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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To deeply regret decluttering

118 replies

IWantMyStuffback · 24/09/2022 15:21

I went a bit mad last year and massively decluttered. I got rid of so many things that I regret, I keep remembering everything I donated or sold, as loads of kitchenware and clothes, and books and dvds, hobbies and projects. I donated or freecycled or sold most of it so it's not in landfill but what was I thinking? I loved looking for certain items or bargains and now I don't enjoy that anymore. Is this declutterers remorse? And I don't feel comfortable in a thinned-out house either!

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 24/09/2022 18:29

@IWantMyStuffback

You poor thing! I did a bit of a declutter some 10 years ago when we downsized our home, and got rid of a few things I regretted. But kept lots of stuff that DH wanted me to get rid of - and I was like nope nope nope. (He got rid of lots of stuff, even though I didn't, and regretted it!')

However, when I was a child, (around 12 or 13,) my extended family helped my parents declutter our house as it was being modernised, and they chucked away half my toys I had had since I was 3-8 years old. (while I was at school... they took it to the skips.) I was devastated, and cried for weeks.

About 20-22 years later (in the early to mid noughties,) I managed to get most back through ebay. Not the exact item, but another one the same IYSWIM.

I hope you can get some of your stuff back somehow! Maybe try ebay or amazon for copies/replicas???

As a pp said, a seriously decluttered home isn't for everyone. It's not for me... I love my collectibles, my framed photos, my 100s of CDs, 100s of DVDs, my 100 or so books, masses of beanies, (and a few other soft toys,) multiple dozens of ornaments, (including lots of stuff my parents used to own,) lots of toys from my childhood, and LOADS of DD's toys and clothes, and a large collection of Royal family memorabilia. Also, lots of collectibles from my favourite actors, actresses, and music stars. DH also has quite a lot of collectibles now too.. he bought some back off ebay, (of the stuff he got rid of a decade ago, when he regretted it!)

EmmaH2022 · 24/09/2022 18:32

You have my sympathy OP
My decluttering started out of necessity, living and working from a small flat. I had a couple of goes casually. Then I fell for the line about clutter holding you back - was very feeling very stuck and still do but now know it's not about stuff.

Then I went quite Kondo. Even got rid of some books, things like my theatre programmes which weren't really taking up much space. What was I thinking?! I have even seen a handbag and scarf I loved in the charity shop and nearly rebought them.

My mum was joking about how she could borrow any number of books from me and I almost cried when I said "no, you can't any more".

I feel so sad when I think about it. I obviously try not to think about it but something will remind me and I feel so sad. I should have just got storage boxes and stacked them up to the ceiling if necessary.

And you know all those "just in case" things you think are taking up space, so you got rid? " just in case" did happen and I am so sad about it. Now probably need to spend money on a job interview suit as well.

And it hasn't made cleaning easier. And I still lose things due to absent mindedness. Was totally the wrong approach. I nearly started a thread, so thank you. You are not alone.

If anyone is living in a small space and thinking about this - don't bother. You'll just miss your things in a small space. I needed a new mattress and decided to replace my king size bed with a double. God, I miss that king size bed.

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 18:32

This is a great thread, everyone being helpful & suggesting things, a pleasure to read - & I hope you're ok, OP.

daisychain01 · 24/09/2022 18:34

IWantMyStuffback · 24/09/2022 15:32

I was reading the Christmas threads and remembering that I got rid of some Christmas items as well! It was supposed to make my life easier but I can create a mess in an empty house! Live and learn, I am feeling miserable about it all at the minute though (I know I need to get over it!) Thank you!

I've voted YANBU because it has obviously been an upsetting experience for you, so I'm sad you feel down about it.

When we moved in together, my DH and I donated a whole load of stuff we each had collected or inherited over the years, everything from silverware to clothing, kitchen gadgetry and even a few bits of furniture. Neither of us regretted it because we rationalised it as being stuff, the most important thing was our relationship and it cleared the way to start married life without the vestiges from the past. We both love our family so don't need things to remind us of those feelings.

many people like things as mementos which is totally fine, that's a personal preference, I've probably moved house too many times to get sentimental over things and I prefer "clear decks" as they say.

Greenapplesandpears · 24/09/2022 18:36

Every time i declutter I then need something I’ve got rid of or one of the dc will say ‘where’s that toy from 2006?’ Or my mum will call and say ‘you know your badge collection well there’s a badge in it from 1985 that I was talking to Sheila about and it’s worth a lot can you dig it out for me ?’ 🤦‍♀️

DorritLittle · 24/09/2022 18:41

I am the same OP! Decluttered a lot post-Marie Kondo and have spent a good deal of time and money since getting a lot of it back, ridiculously. I have realised that a minimalist house is not for me, I am too sentimental, but my house does have to be organised for my sanity and I do think there is a balance to be struck between collecting and hoarding.

Movelikewater · 24/09/2022 18:48

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/09/2022 17:18

You've said you're a hoarder (the 'teeny bit' is the giveaway).

