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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL appears to hate me

95 replies

AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 11:36

Been with DP for almost 4 years. We respectively have 2 DC each and we live together

We are all happy together but DP has noticed recently that his mother has taken a dislike towards me

Background to the situation. DSC have always done hobbies at weekends. Indeed when I first met DP we hardly saw each other at weekends because both days were spent doing clubs/hobbies

DS isn’t into anything like that - much prefers being out on his bike/scooter/skateboard - anything with wheels

DD however has only ever wanted to do horse riding - she’s never wanted to do anything else and indeed I could never afford to pay for hobbies. So now after a lot of financial changes in my work, I can afford to take her - it does however cost me an absolute fortune!!

DP and I have kept our finances separate so anything for his DC is paid for by him, anything for my DC is paid by me. Decision has been made that DP can’t pay for DSD and he has also made it clear to DSD that she has done every single hobby/club that could be imagined whereas my DD has only done this - equally I can’t afford to pay for 2 DC. DDs kit is expensive - for example next week I’m buying her a body protector that’s almost £200!!

And herein lies the issue. MIL has said DD is being treated differently to DSC and MIL isn’t happy about it - so this is why she has suddenly decided to take a dislike to me

So that’s it really - that if I continue to give my own DD attention/spend money on her, MIL won’t be happy and will continue to dislike me

DP totally backed me up and has made it clear that it’s ridiculous to dislike me because of this, that he loves me, has every intention to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc and our financial situation and how we deal with that at home is also our decision

So now I’m sat here dreading family meeting ups which are often with DPs family and indeed Christmas where we have already decided as a family to spend this Christmas at home, just us, and not intending on visiting anyone else. We have made it clear that visitors will be welcome but we aren’t prepared this year to make the 90minute round trip again - I know this will now be viewed by MIL that I have made this decision and stopping her from seeing her DGC on Christmas Day - as I know she won’t want to drive over to ours.

So WWYD? Certainly I’m not going to stop DDs hobby!! But I just feel to fall out with a DIL because of something like this is a bit ridiculous really. AIBU?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 25/09/2022 11:40

Sorry, are you saying dad wants to also take up riding and dp can't afford this new hobby also?

forrestgreen · 25/09/2022 11:40

Dsd!

ApolloandDaphne · 25/09/2022 11:40

Decision has been made that DP can’t pay for DSD and he has also made it clear to DSD that she has done every single hobby/club that could be imagined whereas my DD has only done this - equally I can’t afford to pay for 2 DC.

Can you clarify what you mean by this? Does DSD want to do horse riding too?

Everytime12 · 25/09/2022 11:42

Your thread is a bit unclear as to what hobby it is for dsd. Is it original hobby or horse riding?

Original poster
AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 11:43

Yes DSD wanted to do horse riding too but DP has said no - also DSDs mum has also said no to it too

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/09/2022 11:43

Mil is free to pay for her blood relative to go horse riding. Yanbu to be paying for yours. Dp can cancel all her other hobbies to pay for his dd to ride.

forrestgreen · 25/09/2022 11:43

Mil can pay then??

35965a · 25/09/2022 11:45

Just let her hate you, her feeling aren’t your problem. Also if your DPs kid is getting treated differently that’s also not your problem, it’s his.

greystarblanchard · 25/09/2022 11:45

MIL should pay if she’s so desperate for her granddaughter to also join in the horse riding. YANBU.

LunaMay · 25/09/2022 11:46

Can dsd afford horse riding if she gives up her other hobbies? There was a similar issue when i was young, Dad was pretty much told to make it work and either we were all a family or we weren't kind of a deal... i ended up having to give up my hobby though.
Tricky when you've moved in together to blend families but still have seperate finances etc

WhatALoadOfWankyness · 25/09/2022 11:48

Good God MIL should respect her sons and his exs decision , it's got nothing to do with you or your daughter. She just wants someone to blame , silly woman

Pixiedust1234 · 25/09/2022 11:50

But its not your decision though is it. Its a decision that the child's father and mother have decided between them.

Either mil pays
Child gives up everything else to fund it
Child doesn't do it

None of the above involves you.

Original poster
AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 11:51

LunaMay · 25/09/2022 11:46

Can dsd afford horse riding if she gives up her other hobbies? There was a similar issue when i was young, Dad was pretty much told to make it work and either we were all a family or we weren't kind of a deal... i ended up having to give up my hobby though.
Tricky when you've moved in together to blend families but still have seperate finances etc

Not really. The actual lesson costs are one thing, but then it’s all the other stuff needed - riding hat, boots etc. He feels that even if he could sort the lessons costs, he wouldn’t be able to manage the ongoing additional costs. I’ve spent around £800 I think since June in lessons and general stuff!!!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 25/09/2022 11:51

Mil needs to respect her sons and his ex decision.

Did dsd offer to drop all other activities and clubs to do horse riding?
On side note your son might like bmx racing if he likes wheels. There may be a bmx track near you

PhoneWaiting · 25/09/2022 11:52

Let her hate you. Your DP has your back and is the family in your life, let MIL go do one and you all crack on. Your DP having your back and agreeing with you is huge and the opposite of a red flag.

Hankunamatata · 25/09/2022 11:52

Dp should tell mil if she pays for all the kit then he will pay the lessons, then hand her the list and the cost

LuckyLil · 25/09/2022 11:53

If both parents have said no then MIL needs to butt out and mind her own business.

MistressIggi · 25/09/2022 11:53

Has the dsd ever been horse riding? I took mine and neither wanted to go back. You can book a lesson or a hack as a one off and helmets are provided. (You'd need footwear though). It sounds like you have thought this through and it is unreasonable for you to be disliked for this.
A 90 min round trip is nothing to complain about though, if the people at the end of it are nice to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2022 11:55

MIL needs to wind her neck in. If she’s so bothered she can pay for it. I doubt she will. Sounds like she’s been waiting for an excuse to criticise you.

Great news DP is on the same page, I think this gives you permission to let all contact go through him, just don’t have much to do with her and certainly do Christmas as the two of you want to. You know you’ll never win with her so cut her from your mind and do as you wish!

ZekeZeke · 25/09/2022 11:56

You can get a loat of gear second hand, hat boots etc. They grow out of them so quickly.

If your step daughter drops her other activities can her father, mother ans MIL pool together and afford horse riding?
Does SD only want to horse ride because your DD is doing it? If so, get her dad to speak with her and find out why. The real reason could be jealousy..

Topseyt123 · 25/09/2022 11:56

If MIL is that bothered about her blood relative granddaughter going horse riding then she can pay for it, surely.

You are not being unreasonable. You are giving your own children what you can while living within your means and being as even handed as possible.

Ignore MIL as much as you can and let DP deal with her. He sounds as though he will have your back.

Original poster
AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 11:57

I think I was just shocked that this is her reason for disliking me!!

On a further note - first time DD went to her lesson, I posted a photo of her on my social media with something like ‘well done! First lesson!’ And her response on my post was ‘is DSD not there too?’

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 25/09/2022 11:58

Agree with other posters, MIL can feel free to donate..

Calphurnia88 · 25/09/2022 12:10

I don't understand why she is angry and/or upset with you about this. If she's so keen for her granddaughter to go horseriding, why isn't she having this conversation with her son, or offering to pay herself?

Original poster
AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 12:14

She wouldn’t offer to pay herself as she couldn’t afford it

Im on a decent salary so I honestly think that she feels I should pay for 2 DC if I’m paying for 1! Trust me - it’s a stretch paying for DD!!!!

OP posts: