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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housework v Husband

122 replies

coffeepump · 23/09/2022 19:07

I was wondering how much housework your husbands do around the house without being asked or expected to do it.

For context we're both working from home, office work similar level/volume of work. Flexible hours. 2 young kids both out to school each day for 5 hours.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 23/09/2022 20:03

We've always both carried the load (well except for the cooking - I do all of that as I love it/prefer it. If I didn't want to cook, dh would be fine with making a dinner). Neither of us wants to be the one freeloading. As a result it is nice to be able to do something nice for each other because we know neither of us would ever take advantage. When dh comes home after a hard day, I might make him a cup of tea and bring it into him. When the dog needs to be left out during the night or early in the morning, he will insist on me staying in bed and him doing it. I can't imagine wanting to make a cup of tea for a man who expects me to do all the cleaning because ... wife.

My dd has just joined a houseshare in university. 5 girls who are very nice and whom she gets on well with. 2 weeks in and she is on the phone to me pissed off. So far one of the other girls and she do all of the grocery shopping, cleaning, washing up etc. She says for 3 of them it is like they think fairies come and clean their dishes. It isn't like they can ignore the others and just clean their own stuff - it is disgusting and they will run out of ware. she sent me a photo of a sink and counter full of dirty dishes. She will obviously be having a house meeting about minimum standards and a rota but it struck me that it wasn't just having to use her time to do the cleaning etc. She feels really really disrespected when the others let their dirty stuff for her to walk around/clean up. She correctly sees it as people who are oblivious to how their life affects those around them and who are, whether they know it or not, showing contempt for her.

I can't even imagine how you would feel when the person doing this to you is the person who is supposed to love you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/09/2022 20:08

No kids..second marriage for both. He does all of the food shopping and cooking. And that includes breakfasts in bed and snazzy lunches at weekends. I do cleaning, tidying (small flat) and laundry, but he'll pitch in if he spots something needs doing as I'm basically quite slack.

When we got together I thought he'd be a manchild and foresaw battles. But seems more like I'm the womanchild instead.

Boxofsockss · 23/09/2022 20:12

I used to do it all generally before we had a child and tbh I didn’t mind as I had more time and I’m one of those weird people that like cleaning. But since having a baby and after a few rants from me, my other half does do a lot more now. Our routine each evening involves me doing bath and bed time with our 10 month old and him doing all the jobs that need doing downstairs (vacuuming, mopping, wiping down baby play Matt, cleaning baby high chair, washing up, surfaces etc) and it is a massive help. So that’s a massive help really.

Bunchesxxx · 23/09/2022 20:15

I'm the main breadwinner in our family, I earn a lot more than DH. Because of that he feels that he should do more of the housework as I'm providing more financially, even though we both work full time.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/09/2022 20:15

We split it, one hoovers, one does bathroom, also have cleaner every other week 👌🏼

Hairbear2 · 23/09/2022 20:17

Mine did nothing except cut the grass and clean the cars. He is now my ex husband and his new partner has the problem.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 23/09/2022 20:17

Split 50/50 I cook he washes up.
he does more day to day “tidying” /wiping down I’ll do a big weekend clean.

Anyone who did fuck all would be an ex pretty quickly

brookln · 23/09/2022 20:18

More than me as I have a 12 week old fussy baby who wants to be carried around a lot.

But husband is usually hands on with housework and cooking anyway, he is OCD about it so can be a pain in the arse with cleanliness and cooking for hours.

The only task I do 90% of is laundry. He's ruined a few pieces of clothing so I ask him to leave it to me. Oh and I make all the teas 😀 althoguh he makes the morning coffee.

brookln · 23/09/2022 20:19

What do you mean OP 'does he know what to do and how to do it'?
Did he live alone/house share before you? Presume he did it all then.

SophieJo · 23/09/2022 20:21

JulesCobb · 23/09/2022 19:27

we both work ft ooth. Dh does almost all cooking and all food shopping. He drives dd to her hobbies and back. He is in charge of scopay for school. He wfh if dc are ill as i dont have that option. He cleans the cat litter trays the majority of the time and walks the dog the majority of the time. He is in charge of cleaning the kitchen but will occasionally blitz the bathrooms too. When he gets a cleaning bug he just does the whole house. He stress cleans. His job is putting bins out. He makes me a cup of tea every morning and puts it on my bedside table and makes my lunch for work every day.

he isnt a lazy, sexist arsehole.

