MIL appears to hate me

[AmiaterribleDIL]

Been with DP for almost 4 years. We respectively have 2 DC each and we live together

We are all happy together but DP has noticed recently that his mother has taken a dislike towards me

Background to the situation. DSC have always done hobbies at weekends. Indeed when I first met DP we hardly saw each other at weekends because both days were spent doing clubs/hobbies

DS isn’t into anything like that - much prefers being out on his bike/scooter/skateboard - anything with wheels

DD however has only ever wanted to do horse riding - she’s never wanted to do anything else and indeed I could never afford to pay for hobbies. So now after a lot of financial changes in my work, I can afford to take her - it does however cost me an absolute fortune!!

DP and I have kept our finances separate so anything for his DC is paid for by him, anything for my DC is paid by me. Decision has been made that DP can’t pay for DSD and he has also made it clear to DSD that she has done every single hobby/club that could be imagined whereas my DD has only done this - equally I can’t afford to pay for 2 DC. DDs kit is expensive - for example next week I’m buying her a body protector that’s almost £200!!

And herein lies the issue. MIL has said DD is being treated differently to DSC and MIL isn’t happy about it - so this is why she has suddenly decided to take a dislike to me

So that’s it really - that if I continue to give my own DD attention/spend money on her, MIL won’t be happy and will continue to dislike me

DP totally backed me up and has made it clear that it’s ridiculous to dislike me because of this, that he loves me, has every intention to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc and our financial situation and how we deal with that at home is also our decision

So now I’m sat here dreading family meeting ups which are often with DPs family and indeed Christmas where we have already decided as a family to spend this Christmas at home, just us, and not intending on visiting anyone else. We have made it clear that visitors will be welcome but we aren’t prepared this year to make the 90minute round trip again - I know this will now be viewed by MIL that I have made this decision and stopping her from seeing her DGC on Christmas Day - as I know she won’t want to drive over to ours.

So WWYD? Certainly I’m not going to stop DDs hobby!! But I just feel to fall out with a DIL because of something like this is a bit ridiculous really. AIBU?

Thanks everyone! I’m really glad that it’s that I’m not being unreasonable - I had wondered if it would be a total thread of being bashed that DSD wasn’t having lessons paid for her too.

DP brought the subject up with MIL simply because he wouldn’t like it to be that she did have a real issue with me, for it to be that he has discovered it’s just because of this he’s pretty annoyed at her about it. She didn’t respond to his last message either. Thankfully he’s completely on my side with it all - as mentioned several times we’ve discussed this whole situation a lot knowing that DSD would be upset and although in an ideal world, both of the DC would be having lessons, financially it’s not a viable option right now on his side. He is also supportive of my DDs progress with her riding though does say I spoil her - to be fair I do but it’s literally all the horsey stuff for riding and I’d never before now been able to provide her with anything special at all

As everyone else has said, it’s for my DSDs own parents to provide payment for anything she wants to do and as her mother has also said no then why would MIL not take that up with her??

As for Christmas, I’m going to mention it next week I think and see what the fallout is about it all. I had originally said to DP that we could invite everyone round on Boxing Day as an alternative but I’m really not sure I want that anymore unless a lot more acceptance of this situation is made on MILs behalf

If MIL is thar bothered, she can pay for DSC to go horseriding. OH paying for his two kids and you paying for your two DC seems completely fair to me.

If she mentions it to you just say nothing to do with me, speak to DP or Ex. Always refer her comments back to them. Why should you have to deal with it.
Also, start dodging the get togethers, she doesn't make effort with you, why should you make effort with her.

If she mentions it to you just say nothing to do with me, speak to DP or Ex. Always refer her comments back to them. Why should you have to deal with it.

Totally agree @netflixandgrill

Thanks! Exactly this!

I’ve already recently dodged a family get together as it was somewhere really expensive and again we decided as a family to not go as we would rather spend our money doing something of our choice with our kids. Again - it went down like a fart in a lift!

YANBU

Interestingly the decision for your DSD not to participate has had absolutely nothing to do with you. It is her mum (DM?) and dad (DF?) who have made this decision. Your MIL should mind her own business, or just pay for your DSD herself if she’s that bothered.

As for Christmas tell the old bat if she want’s to see her DGC at Christmas then she can get in her car and drive 90 minutes to see them!

Otherwise do your best to ignore her.

I can’t get over the fact that everyone went out at Christmas without you and your kids. Were you living together at the time?

I agree. That's what stood out to me too.

This reminds me of Christmases with my ex up until 2000.
We always had his mother and brother for lunch ( my mum had passed away and my dad preferred to stay in his own house)
They also came to our house for New Year's Eve and I would drive them home.This went on for years.
The last Christmas I said I wanted it just to be the four of us ( two children) and he literally sulked all day.
We split up not long after.
I was too easy going and when I stood up for myself things all changed.
Try to distance yourself and let your partner deal with his family.
It sounds like he is backing you up which is the main thing.

MIL needs to butt out. She shouldn’t be commenting on what goes on in your house. I bet you don’t tell her how to live her life! If she do badly wants the horse riding to happen then she needs to pay

Spend Christmas how you want! Why do you have to play taxi driver? Kick back with the Prosecco, chocolate, TV and wear pyjamas.

Oh and well done on the pay rise!

I ride, and have done from a very young age.

My parents were not wealthy and riding / having ponies was very much at the cost of anything else - I think my only non-horsey hobby between the ages of about 6-18 was Brownies / Guides. I didn't mind, though, because horses were (and continue to be) my life.

