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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL appears to hate me

95 replies

AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 11:36

Been with DP for almost 4 years. We respectively have 2 DC each and we live together

We are all happy together but DP has noticed recently that his mother has taken a dislike towards me

Background to the situation. DSC have always done hobbies at weekends. Indeed when I first met DP we hardly saw each other at weekends because both days were spent doing clubs/hobbies

DS isn’t into anything like that - much prefers being out on his bike/scooter/skateboard - anything with wheels

DD however has only ever wanted to do horse riding - she’s never wanted to do anything else and indeed I could never afford to pay for hobbies. So now after a lot of financial changes in my work, I can afford to take her - it does however cost me an absolute fortune!!

DP and I have kept our finances separate so anything for his DC is paid for by him, anything for my DC is paid by me. Decision has been made that DP can’t pay for DSD and he has also made it clear to DSD that she has done every single hobby/club that could be imagined whereas my DD has only done this - equally I can’t afford to pay for 2 DC. DDs kit is expensive - for example next week I’m buying her a body protector that’s almost £200!!

And herein lies the issue. MIL has said DD is being treated differently to DSC and MIL isn’t happy about it - so this is why she has suddenly decided to take a dislike to me

So that’s it really - that if I continue to give my own DD attention/spend money on her, MIL won’t be happy and will continue to dislike me

DP totally backed me up and has made it clear that it’s ridiculous to dislike me because of this, that he loves me, has every intention to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc and our financial situation and how we deal with that at home is also our decision

So now I’m sat here dreading family meeting ups which are often with DPs family and indeed Christmas where we have already decided as a family to spend this Christmas at home, just us, and not intending on visiting anyone else. We have made it clear that visitors will be welcome but we aren’t prepared this year to make the 90minute round trip again - I know this will now be viewed by MIL that I have made this decision and stopping her from seeing her DGC on Christmas Day - as I know she won’t want to drive over to ours.

So WWYD? Certainly I’m not going to stop DDs hobby!! But I just feel to fall out with a DIL because of something like this is a bit ridiculous really. AIBU?

OP posts:

WaveyHair · 25/09/2022 13:09

MIL has said DD is being treated differently to DSC and MIL isn’t happy about it

Nope, I think the arrangement you have with you partner is a good one. No one is being treated differently than before. The only difference is that dsd has been denied something. That is an issue for your partner to address with mil.

and have a great Christmas at home. The only thing I would say sometimes it is good to announce this early on so it allows time for others to make alternative plans, rather than scrabbling about at the last minute.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/09/2022 13:12

AmiaterribleDIL · 25/09/2022 13:05

We’ve already had the Christmas Day what are we doing talk and decided that this year, as we have all DC that we are going to have a full day together at our home. Last couple of years we have gone round to DPs family and it’s been me driving and I said this year I just don’t want to - I just want a day chilling with Prosecco in my jamas tbh! DP doesn’t want to go either since last year he just didn’t enjoy it. Obvs we haven’t told everyone yet - last year DPs brother and SIL didn’t go and there were massive kick offs that it was SILs ‘fault’ and she was ruining everyone’s plans. So it will be me getting the blame this time!!!

Show quote history

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. If she's carping about disliking you anyway then it frees you from any mutual obligation to her, especially if your partner is onside.

I taught my DC from toddlerhood that having a hissy is going to do the opposite of getting them their own way. It's quite surprising some people reach the grandparent stage of life still not having absorbed this lesson. Do they think this is the most effective way of gaining people's cooperation, and do they really want a strained atmosphere around them at Christmas because they are well aware people are there under sufferance? You'd think they would have the wherewithall to realize this is a battle they can't ultimately win.

I really don't compute families like this.

