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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH with DS for the weekend?

115 replies

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 19:35

I was planning on going to visit my Nan, with just baby DD.

I would be going Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night

DH kept agreeing but then hinting I'd have to rearrange, and now he's adamant I have to re arrange because he has no plans in place. What he means by that is, he's got no family available to come pick him and DS up to go to their house, or go out with them as they're busy

If I go, it would mean DH and DS in the house all weekend.

There is the option of the local park. And DS has a buggy

He says I'm really unreasonable and he is adamant it must be re arranged because he would be stranded

DS can't use public transport (there isn't really any anyway), and we live in the countryside. DH can't drive (yet, he's taking lessons)

I'm the car driver. And I'm also DS's main carer

Now the background here is I visit my nan a lot. But I always always take DS and DD with me. There has never ever been a time before that DS has been left behind

I'm not taking him tomorrow as I wanted some respite and time to spend with my nan without having to provide constant supervision to a disabled child (that I love very much but gets up at the crack of dawn and destroys everything in the house if you're not extremely careful watching him)

AIBU to just go?

I think H is being unfair. I feel sad. And guilty as I don't want to leave DS but I do need the break

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 23/09/2022 20:04

He's being incredibly selfish. Park, Tesco and hanging out at home is totally fine. We are a 1 car family. DH and I go away without the other partner and DCs a few times a year and we live in the middle of bloody nowhere. It's not the most fun weekend ever to be at home but it is totally fine once in a while.

Onceuponaheartache · 23/09/2022 20:06

Your husband is being a dick.

Why does your son being disabled mean they can't use public transport to go somewhere?

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 20:06

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 20:01

I'm a bit cross tbh, as now I don't fancy going, despite really wanting to

I've got butterflies and have a sense of dread leaving poor DS if he's going to be pissy about being left here when he said I should arrange it for another weekend when it's planned better

You've been mentioning it for a while so he's had time to plan. His incompetence is not your problem and he doesn't get to dictate when you see your family because he hasn't passed his driving test yet.

youagainomg · 23/09/2022 20:06

He is trying to use every excuse. He doesn't even drive so why is he bothered. Plenty of food in the house and it won't kill either father or son to spend a weekend at home. Take your DD and enjoy yourself.

been and done it. · 23/09/2022 20:07

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 19:44

I suppose I feel guilty just because I am leaving him with no means to get anywhere. So he can only go to a small park nearby and the local Tesco express. That'll be it from Saturday morning to Sunday night

Really what else does he need? A shop and a play area nearby to break up the day.

AnneElliott · 23/09/2022 20:08

He's being a twat! And don't feel guilty about remnant the car - he can't drive it. What's the point of you leaving the car at home?

And he can take DS for a walk can't be? Many days I spent down at a wet and windy play park with my toddler DS.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/09/2022 20:08

Ifds has a buggy, surely they can go for a
a nice walk?

This would piss me off no end. Go. And come back 8pm sunday

UWhatNow · 23/09/2022 20:09

Yes agree with everyone else - he’s a grown adult and it’s his child but I also think you’re a bit wet - sorry no disrespect - but jeez, all the angst and guilt over a grown man being competent enough to ‘cope’ - fucking cope - with his own child. If nothing else, it’s about TIME he ‘coped’ and grew up. You too op.

mountainsunsets · 23/09/2022 20:10

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 19:44

I suppose I feel guilty just because I am leaving him with no means to get anywhere. So he can only go to a small park nearby and the local Tesco express. That'll be it from Saturday morning to Sunday night

And?

I really don't see the issue. He can get a taxi/bus/train/walk if he wants to go anywhere, ffs. He's not a toddler. How unattractive.

cansu · 23/09/2022 20:10

I think lack of transport with a child with special needs is tricky. Could he take a taxi to a family member's house? Could he stay with his family?

Theluggage15 · 23/09/2022 20:14

Dear lord. What an unattractive wet wipe he is.

mansviewpoint · 23/09/2022 20:17

If your Husband is not your son's father (and the father is still in the picture) then I'd have a bit of sympathy. But basically your Husband is not giving a crap about you, not caring about his son, and being extremely selfish.
If you don't go he knows that he's won and will never have to worry about caring for 36 hours for his son.
If you weren't going because you need the break, then I'd say just stay in contact over skype / whatsapp, but because you need the break then really it's your husband not thinking he can look after the child. There is only one way of him getting over that issue and that's being pushed into that situation.

sobeyondthehills · 23/09/2022 20:18

mountainsunsets · 23/09/2022 20:10

And?

