MIL appears to hate me

[AmiaterribleDIL]

Been with DP for almost 4 years. We respectively have 2 DC each and we live together

We are all happy together but DP has noticed recently that his mother has taken a dislike towards me

Background to the situation. DSC have always done hobbies at weekends. Indeed when I first met DP we hardly saw each other at weekends because both days were spent doing clubs/hobbies

DS isn’t into anything like that - much prefers being out on his bike/scooter/skateboard - anything with wheels

DD however has only ever wanted to do horse riding - she’s never wanted to do anything else and indeed I could never afford to pay for hobbies. So now after a lot of financial changes in my work, I can afford to take her - it does however cost me an absolute fortune!!

DP and I have kept our finances separate so anything for his DC is paid for by him, anything for my DC is paid by me. Decision has been made that DP can’t pay for DSD and he has also made it clear to DSD that she has done every single hobby/club that could be imagined whereas my DD has only done this - equally I can’t afford to pay for 2 DC. DDs kit is expensive - for example next week I’m buying her a body protector that’s almost £200!!

And herein lies the issue. MIL has said DD is being treated differently to DSC and MIL isn’t happy about it - so this is why she has suddenly decided to take a dislike to me

So that’s it really - that if I continue to give my own DD attention/spend money on her, MIL won’t be happy and will continue to dislike me

DP totally backed me up and has made it clear that it’s ridiculous to dislike me because of this, that he loves me, has every intention to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc and our financial situation and how we deal with that at home is also our decision

So now I’m sat here dreading family meeting ups which are often with DPs family and indeed Christmas where we have already decided as a family to spend this Christmas at home, just us, and not intending on visiting anyone else. We have made it clear that visitors will be welcome but we aren’t prepared this year to make the 90minute round trip again - I know this will now be viewed by MIL that I have made this decision and stopping her from seeing her DGC on Christmas Day - as I know she won’t want to drive over to ours.

So WWYD? Certainly I’m not going to stop DDs hobby!! But I just feel to fall out with a DIL because of something like this is a bit ridiculous really. AIBU?

Its funny (not Haha) but iv have seen this before with mil (the mans mother) and eldest child when their son either has more children with new partner or partner already have children. They seem to have this massive fear that the child will be pushed out or not treated the same and almost look for reasons to get defensive on behalf of the child. And become incredibly over protective.

Your MIL needs to butt out and if she has an opinion she can speak with her son.

Your DP needs to speak to his mother and make clear how your life is set up and how you spend your money is nothing to do with her.

This!! It’s silly isn’t it!!!

Prior to my job change I was literally skint so whilst my DSC had piles of presents at Christmas and clubs paid for, my DC got very little. So I think she is forgetting this!!

Does it makes more sense to suggest she has always disliked you but hasn’t had anything to hang it on until now?

Now she’s snatched at something that “isn’t about” her, it’s about DSD being left out and treated unfairly, something that most third parties who don’t know the specifics could get behind. She can now be open about an antipathy she has always felt.

Let her get on with it, don’t make any effort. She’ll be the loser in the long run.

Am getting confused with dsd dg dc dp ffs what do they all mean
i like to post without all that
but re your post, arrange to talk with her , or text it
say it’s the only hobby your daughter likes doing and if other child had similar hobby you’d treat them the same , however he doesn’t
also if you can’t afford this hobby find something else she can enjoy .. kids can’t always get what they want

I think that putting aside all your partner's relatives views, it would be a kind thing to do to find a way to help your dsd experience horse riding. It's not a matter of pitching your dd against her or who pays for what... It's more about that being an activity you and your dd know about and know how to access etc. If there is an opportunity to share some of that knowledge with dsd who has shown an interest then that would be a kind thing to do. It's not for MIL to opine on how your and you dp arrange your finances, as every system for this will have its own drawbacks, but if a drawback of your chosen system is unfair for the children who are otherwise being expected to treat a family set up as if it is fair etc, then that is something you should address. It is not the children who have chosen your family arrangement. It is the adults. You say a lot about what is fair for you to pay for etc but how do you think this might be affecting the children and the relationship between your dd and dsd?

Thats all very well but previously it has been OPs DC who have missed out on experiences and no one paid for them.

Sometimes children have to learn that they can't have everything and life isn't always fair.

@Hothammock the child's father has said no. The child's mother has said no. The OP cannot afford the other child. But she still has to do it?

I’d kill her with kindness. Friends close, enemies closer as the saying goes.

