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AIBU?

What DH and I have argued about this week

96 replies

Workingmumma86 · 24/09/2022 07:24

DH and I have been arguing a lot this week. It's starting to get to the point where I'm wondering what the point is. Below are some of the arguments we've had.

For reference DH works shifts so has been on nights this week which I appreciate are hard, but when he's spending upwards of 12 hours in bed all day and I'm doing everything round the house it takes a toll on both of us!

  1. I finished work at 5.07pm instead of 5pm as I was on a call which ran over. I then dared go log on a bit later when he was getting ready for work to finish something off
  2. I didn't come out of the office area to work in the living room when he came down for lunch as I was using the 2 screens and was expecting a call
  3. I haven't done as much washing as I should have done this week as I can't use the washing machine when he's trying to sleep (which is pretty much from 5am - 9pm)
  4. Youngest DC (15 months) was poorly this week (temperature) so home from nursery for 2 days. When he got upset as he was feeling poorly I reacted too quickly by picking him up and putting him on lap and trying to work at the same time
  5. I sat on the floor playing with youngest instead of sitting on the sofa cuddling dh
  6. When I did sit on the sofa and give dh a cuddle dc got upset and wanted to join us. He couldn't climb up so started crying. I left dc for a couple of minutes and he got really upset to the point of hyperventilating so I picked him up to sit with us and dh got in a mood and went and sat in another room for an hour.


I'm just feeling drained by the constant petty arguing!
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
1%
You are NOT being unreasonable
99%
GiantTortoise · 24/09/2022 08:05

He sounds like a nasty husband and a horrible father.

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GetItOffYourChest · 24/09/2022 08:05

He sounds like a real treasure, OP

You'll have a much easier time of it if you kick him out

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frazzledasarock · 24/09/2022 08:10

How does he make life easier for you?

I don’t care about ‘his side’ a man who demands you do the wash but bake you from running the wash during daytime isn’t worth I’d bother with with.
He hates you interacting and comforting your children. Would he have preferred that you let your toddler become hysterical and harder to console before moving to comfort him? That would have disrupted your work.

he sounds like he wants you to fail at work and have a bad relationship with your kids.

dump the loser. You’ll have one less dead weight pulling you under when you’re juggling a job, children and maintaining a household on your own.

what’s the point of having him around?

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Despairingof · 24/09/2022 08:12

Is sounds like your life would be much easier without him in it?

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youagainomg · 24/09/2022 08:13

So he spends half a day in bed most likely not sleeping, gets jealous over his own child and doesn't help around the house.

I think you know what to do OP.

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Yupsuuuure · 24/09/2022 08:15

He's jealous of you paying attention to the baby.

What's he actually for? He's a terrible husband and father.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2022 08:17

Fucking hell, he’s a grumpy, miserable, manipulative, entitled, superior, selfish, jealous bully. He resents you and his children. Stop bothering to try and appease him, you won’t. Nothing will ever be good enough.

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Noteverybodylives · 24/09/2022 08:18

You argued because you were 7 minutes late finishing work??

You are in a controlling/abusive relationship OP.

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Olsi109 · 24/09/2022 08:21

How does he know about you picking dc up to work on lap etc if he's in bed?

He sounds like a baby and I'd get rid.

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VladmirsPoutine · 24/09/2022 08:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2022 08:17

Fucking hell, he’s a grumpy, miserable, manipulative, entitled, superior, selfish, jealous bully. He resents you and his children. Stop bothering to try and appease him, you won’t. Nothing will ever be good enough.

This is the long and short of it. If you'd argued about spending £100 more in tesco than usual fair enough but he resents you comforting your baby! I can't see a way back from that. He's making life miserable for everyone, not just you - children are not immune from these things.

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Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/09/2022 08:23

If I were you I would plan my exit, money, housing, schools, documenting the abuse (right?), getting a support system that isn't on the internet, etc. I would make sure everything was in place, including legal paperwork, and go. Trust me sis, you can do better. Respect yourself.

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knittingaddict · 24/09/2022 08:24

pilates · 24/09/2022 07:39

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells with him which must be exhausting. Marriage counselling?

I'm not sure that marriage counselling is a good idea. There is a very good chance that the op's husband is abusive and it's not recommended under those circumstances.

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SRS29 · 24/09/2022 08:24

OP you sound like a very busy full time working mum with a busy job. You must be quite strong and independent......you must know this is wrong and he is very unreasonable, big girl pants on and sort it x

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ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 24/09/2022 08:25

@CatGrins what would the "other side" of this be though?
"I work nights cos it means I don't have to do all the domestic stuff earn more. I work really hard, she just has to sit at a computer dicking about with emails. Should be easy enough to sort out the house at the same time. I work really hard, but she's always focusing on the baby when she's had ages with him. We don't get any time as a couple. I could change shifts but I don't want to."
Doesn't really come across as sympathetic does it?
All these oft repeated tropes about "truth being in the middle" and "marrying a mistress creates a vacancy" etc are largely bollocks in my experience. I got both sides from more than one divorcing couple and when you unpicked the language and self pity, there was actually only one story.