I really don't see the issue. He can get a taxi/bus/train/walk if he wants to go anywhere, ffs. He's not a toddler. How unattractive.

Show quote history

Actually to be fair to the husband the OP has said this
DS can't use public transport (there isn't really any anyway), and we live in the countryside.

I did, for once, feel a bit sorry for him at the start, but with your updates, he should not be trying to guilt you into doing it. The only way he is going to learn is to do it.

I also want to echo someone else who said you need to look into getting regular respite

ChampagneCamping · 23/09/2022 20:19

You’ve got a child each, so seems pretty fair to me. There’s lots he can do in the countryside, it’s plain selfish to expect you to stay and be his chauffeur

GettingItOutThere · 23/09/2022 20:20

plan what? dumping his child on someone else? or having them entertain them both?
my god what on earth is that manchild?

ChampagneCamping · 23/09/2022 20:21

omg!! It’s only 36 hours away from him. He should get a grip and grow up

Thinkbiglittleone · 23/09/2022 20:21

Your husband needs to be a dad.
Please don't back out of seeing your nan. If you do it this time, you will keep doing it.
You are entitled to a life outside of your children (as is he) but this is your time now. So please go.

Hotandbothereds · 23/09/2022 20:23

SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 20:00

We tried but nobody could help him get out and about/come see him and DS as they're all busy

Show quote history

But he’s making that your issue, he’s known just as long as you have that this is the plan.

He’s your sons parent as much as you are, he needs to step up here.

Its also not your fault he can’t drive, so you taking the car is irrelevant. If this makes him realise he needs to get that sorted then great, maybe it’s what he needs to sort out.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 23/09/2022 20:24

I have a feeling that if you go, he will make your next week hell, so you never try again. Am I completely off the mark?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2022 20:27

He can't parent and he can't drive?

Yuk.

The only small question is whose idea was it to live rurally?

Leeds2 · 23/09/2022 20:27

Is there a chance that friends and family aren't available to help because they are fed up of DH not stepping up to the mark? He is DS's parent and really needs to do some parenting.

Original poster
SoapAndWaterIsIt · 23/09/2022 20:28

Like I mentioned previously, I go to my nan a lot and stay overnight, this is the first time I'm not doing it - I want a lay in! And DD the baby will give me one, she doesn't get up until 7. I didn't want to take DS 1. So I didn't have to provide constant supervision and talk to my nan properly and 2. The lay in

Now, DH has benefited from me going out to my nans for the weekend countless times. But if I say that, and say he has benefited from me going, he will quickly respond with Well I never asked you to go, it was your choice. You chose to go

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 23/09/2022 20:29

I think your DH should be able to look after his child without help.
The only thing that made me pause if he is stranded with no car no public transport and lives in the middle of nowhere. But presumably if there's a tesco express you are in a town?
I live rurally and it's nearly 3 miles to a bus stop and 5 miles to a town , train station and supermarket . I feel very trapped without my car so in those circumstances I can understand why OH would object, but not sure you are as isolated as that?
I would go but perhaps come back a bit earlier?
Next time see if you and DH can organise it so he can spend time with his family when you visit your nan. YANBU to want some quality time with your nan to yourself. Does he object so much if you take DS? Trying to work out if this is a genuine housebound issue or I can't parent my child issue!

TwinkleChristmas · 23/09/2022 20:29

Your DH is being pathetic and he needs to get a handle of himself and parent his own child.

Id leave a bloke like that who can’t step up to the flat for a couple of days.

It’s bizarre and I say that as someone who has a disabled child and his dad would never act like your DH!

FlissyPaps · 23/09/2022 20:33

Now, DH has benefited from me going out to my nans for the weekend countless times. But if I say that, and say he has benefited from me going, he will quickly respond with Well I never asked you to go, it was your choice. You chose to go

This man is manipulative. Manipulation is emotional abuse.

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