To deeply regret decluttering

[IWantMyStuffback]

I went a bit mad last year and massively decluttered. I got rid of so many things that I regret, I keep remembering everything I donated or sold, as loads of kitchenware and clothes, and books and dvds, hobbies and projects. I donated or freecycled or sold most of it so it's not in landfill but what was I thinking? I loved looking for certain items or bargains and now I don't enjoy that anymore. Is this declutterers remorse? And I don't feel comfortable in a thinned-out house either!

I was a hoarder, I’m married to a hoarder with 3 hoarder children

we moved house during the summer. Luckily we moved into our house while having the old one, so I’ve tried to be very sensible about what we’ve brought and most things have had a place before they came.

i read an excellent book during the summer, where she promoted - a container for everything and once it’s filled it’s time to stop not buy more storage … concept - so I’ve brought 2 boxes of bugs to the shed and stuff like that

and you can keep anything, just not everything was another motto I’m trying to follow.

the peace of not moving piles is great though, but I’m still unpacking the final boxes of books etc

OP, you've been honest enough to admit that the items you feel you are missing at the moment are ones that you did not actually use but were related to improving/enhancing your lifestyle. Is it possible that you feel your lifestyle is still not improved/enhanced despite the decluttering? Did you think the act of decluttering would make the difference?

If there is an element of your life that you are not happy with, then you can probably work on that without purchasing an item first. It does sound as if you've done a fabulous job with the decluttering.

My sister once decluttered all the bowls out of a holiday home the family share! She didn't eat cereal so out they went - not thinking that actually the kids all did, and that bowls are useful for loads of other foods...(she's a shrink, but not very practical)!
So there's getting rid of stuff that is cluttering up our homes and minds to create a calm, easier to care for environment, and there's going OTT and just thinking everything must go but one plate per person etc. (this same sister once told me my six year old daughter didn't need her collection of stuffed animals, that just one would do - no kids herself of course).
I agree with pp that you've done the physical work now you need to do the mental work. Try to embrace the feeling of having less 'stuff'. Do not go out and restock all the things you've just worked so hard to get rid of!

Is it really about the stuff?
or are there some feelings hidden behind the thoughts of the stuff that could be unpacked - maybe with the help of a professional.

I use to be terrible for buying stuff for the life I thought I should have E.g. fancy bakeware, beautiful uncomfortable shoes, a certain look, nail varnish when I never paint my nails really etc. I also had stuff I thought I should have because other people had it.

Now I just have what I need and use and what is comfortable. I’m converted. I’d rather have a little house and spare money than a big house full of stuff and bigger bills.

It helped to see things as sunk cash I.e the money had already gone when I bought it and the piece has no value anymore (which means it much easier to pass on and also it means I don’t think I should get &50 for something because of an emotional attachment I have rather than just understanding that market value isn’t what someone lists it for on eBay - it’s what someone actually is willing to pay for it and how easy it is to find that person.)

If I’m feeling a bit off about things I listen to The Minimalists, Dana K White, The Minimal Mom, Joshua Becker and Cass “clutterbug” on YouTube. Lol.

@ancientgran you have my sympathy. This is exactly the situation that we were in. I have said on another thread that I ended up with anxiety because of the sheer amount of stuff that my late husband collected. To him it was a security blanket, to me it was claustrophobic to be surrounded by stuff
I do genuinely miss him, but I don't miss the stuff.

I'm travelling to my childhood home in a couple of weeks and will have 10 days to get rid of anything that is mine or prepare to ship it to the UK. I've asked my nieces if they want my wedding dress as otherwise is will go to a charity shop. 100% cotton Laura Ashley so they could chop it up and dye it orange for a Cyndi Lauper look for all I care.

My current thought is that I haven't needed anything for 30 years so get rid. The only things I will be looking to bring to the UK will be things of my mom's that I love. Scarves, tea cups, all very packable.

Should add I think it will be very liberating and will help me declutter even more junk when I get back here.

I bined lots of estee lauder sample size bottles of foundation after reading it can go off , but on youtube some bloggers have some foundations for years, I must of had around 15 bottles, never could find a good match for my skin.

I know just how you feel… my father is a hoarder too and drives me crazy not a hoarder but I will keep things. Husband brought stuff with him- dinning room became a dumping ground. I’ve been to the tip…

I regret the things that I bought with the intention of improving my lifestyle but never used and they were just taunting me with their presence, like gym equipment or painting sets or diy manuals or evening dresses that I never wore.

