Housework v Husband

[coffeepump]

I was wondering how much housework your husbands do around the house without being asked or expected to do it.

For context we're both working from home, office work similar level/volume of work. Flexible hours. 2 young kids both out to school each day for 5 hours.

If it needs doing he just does it. Sometimes if hes been away working he sort of asks for direction as i am more aware of whats what

If there is something specific and i point it out. No aggro never grumbles. No conflict.

He doesnt game. And only sits to phone faff or watch footie if the decks are clear. Or if we decide jointly to sack it all off

Not at all. They are not stupid. They are simply doing as little as they can get away with. It is disrespectful.

We're about half and half here and it's generally fair. We both work full time in similar jobs with similar stress levels. Three kids, 2 school age and one in nursery.

We have some jobs we do just ourselves (eg he does all the dishwasher loading and unloading, 90% of washing and hanging up, all the DIY and gardening, I do all the cooking and 90% of cleaning kitchen and bathroom), then a load of jobs we share (putting clothes away, general tidying, bins out).

Ditto childcare we both share the load pretty much 50/50 including taking the kids to clubs/swimming lessons etc.

Honestly I'm pretty fucking lucky though it shouldn't be that I'm "lucky" because my partner pulls his weight. But I know so many women with partners who do sweet FA around the house/with their kids and they just put up with it.

a lot when he’s not working. I’m currently on may leave and he’s working non stop over summer so the majority falls to me, which is fine for now, but he’ll always wash up each evening still, and his rare day off he’ll get loads done. In winter when he has more time off it’ll be split pretty evenly.

He's 43 and been like this since I met him 17 years ago. He has got a lot better in that time!

I wouldn't say he doesn't know, he's lazy and doesn't like cleaning. A job that takes me ten mins takes him half an hour and it's still a sloppy job. I don't do it for him, I moan and make a big deal of him having to do it right so I don't know why he wouldn't just do it right in the first place. I think he genuinely doesn't care that much so doesn't see it??

Yes, his standards are higher than mine and he is significantly better at cooking and ironing. I don't know why he is like this, but he has always been this way, nothing to do with me.

He was close to his gran, mum and sister growing up, but certainly didn't grow up seeing a man do any housework.

It's all about active or passive participation, whether it's housework, parenting or sex.

Do you want a partner that:
A) sees something that needs/would be good to happen and gets on with it, (actively participates)
or B) waits to be told what needs to happen & then either does it willingly/begrudgingly or to a shit standard - (passively participates)

Most divorced men fit in the B category as they make life worse.

Women keep hold of the As as they make life better.

And he doesnt care enough about you to do it properly.

@coffeepump

If he was like this when you met and hasn't changed in 17 years then I'd say it's a given that he won't know.

You stayed with him knowing what he was like.

Not that much until recently, because he worked ft in a very demanding job and I was very part time. However we're both now ft and we share housework equally. The teenage dc do their bit too. We sorted out a family rota before I started back at work. There is literally no reason why I would be doing the lion's share now that we're on equal hours, and dh wouldn't dream of leaving it to me.

Really interesting. He's def B

@Topgub true but we were younger then with no kids and people change and needs change. We used to party every weekend and do the bare minimum cleaning which was fine but two messy kids and a bigger house down the line Iv had to change from the 19 year old party animal who wasn't house proud so why shouldn't he?

I'd recommend looking up thatdarnchat on Instagram, she has some great reels that really articulate the unfair division on the mental and practical load

Sahm with a baby and a 4 year old. Dh works full time in a stressful role. He hoovers, is in charge of the garden, takes out the milk bottles, takes the bins out, hangs washing if need be, loads more. He's brilliant and just sees something and does it but he's not perfect and leaves crumbs on the kitchen side.

On it now

@coffeepump

Yeah he should, about 16 years ago.

None at all. He works very hard though and it works for us.

DH - works full-time s/e trade approx 10 hours per day 5/6 days per week.
I work 28 hrs p/w from home. 1 teen. DH washes up every night/empties bins/recycles/feeds cat breakfast.
I do laundry/meals/cleaning/tidying/shopping. I'm temporarily unwell after op and he's virtually running the house atm. We're a team, I do more housework usually because he works longer hours.

I'm a sahm so during the day I do a lot of the work, like all the washing/ironing, big deep cleans of kitchen/bathroom, dusting, hoovering etc. But we share all the day to day stuff when he's home, the cooking, washing up, cleaning up after tea, tidying the communal areas etc. We've carved out our own jobs naturally, but it's split pretty evenly.

@NamiSwan see I wouldn't say that's massively equal. Cleaning takes up more time than gardening for example (and gardening is also pretty pleasant outside in good weather)

My useless at cleaning husband does half of the school and activity runs etc etc but I still wish he'd clean.

My husband did very little. He did cook on weekends and cleaned as he went (so no big mess to clean after).
However, he was a very tidy man. He never left a dirty mug in the sink. Never left dirty socks on the floor. And he paid for a cleaning lady.

Same here, Iv kind of given up and just let him get up in the morning to sort them both (I make lunches the night before and lay out uniform having made sure it's washed for the week) so he feels like he has a lot to do as he gets up, dressed and drops off which takes about an hour all in but it's got to here as I'm fed up moaning and groaning about all the things he doesn't do. He's not very good at or keen to do diy either

Its not really any use to you for people to tell you what their dh do. You must realise its not normal or acceptable for him to do nothing. MN is full of similar threads.

I wouldn't stay with someone who was lazy and disrespectful but I realise its not always that easy to leave.

Oh absolutely I'm under no illusions he should be helping out more but we've got to the point where I feel so angry about it all the time and he's making me feel like I'm seeing every speck of dirt there is. He thinks I'm obsessive about cleanliness, I'm not, the house is badly needing deep cleaned.

I keep asking him to stop wearing shoes in the house on the carpet and he doesn't think it's a big deal... the baby was playing with a speck of glass tonight that had to be brought in by a shoe?!

Being pedantic, the cleaner does a good 60% of it, but everything else is shared. DH does more laundry than I do, but I’m the one who is more likely to dust and clean windows- it all evens out.

I grew up with a father who, despite running some hugely successful businesses, just couldn’t possibly pick up his own dirty socks.

I vowed to never end up with a man like that.

Luckily, my husband isn’t a creep who believes that women were out on this earth to serve men.

Like most men, he has two working eyes and can see what needs to be done.

Really interesting, does he know what to do and how to do it?

Exactly the same way you do.