Housework v Husband

[coffeepump]

I was wondering how much housework your husbands do around the house without being asked or expected to do it.

For context we're both working from home, office work similar level/volume of work. Flexible hours. 2 young kids both out to school each day for 5 hours.

I work 3 days, dh works 5 days but long hours. I sort most kids stuff, most meals, most food shops, laundry and tidying. He will hang laundry out, tidy/wash up, empty dish washer, sort cats, empty bins. He does the lawn and diy(but hes crap at it). He does a lot of kids stuff when hes home, hes great with them, does bath time, bed time, nappies the whole shabang. We have a cleaner once a month who blitzes the whole house. Overall its pretty fair. Hes not arsey if I ask him to do something either. I would want to reshuffle jobs/outsource more if i take on more hours.

but can't work out that if you clean the kitchen you don't leave crumbs on the worktop and dishes in the dirty sink water?!

Of course he can, he just doesn't have to because he plays dumb and you do it for him. 'He just can't see dirt/mess in the same way I can' is the biggest gaslighting pile of bullshit that women peddle to make themselves feel better about being the household skivvy, men don't have different 'no mess' powers of sight

DH does most of the cleaning around the house whereas I tend to do the never ending laundry, cooking and shopping.

he’s far better at cleaning than me and has higher standards. His parents house is immaculate whereas my parents are much less bothered…. I think that’s reflected in me and DH.

He had his own flat when we met so I knew what I'd be getting. He likes cooking and baking so keeps the kitchen spotless (I get a row for making a mess). He also kept the bathroom clean, the rest of the flat was not so much dirty as untidy. His idea of housework was to clean the TV screen when it was getting too dusty to see clearly and run the hoover around every 6 months or so if he could remember. He didn't have a washing machine so first thing Saturday was his trip to the laundrette.
Once we were married he did most of the cooking (cleaning as he went along) he did the laundry trip and then the ironing. When the girls were born he I did tops he did tails. When I went back to work he was main carer for the girls (worked nearer home and the creche/nursery), loved being daddy.
These days we're on our own mostly, he still does the cooking and washing I do most of the tidying/hoovering. Suits us.

I do more housework but DP does more of the childcare (school drop offs, dentist appointments etc) so it works out as 50:50 most of the time. It’s not luck on my part, I purposely chose a man who would pull his weight.

More than half.

We both work FT but flexibly, and have two small DC. We have a cleaner once a week and a gardener who cuts the grass.

He does most cooking and the weekly shop. I make packed lunch for DC1 in the morning. Cleaning up after dinner is 50/50, whoever is done with bedtime first does it (we put one DC down each). I tend to take the lead on laundry but not always.

I definitely carry more of the mental load though.

Good point, almost like he thinks I enjoy doing it all! Def time for a sit down and chat about it all. I think he thinks he does plenty and on paper he does do housework but never quite finishes a job or does it to a good standard and I don't mean high, just basic stuff like scrubbing the high chair along with doing the kitchen or taking an hour to do a 20 min job, still not finishing but declaring he's tired and can't do anymore

“I purposely chose a man who would pull his weight.”

Yep this me. I couldn’t be with a sexist arse who thought the scivvying was a woman’s job. Fuck how many arguments you have about it.

My partner does all the DIY, bill paying, shopping and gardening and they do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. I do cooking, cleaning, the ironing and washing and helping the kids with homework and clubs and taking them back and forth to school.

We share basically.

I work 25 hours over 5 days, DH works more like 40 can can be more/less.
I do all kids stuff - lunches, dinner during the week, cleaning & tidying every day plus dealing with general admin, laundry organising the week. I do the online supermarket shop, if I ask DH will buy top up stuff during the week. We do have a cleaner every fortnight but I still seem to do a lot of cleaning & tidying (3 kids) - it's always me running around with a Hoover in the morning and hanging washing out. DH will empty the dishwasher in the morning and sometimes washes up in the evenings if it hasn't been done. He will often cook on Sat and/or Sun but I need to plan & buy the food. I think he's a bit rubbish if I'm honest but maybe I'm BU?

@boredwithfoodprob no I think agree that it does seem like you do a lot, especially the mental load. Many people would probably say he's doing no a lot but it's not enough though is it, I'm sure the hours less that you work are more than made up for in extra housework - if you decided to split it that way. I find that being at work is like getting a break half the time!

DH works ft whilst I'm a SAHM so I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry & life admin etc. DH always does the bins/ dishes/ cat litter trays daily off his own back and also cleans kitchen floor/ hoovers etc if I've not done it that day for whatever reason. He does lots of little jobs as he sees them as well like stocking up the loo rolls/ putting things away just stuff like that. If he sees Ive got some washing in off the line/ got the hoover out he will take them upstairs for me just to save me the trouble. He'd be more than happy to do other things if I asked but I do think it's fair that I do the lions share as I'm at home in the day. He loves spending time with DS so most nights gives him his tea/ does his bath etc so I have some free time most evenings. We are both very happy with how things are and feel it's all fair.