So maybe it's not so much that you regret getting rid of the stuff itself. It's that getting rid of it has made you confront the reality of the fact that you didn't live up to the promises you made to yourself to 'improve' yourself. And therefore it's probably regret and guilt over buying those things that you then never used.

While they were still sitting there unused in your house, you could still pretend to yourself that you'd actually get around to that self-improvement activity one day. By getting rid, you've admitted 'failure'.

Except it's not failure! You don't have to improve yourself by jumping onto whatever the latest fad is. Instead why not make peace with your actual current self (and your less cluttered house!). There's no need to make yourself do hobbies you don't actually really want to do!

This is interesting, Im a hoarder in the throws of decluttering and every single thing I watched or person I spoke to says they regret less than 1% of the stuff they gave away and that regret was only practical (not having a wire for x when you realise you need it then having to replace it).

I have already got ride of some old clothes, lots of shoes, old towels... so far no regret, I need to get to a point where I can actually function.

My main issue is clothes, I have never decluttered clothes before so have about 20 years worth and I can no longer see the forest for the trees (or more to the point find my knickers amongst the pairs of jeans that are 2 sizes too small).

I do declutter but the stuff I get rid of is actual useless stuff. I like things. I like having things to look at. It makes me happy. I stayed in a minimalist home (visiting a relative) and by the end of the week I genuinely felt depressed! I came home and just felt huge relief to be in my colourful home full of nice things!

I don't have "piles" of anything anywhere. Everything has a place. But to some others, yes they would call it "clutter". I feel for you OP. You got swept along in this trend thinking you were doing the right thing. Everyone says how wonderful and freeing it is to have very few possessions. I guess for them it is, but it isn't for everyone. I know 100% it's not for me. At least there are things that you're glad are gone. But personally I don't think you should keep living that way if you don't actually like it. I'm not saying go out and replace everything, but don't feel you can't have anything.

Can I tentatively recommend two resources that might help you figure out your relationship to your belongings and to mess?

Cas Asrssen has a website called clutterbug which looks at the idea that people organise in different ways, and when you find your type, it becomes easier to stay tidy. For me it was a big part of the how you manage my stuff puzzle.

The second is Dana K White from A Slob Comes Clean - she has a blog, podcasts, you tube and books. Her book “How to Manage your home without losing your Mind” is brilliant. She is a decluttering expert but not remotely ruthless or bossy - it’s more about finding places for everything and gently discovering what you don’t need. It’s a judgement free approach and much more realistic than some of the Netflix show types. She talks about how her mother can handle massive amounts of things in a way that she can’t - her approach is about getting to a comfortable balance not minimalism for the sake of it.

Feel free to ignore of course if you’re feeling done with internet gurus!

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I’ve 20 years of clothes that will probably never fit again, so I’ve allowed myself 1 box . It’s amazing when you look at them, most of them are out of style but I’ve kept one box of nice stuff.

I’ve kept one box of baby/kids stuff for the 3 kids etc. we’ve a huge attic in the new house with easy access too, so have put in a storage system up there

my biggest thing is board games and cook books which I have to declutter - probably have about 50 of each 🤯 but have less shelving in my new kitchen

I did get a skip when my husband died. I still have more ‘stuff’ than average, but over the years I have really found my zone. I definitely tended to hoard craft supplies and books, but didn’t have time to craft, so I bought more because it made me a crafty person. Only it didn’t, did it? Now I do have more time to craft, I’m much less driven to acquire craft stuff! I reduced most of my supplies to about 40% and now I can display them, which makes me very happy. I still have some way to go, but I am happier for it. It took time to come to terms with who I was, not who I wasn’t and the biggest thing was being happier and more fulfilled in other areas of my life. The stuff was trying to make up for something I wasn’t, but wanted to be. I had to look elsewhere and fix the wider problems. Perhaps you need to think if what the stuff meant for you, and see how you can meet the need with what you have? We are rarely not the person we want to be because we don’t have the right stuff.

We have just about come out of the toy years, and into the teen ones. The difference in the house is ASTONISHING. I have ruthlessly decluttered, and have only two regrets. One is a dress I would have worn a lot now, and the other I can’t actually remember now. I have very slowly and gradually learnt that stuff doesn’t make me happy. It makes me overwhelmed, and I don’t use the stuff I have, and that makes me unhappy, so I buy more. That doesn’t mean I don’t want things, I very much do, but I needed to be bit more holistic and a lot more mindful in my approach.