Mine is the same only he is retired and I’m still working, no children at home.
No refined guidelines as to who does what. We both seem to get on with it. I especially love the fact that he brings me a cup of tea every morning and stops me falling asleep again!

Fe345fleur · 23/09/2022 20:22

Pretty equal, we

FatherDougalsBlueJumper · 23/09/2022 20:23

My DH does the majority of the housework (cooking, cleaning, shopping etc) as he's just better at it than me. I do the majority of the life admin in return (bills, dealing with school stuff, diary keeping, birthdays etc)

It works out as roughly an even split and it plays to both our strengths.

Sophfreddie · 23/09/2022 20:24

He'd do it all if I let him 😆

dizzydizzydizzy · 23/09/2022 20:24

Doesn't even tidy up his own mess.

Headabovetheparakeet · 23/09/2022 20:25

He does a lot, pretty much all of the cooking (he enjoys it) and will normally be the one to empty the dishwasher in the morning. He pulls his weight with the kids too.

We got a cleaner this year as we were struggling to find time to clean but he did do half of that before too.

Original poster
coffeepump · 23/09/2022 20:28

brookln · 23/09/2022 20:19

What do you mean OP 'does he know what to do and how to do it'?
Did he live alone/house share before you? Presume he did it all then.

No he moved straight from his mums house to a shared house with me. His mum didn't run after him, think he got his washing done which then piled up in his wardrobe without being hung up. He had a bed, tv and wardrobe so nothing really to clean or look after as such. He lived on sandwiches and knew to tidy his plate and cutting board if he made something

OP posts:
itsthesoundofthepolice · 23/09/2022 20:32

Inside the house very little unless asked.
He does the garden and cleans the cars. He'll Hoover/dust if asked and occasionally does some washing.
Mostly it's left to me, he'd never think to clean blinds, wash windows or mop floors, wipe kitchen surfaces down.

I recently mentioned getting a clearer but he's not keen and will be doing more housework apparently....we'll see.
We both work full time shifts, my time off seems to focus round housework his focuses on the gym.

Fe345fleur · 23/09/2022 20:35

Pretty equal and we both will do a household job if we see it. Main solo tasks are that I do the cooking, he does all the ironing. No one wants to wear a shirt that I've ironed. I'm aware that I'm lucky, but annoyed that it's 'luck' and too many men are still happy to live in a house that apparently the fairies magically clean for them.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/09/2022 20:37

We have a cleaner but he does probably 65% of laundry, general tidying, emptying dishwasher etc and about 20% of childing during the week because of leaving and returning to and from work during the week. He takes toddler out for a solid few hours, if not longer on at least one weekend day,

RidingMyBike · 23/09/2022 20:40

He does all of the cleaning. Most of the laundry (just not the hand wash stuff). All the ironing.

Never had to remind him.

Pinktoothbrushesarefab · 23/09/2022 20:43

(D)H 1 - cut grass.

DH 2 - all ironing, all shoe cleaning, cleans bog, takes turns to peg out washing, load/unload dishwasher, can do shopping if given a list, will vacuum if asked, dusts, cleans windows inside (and mirrors)

Second time around I picked one that had been in the armed forces, so more clued-up than 1# !

NotMeNoNo · 23/09/2022 20:50

DH does loads and is often first to get out the vacuum or put washing on. He's naturally tidy and helpful.

I would just say (as the person on the back foot) beware of being so much in charge of the housework the other person doesn't dare interfere in case they do it wrong. You have to have those "you do that I'll do this" conversations.

hashbrownsandwich · 23/09/2022 21:02

Mine does more than his fair share but he was alone for 12 years before we met so he was used to holding his shit together a

Dragonskin · 23/09/2022 21:02

Most of it, he can't sit still

NamiSwan · 23/09/2022 21:05

@yazo I'm not sure "enjoyment" matters so much as time spent on doing housework that needs doing. And genuinely I think if I counted the hours I do on stuff around the house and stuff my husband does, it would even out.

Maybe it just its one of those things where YMMV. I think it is equal as I fucking hate gardening 😆😆 and I enjoy cooking so its a fair trade. Ditto the washing as we have 3 young kids and me and DH are both pretty active with exercise etc so my husband does 2 loads a day of putting on and hanging up to dry. And the dishwasher which I also juat cba with. I just don't spend that much time on cleaning 😅 DIY is also a major drag. I would 100% rather be tidying my kitchen up than painting the outside of our house (which DH has spent 3 weekends prepping and doing).

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