What DH and I have argued about this week

[Workingmumma86]

DH and I have been arguing a lot this week. It's starting to get to the point where I'm wondering what the point is. Below are some of the arguments we've had.

For reference DH works shifts so has been on nights this week which I appreciate are hard, but when he's spending upwards of 12 hours in bed all day and I'm doing everything round the house it takes a toll on both of us!

1. I finished work at 5.07pm instead of 5pm as I was on a call which ran over. I then dared go log on a bit later when he was getting ready for work to finish something off
2. I didn't come out of the office area to work in the living room when he came down for lunch as I was using the 2 screens and was expecting a call
3. I haven't done as much washing as I should have done this week as I can't use the washing machine when he's trying to sleep (which is pretty much from 5am - 9pm)
4. Youngest DC (15 months) was poorly this week (temperature) so home from nursery for 2 days. When he got upset as he was feeling poorly I reacted too quickly by picking him up and putting him on lap and trying to work at the same time
5. I sat on the floor playing with youngest instead of sitting on the sofa cuddling dh
6. When I did sit on the sofa and give dh a cuddle dc got upset and wanted to join us. He couldn't climb up so started crying. I left dc for a couple of minutes and he got really upset to the point of hyperventilating so I picked him up to sit with us and dh got in a mood and went and sat in another room for an hour.

I'm just feeling drained by the constant petty arguing!

He sounds awful.

Does he spend 12 hours in bed when he’s on days ?

That sounds awful for you.

How do you cope being married to a man child?
I wouldn't argue, I just wouldn't engage with that behaviour.

Does he have to work shifts? Why is there an expectation he needs a full 12 hours sleep after a shift? Do you sleep 12 hours a night? Does anybody? Do you only have the one child? Do you work full time.

Not too sure what you want out of this post. He's clearly being unreasonable and the current working pattern doesn't work for your family. I'd talk about it. Outsource what you can to make your lives easier. It's the getting annoyed or 'jealous' over your 15 month old that I don't like. A 15 month old is very much still a baby and of course his or her needs come before a grown adults who can take care of himself.

So he is the only important person in your house then? What a twat.

The problem is that you are married to a horrible man. Sorry. You deserve a happier life than this. Took me a long time to leave exH and your post took me straight back to how miserable it was! Don't be me and keep wasting years hoping for improvement.

He sounds insecure and needy. I think a chat to try and understand whether there is something feeding this behaviour might help

I just don’t really get it, why are you allowing him to dictate all this.

Wow why is he sleeping 16 hours (5am-9pm??)?? When does he see his kids/you? With all that rest he should be a joy in the presumably tiny moments he sees you. Sounds like misery OP, I’m sorry!

No, only on nights as he finds it hard to sleep after nights. I've asked him on more than one occasion to come off nights but he refuses

I always wonder what the other person's synopsis would be. Not saying you're wrong but it would be interesting to hear his version of events to see where you can resolve, if you want to of course. I can't imagine he would paint himself in such an unfavourable light so he must think he's right in some regard. Again not saying he is, just that there's two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

He's not asleep all that time but he generally stay in bed to 'try' and sleep all that time.

On nights he doesn't really see me or the kids and I do all the drop offs and pick ups etc

We have 2, a 15 month old and 6 year old

I work full time, team leader role, 2 days office, 3 wfh. He also thinks that as I wfh I should be spending those days doing housework in-between answering an odd email!

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells with him which must be exhausting. Marriage counselling?

Has he always been a total twat? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

He sounds like a self centred bully?

These aren't petty arguments imo. Fundamental issues.

Wow. He’s an arse, you’d be better off on your own. At least the washing would get done whenever you wanted.

Honestly? He's chosen to do nights because it suits him to leave the donkey work to you. Him getting into a huff because you'd rather deal with an upset child than sit hugging him on the sofa is a bit of a warning sign to me - is this pettiness new, or of long-standing?

The good news is that you have a job. You are already doing the nursery/ school runs anyway. Does not sound like he is bringing much to the partnership apart from picking childish arguments. Think about what your life might be like were you to separate. Probably the same amount (or less if he has the kids for some of the time) work for you but without him jealously trying to control everything you are doing to his liking

He also thinks that as I wfh I should be spending those days doing housework in-between answering an odd email!

Who put him in charge? What does he not understand about wfh - ie that you have to actually work?

You’re not arguing. He’s abusing you.

How much night shift does he do? What's he like on the week's he is day shifts, or days off? What is his bond like with your child?

Sorry op 💐

He sounds like a lazy shit who is treating you like a door mat. He has no respect for you or your life. The way he acts regarding your children is horrible.

You would be better off single and enjoying life.

LTB

Don't waste energy trying to mediate. Your 'D' H is not a loving partner, leave him and I bet your life gets easier not harder.

That’s not petty - it sounds like abuse. I wouldn’t tolerate even one of those things

In these sorts of marriages it is not difficult to imagine leaving, because the to do list won't grow, and he doesn't seem to be contributing enough for that to be missed.