My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

What DH and I have argued about this week

96 replies

Workingmumma86 · 24/09/2022 07:24

DH and I have been arguing a lot this week. It's starting to get to the point where I'm wondering what the point is. Below are some of the arguments we've had.

For reference DH works shifts so has been on nights this week which I appreciate are hard, but when he's spending upwards of 12 hours in bed all day and I'm doing everything round the house it takes a toll on both of us!

  1. I finished work at 5.07pm instead of 5pm as I was on a call which ran over. I then dared go log on a bit later when he was getting ready for work to finish something off
  2. I didn't come out of the office area to work in the living room when he came down for lunch as I was using the 2 screens and was expecting a call
  3. I haven't done as much washing as I should have done this week as I can't use the washing machine when he's trying to sleep (which is pretty much from 5am - 9pm)
  4. Youngest DC (15 months) was poorly this week (temperature) so home from nursery for 2 days. When he got upset as he was feeling poorly I reacted too quickly by picking him up and putting him on lap and trying to work at the same time
  5. I sat on the floor playing with youngest instead of sitting on the sofa cuddling dh
  6. When I did sit on the sofa and give dh a cuddle dc got upset and wanted to join us. He couldn't climb up so started crying. I left dc for a couple of minutes and he got really upset to the point of hyperventilating so I picked him up to sit with us and dh got in a mood and went and sat in another room for an hour.


I'm just feeling drained by the constant petty arguing!
OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
1%
You are NOT being unreasonable
99%
StacyNotGavin · 24/09/2022 08:53

It sounds incredibly difficult. He does need to change to days so you have a more normal life. He might be a nicer person if he gets some normal sleep and enjoys being part of the family again. I had to cover a friend who worked nights for a month and it was awful. I just turned into a bit of grump. Surely he can change for the good of your family.

Report
notalwaysalondoner · 24/09/2022 09:08

Sounds like a couple of issues, one not so serious and one serious.

  1. He doesn’t understand your job. I’m guessing if he’s on shift work he doesn’t have a desk based job, so probably doesn’t quite “get” why you can’t clock off exactly at 5, why you might need two screens, that calls aren’t flexible. This isn’t easy to address as you can tell him but he still won’t really get it unless he experiences it. But he’ll just have to get used to it. I’d breezily reply “sorry, that’s just how my job works” and move on.
  2. He is jealous of your DC getting attention instead of him. This is awful. A lot of men have small feelings of jealousy with a new baby but it sounds like you have multiple DC and not at the baby stage, and a healthy attitude would be to recognise these feelings and not act on them, not to have an argument because he wants a cuddle. No real advice here…
Report
YesitsJacqueline · 24/09/2022 09:12

They are not arguments my love they are him trying to control you.

Report
KM99 · 24/09/2022 09:13

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 07:50

You’re not arguing. He’s abusing you.

Exactly this. He's finding any and every excuse to find fault with you. I'm also astounded how long he stays in bed after night shift.

Does he do much when he's not working or does all the load fall to you?

Report
Workingmumma86 · 24/09/2022 09:20

Thank you everyone for the replies. Not sure what I expected from this post just needed to vent.

To add a few other comments:

He goes to football for all home games of his team (and some away days) I support this but means most weekends I'm on my own with both children running around to activities etc

There was a homif something e game mid week this week (the day dc was sent home poorly! ) despite dc being ill and me trying to juggle childcare and work there was no mention of him not going to the game (so leaving at 6pm) and then going to work

When he is on days he will cook dinner but that's about it and pick up the eldest dc. I'm then expected to clear up after dinner etc.

If something is not cleared away properly or a sink is a bit dirty ghe comment will be made about cleaning up as I go, despite the fact we both live here so he could clean it up just as easily as me!

OP posts:
Report
GabriellaMontez · 24/09/2022 09:46

Do you have weekends away?Days in bed?criticise his cleaning or cooking?

No? These aren't arguments. He's grinding you doen with constant criticism whilst doing fuck all. Just leave him.

Report
ZombieMumEB · 24/09/2022 09:56

Op this isnt a couple arguing. This is a husband abusing his wife.

He sounds really really controlling. He tries to control when you work, how you work, how you parent, when you do housework, how and when you show him affection....he is literally trying to control every tiny aspect of your life, most of which is nothing to do with him. I mean who has a go at someone for finishing a call and working 7 minutes over time! What kind of person is jealous if their partner cuddles their own child instead of them?

100% this!

Report
louderthan · 24/09/2022 11:48

God I'm so fucking sick of reading posts like this. Makes me so angry. I've been single for ages and am starting to feel invisible and lonely but I'd honestly rather be single for the rest of my life than put up with this shite 24/7.
Please think about getting rid of him OP. He won't change and you're worth so much more.

Report
Quartz2208 · 24/09/2022 11:53

Yes they arent arguments they are him not liking perfectly normal decisions that you have made.