Riapia · 25/09/2022 13:19

MIL is making the mistake of seeing you as one family when you’re two separate units.

whynotwhatknot · 25/09/2022 13:21

let me get this right befo your increase in wage they let you miss outon families meals and outings but now you can afford to let your dd have hobbies your meant to be pay for dsd to it aswell

what a fucking cheek

sendwineandastraw · 25/09/2022 13:24

@AmiaterribleDIL my DD’s also took up horse riding a few years ago and we are now the proud owners of two horses, a trailer, PC subscriptions, weekends gone running up and and down the country to compete, the list goes on including a very empty purse at the end of each month so I do sympathise…

That being said it does seem to me, reading between the lines, that you would like to keep this just for DD and maybe your MIL is picking up more on the that than the money being spent.

Not every child is a natural in the saddle, not every child enjoys and wants to carry on and even if they do there are definitely ways to do it without breaking the bank (and I personally think anyone is off their head to spend a fortune on all the gear after only a short amount of time, kids can be after all quite fickle!) hiring hats, 2nd hand FB pages, birthday/Christmas presents, Ebay…

I actually think you should turn this round, encourage DSD and DD to have something to do together, share, enjoy being outside as a family. It’s also worth considering if you do end up investing more into this hobby it then turns into a lifestyle which takes over so far better you are all in it together from the beginning.

deeperthanallroses · 25/09/2022 13:27

You are obviously going to be the bad guy for Christmas too, I’d just stop trying tbh! But I’d get dp to call her and say you knew terribledil and her dc didn’t come to dinner with us because they couldn’t afford it, you knew her dc didn’t have many presents while mine had loads due to money, I think it is fucking fabulous she can finally afford to give her dd what she wants and equally horrendous you have zero concerns about her dd, my step dc who share my life. We aren’t coming for Christmas, and have to rethink. I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expose my stepdc to someone who dislikes them so much, children need to be protected.

WhenDovesFly · 25/09/2022 13:42

I know this isn't the point of the thread but do you have a Decathlon store near you OP? It's a good place to buy good quality horse riding equipment, and not as expensive as buying it from a specialist shop.

Also, another way to make long term horse riding affordable is to invest in some lessons to learn the basics and then see if anyone locally is offering a half loan on a pony. The kids not only get more time riding but they also will be part responsible for grooming the pony and looking after it's needs. When you consider what you pay for lessons, you may end up getting more for your money.

Bingbangbongbash · 25/09/2022 13:53

Not the point of the thread, I know, but if your daughter has just started riding, there is no way she needs £200 of body protector.

You could definitely get boots, jodhpurs, a helmet and body protector for less than £200.

Children don’t understand the concept of separating finances - if you live together as one family, you should do whatever you can to make it fair for each child.

Jonagirl · 25/09/2022 14:10

Fuck her and the horse she rode in on 😉It was fine for your kids to have less than but not her grandkids, nope. Block her or don't block her and ramp up the bragging just to annoy the shit out of her and stop giving fucks, who cares? Just don't see ever, it's simple really and probably fairly liberating

dapsnotplimsolls · 25/09/2022 14:24

I wonder if DSD has been moaning to Granny? In terms of Christmas, I'd tell her sooner rather than later what your plans are and get it over with!

Jaxinthebox · 25/09/2022 14:31

oh OP, what stands out in this for me is that you and your DC were allowed to miss out on family events because you could not afford it... and now DSC is to be funded by you for a hobby that has the potential to be very expensive?

Just no to MIL. And tell her your Christmas plans now, we are nearly in October

HandyGirl76 · 25/09/2022 14:31

My MIL disliked me for no other reason than I wasn't DH's first wife. It really upset me for a while and then, having seen a therapist (about something else), I realised I wasn't going to care how she felt anymore. Weirdly, since then, our relationship has improved immensely.

Don't let her bother you OP, live your own life. If you DH is ok with it, that's what matters.

mrsmccormick · 25/09/2022 14:36

Why the flipping heck can't mil drive to you for a visit at Christmas if she wants to see the DC?

Tinkletoetots · 25/09/2022 14:45

If you want to blend families then all the children need to be treated as equals and have the same opportunities. Otherwise the kids are just house mates.
It will only cause problems between the children if you don't let them all have access to the same opportunities.
Dad, MIL, mum or you need to find the money and make it work.