Similar for us. I carry more of the mental load, he does more of the execution. It feels fair enough.

Half each really, alters depending on work for us both. He wfh, I work PT but not from home. He does all sorts the days I'm out at work, I do stuff the days I'm home. When we're both home we both pitch in with both children and home. He tries to give the house a good clean on a Friday, between meetings, so we can enjoy the weekend without having too many chores to do.

If anything he's picking up far more than me at the minute while I'm struggling with a sore knee and waiting for treatment while juggling a toddler etc.

@Ponderingwindow that's what I think could work for us as I need to manage the details. What is the app you use?

@coffeepump we just use Microsoft ToDo

we tried a few different specialty apps and they were all too idiosyncratic, the Microsoft one was really simple. You can make group lists and private lists and it syncs across platforms which is important because we don’t have the same kind of phone.

Just had a huge bust up with partner over this within last half hour. Both work full time and one 8 month old dd plus two dogs. He's done absolutely nothing today since home from work. I have walked dogs, cooked supper, cleaned up, washed bedding, fed dd and got her ready for bed and washed her bottles.
I asked him to put the duvet cover on and apparently that is me nagging
Unbelievable. The 'man' has literally worked (where he was probably on his phone all day), come home and had a cooked meal ready for him coming in the door, sat down and watched tv, played his PlayStation and come to bed. That's literally it

Apparently it's 'not hard' to do the housework stuff I do. I asked him to lock door at night also tonight and he's gone down stairs like a little child being all sarcastic like 'oh it's sooooo hard going to lock door'
Apparently whoever was last downstairs has to lock it, despite fact I was downstairs with dd getting her changed for bed and bottle ready

I'm at my wits end and don't deserve this

Of course he does his fair share. He's a person, I'm a person and we both work. So we split it. Being a 'man' doesn't entitle him to do any less, and I certainly don't need my DD growing up thinking men don't need to pull their weight.

How can we tell our daughters to reach for the stars and then wash men's pants for them.

My husband does zero housework unprompted.
He has 3 main responsibilities.
Putting out the rubbish & recycling
Dealing with Car admin
Cutting the grass

I have to remind him EVERY fortnight to put the bins out.
On more than one occasion he has suddenly realised that we are driving around in an untaxed and/or expired mot'd car.
The back garden has been wildly overgrown for 2-3 months 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I ask him to do a task he will do it. Most likely not that day, but eventually. And to the bare minimum standards.
To him, clean the kitchen translates to:
Load the dishwasher and put any rubbish in the bin. This will require a Spotify playlist, zero interruption and about an hour.
The dishwasher won't necessarily even be switched on if he deems another plate/cup/fork might fit in there.
Other tasks will often need a full on debate as to why it needs doing, such as hoovering.
"Why? Floor looks clean enough to me!"
If I want the house to be clean & tidy for guests, I have to contend with:
"No one will notice" or "No one will care"

Apparently saying "I care" is not justification enough for cleaning.

Sorry but more fool you. Literally no way is anything other than equal in our house be it child care cooking or cleaning. Why would it be? We are two people, and I don't care what sex someone is, everyone pulls their weight

That is not good I really do feel for you. Iv been there as well when the kids were that age and it's not easy. I think there is a lot of adjusting needing on his part, mind found it hard now having to be part of a family unit. I didn't realise it before we had the baby that we basically lived separate lives from the same house. Talk to him when you're calm and explain exactly why this isn't on. Write it down if you have to coz he needs to grow up!

@ToDoListAddict 100% my house too and the length of time it takes my god!! I'm sick of hearing no one will notice or it doesn't matter. It does. It matters to me! I don't like to sit and relax or cook in a messy cluttered dirty room and of course he doesn't cook!

I also need to remind him of every single detail it's frustrating and degrading

@LondonLovie I'm feeling this more than ever now I have a girl and also for any future spouse my son takes! He has started to imitate his father but the good thing is my husband has seen him doing it and is shocked at his behaviour so think it might be starting to sink in ever so slightly

We both work full-time and have a 7 year old. Both jobs are similar types of jobs and hours (both in education) though he commutes further but only because I did the bulk of the commuting for years. I do 80-90% of the household chores. He will wash up after dinner and occasionally do the bathroom. Right now he is finding "jobs" to do in his garage which I think just gives him a reason to not do housework. I don't moan about it anymore, I can't be arsed to try to justify him helping out.

50-60% of all the housework

I do less some weeks as have a more stressful job during peak times