What makes you stay?

Report
billy1966 · 24/09/2022 11:54

Shit husband and shit father.

He is a lazy avoidant parent who works nights to do as little as possible.

He is one of life's wasters.

This is your life until you choose otherwise.

So sorry for you.

Report
blockpavingismynightmare · 24/09/2022 12:00

The problem with marriages like this is that you tolerate something until it becomes the norm and acceptable since you did not nip it in the bud... life becomes a drudge for one partner who complains all the time about her lot to a husband who does not care and will not change.
Why should you have to live with someone who doers not listen to you and expects you to be his mum?
Sanctions. Sanctions until he wakes up and then even more sanctions until he makes changes or it will always always be like this

Report
KangarooKenny · 24/09/2022 12:01

You should be doing equal house work, child care and hobby time

Report
catandcoffee · 24/09/2022 12:07

Being jealous of your own children...christ I have no words 😦

Report
Darbs76 · 24/09/2022 12:11

Sorry the line would be crossed for me that he’s jealous of attention his own child is getting - pathetic

Report
Mojoj · 24/09/2022 12:14

I wonder why he's refusing to give up working at night..? Oh, I know. He sounds like a typical man child. Posts like yours just remind me why I'm so happy being single. Good luck.

Report
Midlifemusings · 24/09/2022 12:20

If you were to present your OP list to him, would he agree that yes, those were issues for him and you have it right about what upset him and led to the arguments?

I would start with that to be sure there aren't some communication, resentment, dynamics issues at play. If he agrees that yes, he needs to be prioritized over DC, and you can't log on, and he needs to be in bed from 5am to 9pm while you manage the house....you have big problems. The underlying issues then aren't petty at all.

Report
ManateeFair · 24/09/2022 12:23

CatGrins · 24/09/2022 07:35

I always wonder what the other person's synopsis would be. Not saying you're wrong but it would be interesting to hear his version of events to see where you can resolve, if you want to of course. I can't imagine he would paint himself in such an unfavourable light so he must think he's right in some regard. Again not saying he is, just that there's two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

Struggling to see how his side of ‘I was angry with my my wife because logged off from homeworking at 5.07 instead of 5 because her call overran’ or ‘my wife doesn’t do enough washing for me while working full time, but I will also not allow washing during daylight hours or do any myself’ would be especially revelatory to be honest

Report
ddl1 · 24/09/2022 12:26

Sounds like you've got two kids under 2, as well as your probably more mature 6-year-old.

Report
Blueuggboots · 24/09/2022 13:08

I work nights. I sleep from 7.15-1 each day between my night shifts and then get up and do household chores. Sometimes I might go back to bed for an hour in the afternoon, but not often.

Guess what? I manage perfectly well on this amount of sleep.

He's a twat.

Report
Rowen32 · 24/09/2022 13:35

Those aren't arguments, that's him bullying you for the most ridiculous of things - tell him to grow up or leg it..

Report
diddl · 24/09/2022 13:47

He also thinks that as I wfh I should be spending those days doing housework in-between answering an odd email!

From a guy who spends 16 fucking hours in bed!

Nights must be hard, I can't imagine, but instead of spending so many hours trying to sleep he could do some housework before going to bed!

5. I sat on the floor playing with youngest instead of sitting on the sofa cuddling dh
6. When I did sit on the sofa and give dh a cuddle dc got upset and wanted to join us. He couldn't climb up so started crying. I left dc for a couple of minutes and he got really upset to the point of hyperventilating so I picked him up to sit with us and dh got in a mood and went and sat in another room for an hour.

I'm embarrassed for him.

Well, as you say-what's the point of him?

Report
ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 24/09/2022 14:57

@CatGrins no need to get pissy at me. Of course he thinks he's right. Everyone always does. No-one acts in a way that they know is unreasonable, they just talk themselves into justifying shitty selfish behaviour, whether that's in regards to sharing the load, being unfaithful, being out every weekend doing a hobby or whatever. I just can't see how his justification would go that could in any way come across as sympathetic.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/09/2022 15:01

So he can go to a football match then work but he can't get up with time to help do anything around the house on other days.

He' an arsehole, OP.

For comparison, my DH also does nights in a fairly manual job and he gets home as we are getting up for school/work. He makes me a cup of tea, takes DD to school then goes to bed until about 3:30/4pm. Gets up, has a coffee and puts a washing on (clothes washing is his job, I wash the non-dishwasher dishes). Has dinner with us when I get home, I pick up DD from childminder.

On his dayshift or days off he vacuums, will empty/stack the dishwasher, tidy up, do other washings...or in other words, is an actual partner in our relationship and has as much responsibility around the house as I do.

Report
NoSquirrels · 24/09/2022 15:04

He sounds like an utter bellend. How do you stand it?

Report
NoSquirrels · 24/09/2022 15:04

What’s the advantages of living with him?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.