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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH with DS for the weekend?

115 replies

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 19:35

I was planning on going to visit my Nan, with just baby DD.

I would be going Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night

DH kept agreeing but then hinting I'd have to rearrange, and now he's adamant I have to re arrange because he has no plans in place. What he means by that is, he's got no family available to come pick him and DS up to go to their house, or go out with them as they're busy

If I go, it would mean DH and DS in the house all weekend.

There is the option of the local park. And DS has a buggy

He says I'm really unreasonable and he is adamant it must be re arranged because he would be stranded

DS can't use public transport (there isn't really any anyway), and we live in the countryside. DH can't drive (yet, he's taking lessons)

I'm the car driver. And I'm also DS's main carer

Now the background here is I visit my nan a lot. But I always always take DS and DD with me. There has never ever been a time before that DS has been left behind

I'm not taking him tomorrow as I wanted some respite and time to spend with my nan without having to provide constant supervision to a disabled child (that I love very much but gets up at the crack of dawn and destroys everything in the house if you're not extremely careful watching him)

AIBU to just go?

I think H is being unfair. I feel sad. And guilty as I don't want to leave DS but I do need the break

OP posts:
qpmz · 23/09/2022 20:34

I can't believe you live in the countryside and he doesn't drive!

If he thinks ahead he can get loads of new toys from charity shops, paint and crayons and look up activities online. Why doesn't he invite a friend round for a coffee? That always breaks up the day. He can visit the local park on both days. Kids don't get bored of parks especially if he brings a ball or a kite and a picnic lunch.

What I'm saying is you go and they'll be fine.

MintJulia · 23/09/2022 20:38

Azandme · 23/09/2022 19:38

He's a grown man, and a father of two, and it's one night, and he can't cope?

Is he always this wet?

Tell him to step up and PARENT. Otherwise, what actual use is he?

this ! Is he completely useless?

Tell him to get a grip, spend some time with his child, and he might even find they like each other. 🙂

Imogensmumma · 23/09/2022 20:39

Why doesn’t he drive if you all live rurally and have a DS with additional needs… is he unwilling to learn to drive so all the responsibility is on you?

mountainsunsets · 23/09/2022 20:42

sobeyondthehills · 23/09/2022 20:18

Actually to be fair to the husband the OP has said this
DS can't use public transport (there isn't really any anyway), and we live in the countryside.

I did, for once, feel a bit sorry for him at the start, but with your updates, he should not be trying to guilt you into doing it. The only way he is going to learn is to do it.

I also want to echo someone else who said you need to look into getting regular respite

Show quote history

I did miss that, but still - it's for two days, not two weeks!

If he can't cope for 48 hours at home with his own child, there's something seriously amiss.

Original poster
SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 20:43

Imogensmumma · 23/09/2022 20:39

Why doesn’t he drive if you all live rurally and have a DS with additional needs… is he unwilling to learn to drive so all the responsibility is on you?

Sorry, I did say in my OP he is learning

OP posts:
Topgub · 23/09/2022 20:43

Please don't give into him op.

You not going is exactly what he wants, so if you give in he'll do it again and again and you'll never be able to leave ds with him .

Go to your nans and stay for lunch.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/09/2022 20:46

Go, leave them to it and enjoy the break. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES leave until after lunch on Sunday.

He needs to crack on and pass his driving test, and stop being so controlling. All those generations of women who had to walk everywhere, why can't he manage for a day and a half, or get a taxi? You have to get on with it day in day out, now he needs to step up so you get a break.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 23/09/2022 20:46

He's out of order, OP, and now he's put a downer on the trip for you.

Nice work, arsehole. 🤨

I hope he doesn't spoil it for you, OP.

NewHopeNow · 23/09/2022 20:48

Everything you've said so far would make me absolutely determined to go. A weekend where he finds that the world doesn't end in all the circumstances you've described might do him some good.