It's a natural response to taking steps to reduce the effects of your MH condition. You're uncomfortable because you aren't insulating yourself from unhappy feelings with buying loads of stuff and distracting your eyes and mind with a thousand things to look at and trip over.

It eases once you recognise that it's your disorder trying to pull you back in.

Yes this! 100%! Try to get to the root of what is causing the distress about not having this stuff around anymore. There was an initial impulse to declutter, so at some level you must have known it was a problem.

IWantMyStuffback · 24/09/2022 18:50

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 18:32

This is a great thread, everyone being helpful & suggesting things, a pleasure to read - & I hope you're ok, OP.

I am good, I am just reading and rereading this thread, it really is lovely and I really appreciate all the comments. Thank you to everyone. I want to reply to everyone, but I don't want to bore people with my ramblings! It has helped me to remember some of the reasons why I decluttered in the first place.

I didn't have a lot of things growing up and the idea of seeing something and being able to purchase it was quite special. But then when I had it, I didn't know what to do with it, or wasn't motivated to do anything with it. I liked the idea, but the reality felt burdensome. But not having anything feels worse just now. Like some PP have said I have dealt with the practical element of decluttering, now I need to deal with the emotional side of it.

I am the same with things like audible books - I have 14 or 15 titles on there waiting to be listened to. So now I avoid it altogether (I've paused my membership) I think I need to just focus on me and not stuff! (Even self-help books which I also decluttered and got rid of!) 😁

This thread has given me some ideas to start. It is very helpful!

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 24/09/2022 18:54

DorritLittle · 24/09/2022 18:41

I am the same OP! Decluttered a lot post-Marie Kondo and have spent a good deal of time and money since getting a lot of it back, ridiculously. I have realised that a minimalist house is not for me, I am too sentimental, but my house does have to be organised for my sanity and I do think there is a balance to be struck between collecting and hoarding.

Oh you have got stuff back? I will have to ponder that.

I never had the space or inclination to hoard but I never thought I'd have to part with certain things, and it turns out I shouldn't have it and it's weird. I don't just feel sad thinking about it, I feel angry at myself. Fortunately I did take a few bits to my mum's house instead of the charity shop.

pinkyredrose · 24/09/2022 18:59

I can relate to this especially the whole process of buying things. The hobby stuff I've got that never gets used is definitely staying, i know if i get rid of it it'll be like closing the door to a part of my life.

Marie Kondo can do one.

IWantMyStuffback · 24/09/2022 19:02

@EmmaH2022

Oh wow, you are in the same place as me. The only thing I can say that might help is I did buy all the storage solutions and utilised space like nobody has ever seem. But the stuff still felt intrusive. When I read your post I felt that you are in exactly the same place as me, but I also felt that maybe it will end up being the right thing for both of us? Maybe? I have always sought out comfort too much. I know that's a problem of mine. I keep thinking now that what I need isn't to be comfortable, it's to be uncomfortable and get out of my safe zone. Easier said than done though. I don't know if that makes sense. But I am definitely more uncomfortable at the minute!

Sorry about your bed! That would really be a sore one!

And I hope you do need to buy a new interview suit and it goes well!

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 24/09/2022 19:05

I'm another who likes Dana K White's "A Slob Comes Clean" podcasts. She just comes across as a kind , humane person and is very easy to listen to. The psychology behind clutter is very interesting. I'm working at things at the moment and really struggling with getting rid of the never - used "life enhancement" things I spent (far too much) good money on- more so than on the things I did use but no longer fit or I have a better one or whatever. It's not so much the sunk cost fallacy as the admitting I am not likely to ever to do the thing.

I cheer myself up by imaging that somebody else might be delighted to get a good bargain and get great use out of something that has basically been "landfill, but in my house" for years.

Boxowine · 24/09/2022 19:06

I've only regretted get rid of a few things. The vast majority of stuff I have never missed once it was gone.

I have trouble letting go of clothing. I have to let it "rest" for several days or weeks after sorting before actually getting rid of it.

I am working on not buying things or acquiring things. I had to quit all of the Facebook marketplace groups because I found myself decluttering all of the things I had picked up that way.

You don't have to get rid of all the things you want but you should try controlling what you want or how much you want. If that makes sense.

Minimalme · 24/09/2022 19:07

Is it possible that stuff = security = comfort for you op?

So it isn't the actual items you miss, but the security of having stuff?

I got rid of 80% of my stuff and there is not a single item I regret. I felt weighed down and depressed by the responsibility of it all.

BluOcty · 24/09/2022 19:28

I used to do that a lot too - maintain a possible future 'one day' when I'd be organised, and slim and sociable and on top of everything, the way I thought I 'should' be.

It was really helpful (and quite hard) to stop that habit and try to have self acceptance. Here I am right now, and I am good enough. The future will bring whatever it will bring.

reader12 · 24/09/2022 19:35

OP it sounds like you just need to process the emotional side of accumulating and then getting rid of stuff. Have a look at this site www.spaceclear.com - I’m doing her “a year to clear” course on the Daily OM website for the second time and it’s really helping with that. She doesn’t advocate a particular method, just goes into the emotional stuff behind it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/09/2022 19:36

Glad what I said resonated with you.