Boysnme · 25/09/2022 14:48

sendwineandastraw · 25/09/2022 13:24

That being said it does seem to me, reading between the lines, that you would like to keep this just for DD and maybe your MIL is picking up more on the that than the money being spent.

Why is it down to the OP to facilitate something neither her DSDs parents want or are willing to facilitate?

Brefugee · 25/09/2022 14:53

I think that putting aside all your partner's relatives views, it would be a kind thing to do to find a way to help your dsd experience horse riding. It's not a matter of pitching your dd against her or who pays for what... It's more about that being an activity you and your dd know about and know how to access etc.

meh - MIL wasn't worried when OP's daughter wasn't getting things. I'd just tell her she's welcome to pay and leave it at that

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 25/09/2022 14:58

Your partner needs to tell her once it's none of her business and that you won't be discussing it anymore

Brefugee · 25/09/2022 15:01

and fuck this. Mil was happy to stand by and let OP and her DCs be left out before - now the boot's on the other foot, as they say in the Carry On films "she don't like it up her". Tough tits. Now the others have to learn a lesson too

Iwanttoholdyourham · 25/09/2022 15:03

If both get the same treatment, and you can't afford to pay for DSD, then your DD doesn't get to ride. Which means that DD's life is worse off because her mum is in a relationship and she will resent DSD, you and your OH. Nothing changes for DSD.

The alternative with both sets of children being funded by their bio parents is that DSD doesn't get to ride, because her parents can't afford it, and DD does get to ride, because her mum can afford it. Nothing changes for DD, but DSD may resent DD, you and your OH.

Both scenarios involve one child getting upset, but I'd say the first is more damaging, because it involves a child being told no because of her parent's love life. The second scenario is a no because of money. Money isn't supposed to love and care for people unconditionally, so it's not as hurtful.

Both children have already been through the challenges of their parents not being together anymore, and it's important they know that whilst adult relationships with each other can change, the love and support for their children is a certainty. I think you have to fight for DD on this one.

ivykaty44 · 25/09/2022 15:08

I’d be direct with MIL

ask why she thinks it unfair for you to spend your money as you see fit on your dd?

if oh hadn’t got the money then what does MIL see as the solution?

Brigante9 · 25/09/2022 15:36

Remove mil from your social media. She doesn’t need to know what is going on with your children. I’d also reduce the ‘family’ visits, you don’t need to always go to those. You’re totally right to spend Christmas Day at home, I bet the kids will prefer it.

DixonD · 25/09/2022 15:54

It’s cheaper to buy one of your own OP than pay for lessons.

I have three!

YANBU. MIL could contribute towards lessons if she wants, and share the cost with your DP.

Felicity42 · 25/09/2022 15:55

What I find interesting is that Mils disapproval of you is bring 'fed' to you by your DP.
'but DP has noticed recently that his mother has taken a dislike towards me'
He didn't need to emphasise this.
Maybe he's trying to make it your fault because he's afraid of his mother. If he can frighten you into doing things her way then he won't have to confront over anything.
He sounds very entangled with his mother.
Is she being given more airtime than she needs. Just ignore her and notice how much drama your DH might be creating by bringing her up in conversations.

prettybird · 25/09/2022 16:14

Your dp and his ex (mother and father of DSD) have discussed and agreed that their daughter should not have horse lessons. That should be the end of it. Their daughter, their choice.

If her grandmother wants her dgd to go riding, then she should take it up with her son. She can make the offer to pay for the lessons if she wants but it is really nothing to do with you.

Will she then demand that her grandson then gets to do an equally expensive hobby? And will she pay for that?

J0y · 25/09/2022 16:18

Pretend not to notice. Staple gun on the smile and be relaxed around her. Act relaxed. She sounds old fashioned, believing you have no money of your own.

How could a mere woman earn money.

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