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/09/2022 08:26

Op this isnt a couple arguing. This is a husband abusing his wife.

He sounds really really controlling. He tries to control when you work, how you work, how you parent, when you do housework, how and when you show him affection....he is literally trying to control every tiny aspect of your life, most of which is nothing to do with him. I mean who has a go at someone for finishing a call and working 7 minutes over time! What kind of person is jealous if their partner cuddles their own child instead of them?

I'm not saying this lightly but you need to leave. He is a controlling nasty bully and someone like that doesnt change. And it sounds like he doesn't do any of his share of childcare or housework anyway. He is dragging you down and it will be an awful environment for the kids. If you stay with him they will think this level of control and this distribution of work and power in the relationship is normal and end up in a similar situation

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CatGrins · 24/09/2022 08:32

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat
Don't pick and choose bits from what I said.

He clearly isn't going to have the POV that you sarcastically presented, I would just be interested to know how he actually sees the situation, this might tell is more about the root of the problem than hearing just the OPs POV. Of course we all present arguments so that we come out looking like the ones in the right, I'd like to know if her DH genuinely thinks he's right too.

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Maray1967 · 24/09/2022 08:33

If you don’t want to leave him then you at least need to get him told. He is a pathetic man child. I would give him the bollocking of his life, listing the main issues. 1. You want to do nights when you don’t have to - your choice. 2. I don’t get 12 hours in bed, so neither should you. 3. I am working from home, not a housewife 4. Only a spoilt tosser resents his baby. So pack it in or we’re done.
All delivered in a manner that lets him know you mean it.

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Blizzardbeach · 24/09/2022 08:36

He sounds awful, tbh my situation isn't much better. Life's just an easier, happier place when he's not around isn't it.

What will you do? Mines getting until Christmas to sort himself out. If he doesn't, in January he's going to need to leave.

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HatThatWearsYou · 24/09/2022 08:37

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 07:50

You’re not arguing. He’s abusing you.

This Flowers

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WoopsIdiditagain1 · 24/09/2022 08:40

You are working. My husband WFH and rearly leaves his office. He certainly doesn't do housework during working hours. He also often works late.

Your husband sounds very controlling and attention seeking. Does he control you in other ways? Like limit your access to money, comment on what you wear or stop you going out.

I think you need to seek individual counselling so you can talk though your feeling and process the impact of this relationship on you, your mental health and your children.

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inheritanceshiteagain · 24/09/2022 08:40

Man child. No wonder you are exhausted

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Noteverybodylives · 24/09/2022 08:41

Op this isnt a couple arguing. This is a husband abusing his wife.

He sounds really really controlling. He tries to control when you work, how you work, how you parent, when you do housework, how and when you show him affection....he is literally trying to control every tiny aspect of your life, most of which is nothing to do with him. I mean who has a go at someone for finishing a call and working 7 minutes over time! What kind of person is jealous if their partner cuddles their own child instead of them?

I completely agree!!

I often think that MN throws the controlling/abusive card out way too often but in this case they are completely correct.

This is not a relationship.

You we’re 7 minutes late finishing work!!
It is literally nothing.
Even if you were an hour or 2 late he shouldn’t be getting angry at you, he should be supporting you and feeling bad that you had to work overtime.

How involved is he with the DC?
Does he ever tell you to go and out your feet up whilst he deals with the baby?

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pompomdaisy · 24/09/2022 08:44

For a minute there I got confused who was the DH and who was the child! Bin the man child.

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mansviewpoint · 24/09/2022 08:50

Sorry but he's not going to change. As the kids get older they will resent you for choosing him every single time. Think of your children.

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focuspocus · 24/09/2022 08:52

It must be very hard to wfh with a little one and be tiptoeing around him. I couldn't live with what you describe as it seems like you are locked up with a sleeping monster and I have sympathy for those who work nights or shifts. I couldn't do it.

My mum worked nights, only two a week. She struggled to sleep in the day and I think you don't really recover. She was a mum though and didn't spend more than a few hours in bed and got up to get things done for her kids, take us to activities etc. She worked pt and was on two 12 hour nights so that she wouldn't need childcare when the three of us were small. As soon as we were old enough she switched to full time days. Staying in bed for 12 hours when you are tired and not actually sleeping probably just makes him more grumpy.

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