I think unfortunately you have to get OK with her not liking you and holding you responsible for things that aren’t your fault. You obviously don’t have to tolerate her treating you badly and it sounds like your DP is doing the right thing and backing you up so far, but you can’t change her thought process or personal feelings sadly. Just remind yourself that the fact she holds you responsible doesn’t mean you are in reality. In the end she will only hurt herself because the natural consequence of her being rude/frosty/critical (when you have a devoted partner backing you up) is that she won’t be involved in things like Christmas dinners etc if she can’t behave herself.

YANBU with your MIL and DSD. That is upto her parents to fund and not you.

On a side note though - how does your DS feel? My sister growing up got so much money spent on her and her hobby. Resentment grew and my Mum always said 'you don't have a hobby', I did but I couldn't do it because my Mum was so busy with my sister. Does he have money spent on him and his interests as well?

Agree. Let her hate you. She is a nobody in any case. She's no relation to you or your children. Let your dp manage his relationship with her, but other than that she is just some woman that you have to see because who she is related to. Her opinion means shit and you should not give it headspace. You don't need to be liked or approved by her. She is not your DC grandma, really she is nobody to you.

My DC have missed out on an awful lot of things because I haven’t been able to afford it - for example our first Christmas together all DPs family went out for Christmas dinner and I couldn’t afford to pay for me and DC. We’ve even missed a number of other activities planned by DPs family that again I could afford to pay for. There have been large gifts bought by DP for his DC that my DC would have loved but again - my DC have learnt they can’t have everything

Its only now I’ve been in a position to pay for things like horse riding lessons etc - so why am I being bereated for it?? My salary has more than doubled in the past 12 months - how I spend my salary is completely my decision

Im not paying for DSD to have lessons - she has 2 parents on decent salaries who have both refused to pay, so why should it be me to foot the bill??

*couldnt

When I was 13, up to the age of 16, I worked at my local riding school in exchange for lessons. Probably wouldn’t be allowed these days but worth a try for dsd. Either that or mil pays.

It's nothing to do with mil, dp said no and mum said no so if mil doesn't like it then she can pay for the horse riding herself. Silly cow

I wouldn't give a single fuck what this woman thinks, and I definitely would not have my children share Christmas with a twat who hates their mother. No fucking way. Your partner and his kids and go, you plan something else.

Your mil is bonkers

let your dh visit with his kids but just keep away from any get togethers involving mil.

Again not up to you but surely your dh could afford the odd lesson. You don’t need all the kit and if he can find a stables that will lend hats etc that would limit the initial outlay. It seems a Shame dad can’t even try it as a one off but absolutely shouldn’t be you footing the bill

Dad = dsd

Never, ever buy a riding hat second-hand. They are like children's car seats, if they've ever been dropped they are no good and it would be dangerous to wear them.

We’ve already had the Christmas Day what are we doing talk and decided that this year, as we have all DC that we are going to have a full day together at our home. Last couple of years we have gone round to DPs family and it’s been me driving and I said this year I just don’t want to - I just want a day chilling with Prosecco in my jamas tbh! DP doesn’t want to go either since last year he just didn’t enjoy it. Obvs we haven’t told everyone yet - last year DPs brother and SIL didn’t go and there were massive kick offs that it was SILs ‘fault’ and she was ruining everyone’s plans. So it will be me getting the blame this time!!!

As to the MiL issue: none of their business, and on the flipside of that is the old saying 'how others see me is none of my business'. It's entirely her issue: let her carry her own baggage.

Your DH, on the other hand, sounds like a keeper.

Hope your DD loves her riding. Horses are an important part of my life, it could end up meaning a great deal to her.

He has considered getting a bull set of say 10 lessons but knows that his DD would want to continue and long term he doesn’t want to foot the bill. He’s finding it easier to say a straight no than it being that she can do it for a couple of months then no more

*bulk

This all seems to be a bit vulgar and money-centred (from your MIL - Im not criticising you). She may just be one of those people eg who are always on the look out for (usually financial) unfairness e.g. will notice/care when she gets a ‘lesser’ Xmas present than someone else. Or maybe she has a view that you should treat all your children equitably and it’s not about money.

If it’s money then this is her - you will never change her so don’t try to please her; there will be more scenarios in the future. If it’s the latter I would try and think about broader principles here. Eg this separation of spend, is it ‘for now’ or ‘for-ever’?

Money of course is the key enabler/barrier but maybe there are some middle-ground solutions that may emerge.