As you've discovered, OP, even just riding once a week is a very expensive pastime (wait 'til you start getting badgered for a pony!) so I absolutely do not blame you for not wanting to start paying out more, especially if your DSD has a history of being a bit of a 'hobby butterfly'.

As PPs have said, if the child's parents have both said no, then the decision is made and your MIL needs to back off. Glad to hear that your partner has your back - I think you just need to ride this one out (if you'll pardon the pun).

No we weren’t living together. We had been together quite a while though and it had been talked about by his family around the time we had got together, his plan obvs prior to meeting me was to go by himself with his kids. DP asked if wanted to come but it was the cost aspect for me. In the end I’m glad I didn’t go as not one of them appeared to have enjoyed it!!!

He’s really backed me up!

We have every year gone to his family’s house, everyone gathers at one house, and I’ve found we are rushing through our meal, rushing around cleaning up to get over there at a reasonable time. I’ve driven as I’ve always figured it’s his family and then he gets to have a drink with his siblings etc

But after last year we both agreed we wouldn’t be doing it again - he actually also apologised as he knew that it had also somewhat ruined everyone’s day with our day being completely mapped out to us going over to his family as soon as we possibly could. We had again rushed through our day, our meal and by the time we got there everyone was absolutely bladdered and there was a huge argument (not involving us thank goodness), we made excuses and left at a discrete point soon after though by the time we were home, i was shattered! Didn’t even have the energy for a g&t! Consequently, I’m really looking forward to this Christmas knowing we can all just relax the whole day!

@AmiaterribleDIL you are definitely not being unreasonable BUT it is very difficult growing up with or even just living with family who are essentially a different class to you. Most people don’t have to live with the fact they are too poor to have the nice things they want thrown in their face (not deliberately of course but it’s hard, wealth is usually down to luck to some degree it’s hard to accept when you are unlucky). I can understand why MiL is upset, I bet she’s really upset that her son can’t provide what his child wants but you can for your child.

Is there any reasonable way of resolving it in the medium term? I think it could become hard for the two children over time and ruin it for both of them eventually.

That's not the impression I got from the OP's post at all, more that the DSD has a LOT of hobbies / activities (and maybe doesn't stick to all of them for more than few weeks or months), whereas the OP's DD is fairly committed to one (admittedly very expensive) hobby.

As I mentioned above, I am not from a particularly wealthy background and my parents were very clear in explaining to me that if I wanted to ride and have ponies, that was it: there would be no dancing classes / expensive music tuition / school skiing trips. I made my choice and I had to deal with it.

I don't think this is a class or even particularly a money issue per se, more that the child's parents, knowing their daughter, have decided what they're prepared to spend money on and, in this instance, have said no.

Yes it’s this!

I wouldn’t consider myself a different class just because I earn a little more now - it’s just simply that I can afford to and choose to spend my money on DDs riding. This however means that I have less to spend on other things - such as anything for myself!!!!

DSD has done an awful lot of activities in the past and I do find that she tends to want to do absolutely anything that anyone else is doing. It was only a few weeks ago she came out of school and said ‘x is doing gymnastics so I’m going to start doing gymnastics again’. And likewise, when I started looking at swimming lessons for DD at the beginning of the year, DSD was signed up for them the following week by her Mum. So when she then wanted to do riding when DD started, this ended up with both her parents saying no - huge part of it being the ongoing cost of it and neither parent wanted to bear the brunt of it.

My choice in doing this for my DD shouldn’t be judged by anyone, especially not my MIL, especially when it has been discussed and agreed within our own family unit. And also I shouldn’t be being judged or classed as ‘spoiling’ my DD when I’m buying her things for her riding - for example MIL was at our house when I came home with some of the sticky bum riding tights and boots for DD - spent just under £100 for both items and I’m sure this was judged as her being spoilt but in actual fact, she didn’t have boots prior to this and the tights were to help her not slide off the saddle.

I know this isn’t an issue that will go away overnight, but DP is on my side and I’m standing firm that IANBU

@AmiaterribleDIL oh sorry I read one of your posts as even if she gave all the other activities up they still wouldn’t be able to afford it. If they could afford it and are just making a parenting decision not to let her switch commitments that’s a bit easier. I suppose they could say they will look at it again in a year or something and if she’s still into it maybe they can reconsider? It’s not your problem, but it could become your problem unfortunately of it causes disharmony for the little ones

She's being very weird, unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do about it but the main thing is your DP has your back and you have your DDs.

To be fair much of the costs you are stumping up for are the clothes & safety equipment like helmets. Hopefully this will be a one time cost to get started.

Horse riding has its risks as well. If you did pay for dsd to have riding lessons and she fell off & got injured, would mil let it go?

Enjoy your Christmas at home. Maybe have everyone round on New Year's Day instead.

Riding doesn’t have to be expensive. You can get a lot of stuff second hand, espacially boots for kids. There’s probably a horsepoo Facebook group for your area. Also, Decathlon do decent riding stuff and Aldi also do basics like gloves and jods that are perfectly good.

Obviously hats and body protectors have to be bought new and fitted by someone who knows what they are doing. But if your DD isn’t jumping, imo (lifelong rider and osteopath) it’s better for her not to wear one - they interfere with rider balance, which is what stops you falling off, and when hacking they can stop you turning to eg look for cars behind. If your riding school insists, then ask if they have one you can borrow - most do. They have a duty of care to replace any that are involved in a fall. £200 is expensive for a child’s body protector - I’d shop around.