the kids or not you need to call it out, every single time.

If they don't listen then stop going to see them at all.

EVERY WHITE PERSON? now that is fucking racist! Can you say the same for every non white person? No wonder there's division. Naughty white people always picking on ethnic minorities - never the other way round is it.

”The standard you walk past is the standard you accept,” said an Australian general about sexual harassment. If you don’t challenge this behaviour, you are complicit. People will think you’re ok with it. Which you clearly are not.

My step FIL used the P word describe Asian people, and I said "We don't do racism in this house". My youngest was just a baby but regardless, I wasn't having it. He was a bit red faced but he knows I won't accept anything of the sort. Set your own boundaries for you, your home, your family.

I have two older relatives (married to each other) who use the P word a lot - we are in the north west in a town with lots of Bangladeshi and Pakistani residents. I pull them up every single time. If I’m at theirs I say “please don’t use that word, it’s racist”. If they say it at mine I say “use that word in my house and I’ll request that you leave”. Hasn’t completely stamped it out but they are a lot better than they were.

Next time you hear it I'd just say that language is not appropriate these days and you don't want your DC's picking it up or they could be in trouble at nursery etc etc .

She probably loved him . I'm sure we all have some relative we aren't proud of

FIL is a lot less sexist since I came along and called him out on all of his women driver shit. (I have a rally licence and took him out when he came to visit. He was utterly silent for the first time in his life.)

He made a sexist comment to DD when she was 2 weeks old. I told him if I ever heard him say anything like that again he’d never see her again. 11 years and counting.

Oh FFS not another Mumsnetter who thinks being racist is just 'having an opinion' 🙄

You're getting boring now.

I don’t see my mum anymore because she swore in front of dc and used two racist words. I told her not to and she yelled at me and accused me of being controlling. Life is so much easier without her.

EVERY WHITE PERSON? now that is fucking racist! Can you say the same for every non white person? No wonder there's division. Naughty white people always picking on ethnic minorities - never the other way round is it.

Well I can't speak for any demographic I'm not part of. I am part of a white minority so yes, every Polish person has racist relatives. Everyone also has a sexist relative. Yes, every person.

You can't address racism without acknowledging it and dealing with it. It's not a personal affront against you, it's just a fact of life. Something we all have to move through because you can't go around it.

And I would hope it reduces division. Surface it, talk about it, reduce it, move on.

Do people vet peoples family for racism before deciding to stay together? I didn't know that was a thing? How would that even work? Do you just call it quits even though you might already be in love? Or do you make a point to meet new peoples family's in the first week to make sure you don't get feelings so if they have a racist family member you can duck out quickly?

Is it part of dating profiles now? "Enjoy swimming, going out to meals, 1 family member is sexist and racist and 1 votes Tory. I don't, but just so you have all the facts"

Do people vet peoples family for racism before deciding to stay together?

Yes. I know you're attempting to be facetious but the answer to your question is yes.

@APieceofsomething

Do you not consider wider family when settling down with someone?

I'd not touch a man, let alone marry one, who was ok with their parents using racial slurs.

That's the issue here, not that he has racist relatives, it's that he doesn't do anything about it. I'd expect them to be NC with racists. Anyone who accepts racist relatives is just as bad themselves

'Recounting and experience' by insinuating that Scottish people are like this and too stupid to know different - on a post about racism.

Ironic.

@MessyBunPersonified Again, I recounted an experience with a particular group of people, at a particular time, so no, not all Scottish people -- however hard you try.