Mostly, I regret the money spent. I’m broke now, and so much money was spent things I just didn’t need and then gave away. (Obviously being broke really helps to stop one acquiring more, too. Wish I could find a good middle ground, there! Time will tell)

OP stuff is so easy to accumulate! More will come, if that is what you want,

It's interesting that you say you regret the stuff you bought to encourage you to live in a way you never lived. Didn;t that stuff reproach you when it was around? or did it suggest that one day you might...? Are you thinking that rebuying it will make you do what the stuff never actually nudged you to do when it was taking up space? Could you reframe that desire by booking atcivities. Instead of buying an evening gown, go to a tea-dancing class. Instead of buying paints, go to a class where materials are included. Instead of gym gear, go to a body weight bootcamp where all you need is a teeshirt, pair of leggings, trainers and your own body!

Did you declutter because you felt overwhelmed by stuff? If so, remember that too was a negative feeling, just like your regret is a negative feeling.Our house is horribly cluttered - DH is actually a hoarder. I sometimes secretly throw out old newspapers and ancient clothes etc that he'll never wear agin (not vintage ones, just crap) because the rooms he has taken over are actually disgusting - chaotic and dusty. I too have too much stuff. I want to get rid of it, there just never seems to be time to sort through it all.

There will be regret and there will be mistakes. But i don't think declutter regret is stronger or more genuine than the regret of living in a home so cluttered you can't clean or organise it, or where you buy six versions of the same thing because you can't find the original. Or its replacement.

And on the bright side - be glad you got rid of the baking stuff!± heating an oven is so expensive now, loads of people have stopped baking. It was on the news.

You did the right thing getting rid of it.

My parents are horders. I've warned them and my siblings I'm taking a match to it all when they go. They think I'm joking

I’m interested in the things you regret getting rid of. If they cost thousands, hopefully you sold them and got the cash.

What sort of regrets though...

I regretted selling a load of card making stuff when I needed to make someone a card and had nothing to hand - but it was a fleeting thing, I bought a card, I got over it.

However, whilst I don't knit or spin or weave all year round, I do it in fits and starts and mainly in winter - I do know for a fact that being ABLE to do something, even if I have no intention of doing it just now, makes me feel somehow calmer, safer, just... better. So I won't be selling the spinning wheel or the loom just because I haven't used them since January.

I really really LOVE the fact I can sit down to do something, and the things I need to do that thing are there so really my issue is tidying and organising things better so they have a place to be put away and a place to be used in.

As someone else said... not everyone is meant to be a minimalistic sort of person, I think those bare barren minimal homes look very nice, but very empty - great if you're at work all day, if you go out a lot, if you're home for the odd meal, tv program and bed, fine.

If like me you're at home 24/7, rarely go out, and like to be busy, then thats not fine!

So many messages and such helpful ones as well, thank you to everyone for your comments!

@EveningOverRooftops I do feel like I have lost the hope that things will get better if that makes sense. In the past I saw something that I thought might make me feel better, and bought it but it never did. Then I thought I need clear space to think and decluttered but that didn't help either! I am wary of buying anything now, it feels like I admitted failure by decluttering and getting rid of stuff, and buying now will both make the decluttering a failure (as well as create another problem of too much stuff). I need to find the right focus!

@NoSquirrels That's interesting, the reasons why I bought the items still feel valid. I want more than what my life offers, I bought stuff to help fix that, but it didn't help and "the stuff" became the problem so I decluttered to clear my head and now I don't know really? If the items weren't the problem then I am the problem! I don't know. I regret the wine glasses because I have had people over and we don't have any, and I need to buy more but it feels like failure to replace stuff? When I was getting rid of them it felt like we hadn't used them in an eternity and my DH doesn't drink alcohol. That was a late-stage decision. I was tired and making rash decisions. I had already got rid of gin and sherry glasses (I don't even drink gin or sherry! - I don't regret them going!)

@NeverDropYourMooncup I do feel that I am no longer insulated from life by buying things, I think I used to spend so much time considering a purchase, buying the purchase, finding a place to store the purchase and then learning how to take care of it... that was one of the things that made me declutter because I recognised all that effort for little reward. But now I don't do that, when I get interested in something I tend not to give into the spiral, and I feel a bit bereaved by it. I don't want to buy something I will just declutter anyway! But I do feel like I've lost a coping method or something? But I need to work out how I needed it in the first place. It's interesting that you saying it's pulling me back in. Because that's what it feel like! Thank you for your wise words!

Do you have ADHD? The hobbies and gym stuff sounds familiar to me lol. ADHD Cluttering is slightly different from standard hoarding. I still haven't figured out the balance yet.

if you want a collection of something go for quality not quantity a room will look much better with the 6 best examples than 20 run of the mill ones . That would work if the reason for collecting was to enhance the decor. I’m not convinced that’s why people collect