Here's a suggestion for dealing with the 'loss of intention'.

You had unused gym equipment and wanted to nurture yourself cooking things (that were healthy as well as tasty?). And you wanted to listen to audio books.

A £20 Puregym membership gives you a place and equipment for no more than £5 weekly, just a bit over a pound a visit, where you can have time for yourself. You have access to rowing machines, treadmills, ellipticals, weights, cycles at any time, where you can go there, put your earbuds in and listen to those audiobooks whilst you do something that actively does something good for your health, both physical and emotional. You're not looking at other abandoned projects, tripping over stuff or having to lift three washloads of clothes off the machines to use them. You can just stay there and zone out of the everyday things you were actively trying to distract yourself from with your planning and searching and shopping.

All you need to go there is a comfortable pair of leggings/trackies, a sports bra, top, cheapy trainers (as you don't need expensive ones for rowing, cycling or weights), water bottle, padlock, phone, earbuds, keys. So you're travelling light, you don't need to buy hundreds of expensive things and find space for stuff in your home.

You've now made time to care for yourself, you've had time to listen to your latest book, you've done something that will make you feel less twitchy, satisfied your head's 'RUN AWAY!' instinct that was misfiring into 'freeze in one place, barricade the doors with stuff' by doing something your body and head thinks was 'well, you ran away, the threat's gone, time to relax now' and you'll start feeling the good effects of being stronger/fitter very quickly. And it's outside. You'll get fresh air, sight of something other than the four walls and Stuff (or absence of Stuff), daylight and time without anybody demanding anything of you whatsoever.

This means you've decluttered your head of a whole load of things, your phone of an unlistened to audiobook, a restless body, and the feeling that you need to do something to fill a space you can't quite identify inside you.

And when you come home, you're not as likely to be craving baking cakes or fancy things, you'll be wanting to have things that taste fresh and light and nourishing. So the unnecessary kitchen equipment is gone. You didn't need it. You're hungry and don't need anything beyond something nice to eat, rather than having to find some space, wash things up, find the bits and pieces in the back of cupboards, go through complicated processes, give up halfway through and eat any old thing, then dump the cluttery bits all over the kitchen, thus making it less likely you'll want to spend any time in there next meal.

Most of all, it's giving you an escape that is utterly for you and your benefit.

Could it be worth a try?

BertieBotts · 24/09/2022 19:44

I don't know if ADHD info is useful to you but I found this podcast I listened to the other day really helpful - it goes through the definitions of hoarding and the reasons why people get into hoarding behaviour, and I realised that although I do have some aspects of the hoarding mindset, I definitely don't have hoarding disorder (which is a bit of a relief Grin)

www.additudemag.com/webinar/what-is-hoarding-adhd-clutter/

I've also been decluttering a lot recently and listening to Dana K White's stuff and she keeps insisting it's easier to keep less stuff clean and you'll find your clutter threshold, and I was totally on board with that and then I had this realisation one day that I end up in a gigantic mess when I'm in hospital with DC, I end up in a gigantic mess living out of a suitcase on holiday. Less stuff isn't actually likely to help me. Yes, getting rid of the actual useless stuff probably will, but I don't need to get rid of every single thing, it probably won't help me stay any neater. Routines and pre-made decisions might help with that.

Notcontent · 24/09/2022 20:10

I think that when you declutter there is always a risk that you will regret getting rid of something. I had a big clear out a while ago and there are a few things I regret getting rid of - but overall it was still worth it!

SquirrelSoShiny · 24/09/2022 20:37

@BertieBotts that was the webinar I saw too and it really resonated! 😁

EmmaH2022 · 24/09/2022 20:49

Bertie "Routines and pre-made decisions might help with that."

I should write this on the wall.

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 22:40

I moved from a large house to a small one. Eldest daughter's bought me a couple of decluttering self help books. Wish I could declutter those bloody things, but she might notice! ;-)

ancientgran · 25/09/2022 11:07

@loislovesstewie, @Bordesleyhills and @Eeksteek

Nice to know it isn't just me. It makes me depressed, I don't want people to come to the house although I keep the "public" areas clear it still oppresses me. Currently his stuff is overflowing into the kitchen and I know we are going to end up in a row when I insist it goes.

The thing I hate is he hordes all this stuff as you never know when you will need it but you can be sure if you need it he can't find it. We then end up going to a shop to buy another one but he isn't really happy with one so he buys a spare. Now we have 3 of them in the house but next time we need them we won't find them and so it goes on.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 25/09/2022 11:37

mamabear715 · 24/09/2022 22:40

I moved from a large house to a small one. Eldest daughter's bought me a couple of decluttering self help books. Wish I could declutter those bloody things, but she might notice! ;-)

I would 100% declutter those if you don’t want them.
If someone gives me a gift I don’t want or won’t use I say thank you and then I pass it on.

LetMeSpeak · 25/09/2022 11:41

You should’ve got a shed or a unit to put all your stuff in, so you can get it when needed. I just cater to my cluterness.