But mainly because you bloody deserve to go and he's being a selfish arsehole.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 23/09/2022 20:48

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 19:53

He just said to me that his compromise would be me coming home Sunday morning

But I was suppose to be having Sunday lunch so wanted to come home Sunday evening

He did say it would be fine another weekend but needs to be planned properly with other people so he can get out the house properly with DS

Jesus. How have you not buried him under the patio yet?? He's fucking pathetic!!

it's like 36 HOURS, no days, weeks, months...HOURS.

tell him you'll definitely do it another weekend! 🙂 but you're going tomorrow & you'll be back Sunday night FFS

orbitalcrisis · 23/09/2022 20:49

That depends, how old is DS? Do you think he's capable of looking after his bone idle father?

unflappybelivabubble · 23/09/2022 20:54

Question
Does your DH ever leave you to care for your children alone ?

SisterCassandra · 23/09/2022 20:54

Lazy, manipulative and incredibly selfish, what a catch

Original poster
SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 20:55

unflappybelivabubble · 23/09/2022 20:54

Question
Does your DH ever leave you to care for your children alone ?

Yes

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 23/09/2022 20:56

If your DH can't drive then the car is not the issue.
It's the fact he can't drive and is reluctant to care for his DC to allow you to spend a more relaxed weekend with your Nan.
Surely the park will be fine and if they need to go further they can get a taxi or lift from a friend.
Don't feel guilty for making time ànd plans for yourself.
I really enjoy having "boys" time with my DS.

Dunnoburt · 23/09/2022 20:58

YANNNNNNBU.....he's a Dad right? 🤔

Noteverybodylives · 23/09/2022 20:59

YANBU

I was a single parent in a rural area for years and I coped just fine.

It’s actually nice having time to do nothing but activities in and around the home and spend proper quality time with your child.

However, there was a thread a few months back almost identical to yours, minus the SN.
But the person wanting to take the car for the night was the DH leaving OP and the child at home - the majority of the replies were that he was BVU to leave the DW without a car.

OutDamnedSpot · 23/09/2022 21:00

What would be different if he had a car (and could drive)? Where would he go? Is it that there’s genuinely somewhere that is better for DS, or is it that he needs back up from his mum?

(either way, YANBU, but it might help your argument)

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2022 21:02

So, you go to Nans and have two kids but will largely be around the house with them. You cope.

DH, or UH will be in his own home with all DS's stuff but cannot possibly cope without child.

Bollocks to that.

He can take him to the park twice and spend some time at home.

Time for hi mto put on hsi big girl pants.

BuffaloCauliflower · 23/09/2022 21:03

He needs to get a grip I’m afraid. He’s being asked to parent one of his children alone for what, 26-27 hours? So what if he can’t go anywhere, it’s one weekend. My husband does drive but we share a car, so sometimes I’ll be out with it and he’ll just have to walk with DS or stay in and entertain him. It’s fine. It probably wouldn’t be helpful but if it were me I would be loudly asking him why he’s such a crap dad he can’t look after one child for less than a whole weekend. He’s being really unfair to you to even make it this hard

toomuchlaundry · 23/09/2022 21:05

What do you normally do at a weekend? Does DH ever get up early so you get a lie in at home?

worriedatthistime · 23/09/2022 21:05

Park and tesco is all needed for 2 days
Does your son like doing any activities af home your dh could do with him ?

VroomVrooom · 23/09/2022 21:08

How do decent women end up with such feckless, useless, sub-standard specimens of ‘man’hood? Confused

I don’t get it.

fatgirlslimmer · 23/09/2022 21:10

Genuine question is your DH disabled too?

How old is your son and has he ever had your son alone?

Dont allow him to manipulate you.

CaptainMum · 23/09/2022 21:15

Oh what a joy-sucking, incompetent, wet blanket he is. So emotionally manipulative to ruin the mood for your trip and not at least pretend to not mind. Is he always a needy and pathetic parent? And does he usually put his happiness before you and the children?

You should go and stay until Sunday evening. He has begun and seems to be winning the emotional assault on you to achieve his end- his comfort. Such an unattractive male.