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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ‘let’ DD smoke weed

84 replies

sergsap08 · 23/09/2022 18:48

Name changed for this as this may be controversial and I don't want this to follow me around, I just want other peoples opinions

DD is almost 18, she smokes weed occasionally and although I don't like it, if I told her she wasn't allowed she'd do it anyway and just try and hide it from me. DS (20) also smokes weed and I'm the same with him, when I first found out I did try and stop him etc but that didn't work and id rather know what they were up to instead of them lying. They do it maybe once a month if that.

DD has a friend who smokes with her when she does, his mum doesn't like it and tries to stop him. Apparently, they were planning on smoking today but his mum found out and messaged me and told me I shouldn't be allowing it and she doesn't want DS involved as he's easily led as he has ADHD so she told me I should stop DD from smoking or she doesn't want him talking to DD (something I don't think she can stop as they go to college together etc) and she said I'm irresponsible for letting my children smoke.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:

Violettaa · 23/09/2022 18:53

Of course it’s irresponsible.

Theres some really shitty parenting on this site today.

OldSkoool · 23/09/2022 18:55

If they're 18 and 20 how can you actually stop them? They're adults.

lisaJN1986 · 23/09/2022 18:56

18 and 20 are adults. You can't stop them. Although you can stop them from doing it in your home.

BeanieTeen · 23/09/2022 18:57

You can’t control what they do out of the home at that age really but I sure as hell wouldn’t allow anyone to smoke weed in my house. It’s obviously not good parenting but also it stinks to high heaven, and is noticeable as soon as you enter someone’s house and often from outside too, I’d be really embarrassed.

nonstoprenovation · 23/09/2022 18:57

I think you have the right balance, your adult kids are telling you about their habits, you're accepting it, but without encouraging it.

You really can't do much about it, so your approach is the best you can do.

ofwarren · 23/09/2022 18:57

What does "letting them" mean? You mean in your house?
Obviously you can't stop them outside but I wouldn't allow it in my house at all.

LunaLoveLemon · 23/09/2022 18:59

They’re adults. Presumably you have had an open discourse regarding the pros and cons of drugs for many many years prior to this? At this point, they should be free to make their own choices.You can of course ban them from smoking inside your home.

user1487194234 · 23/09/2022 18:59

FFS they are adults

Yazo · 23/09/2022 18:59

They're adults, there's nothing you can do about what they do, but it's what you enable. If they smoke in your house, with your money or if they're doing it instead of something more productive. Easy to see people that age as harmless smoking but as I have a brother who started smoking at that age and hasn't stopped and destroyed his life 20 years later I think as a parent you need to make it clear why you disagree. My parents thought he'd stop one day, he hasn't and it's destroyed their lives as well as his. The stuff it does to your brain is not worth the high, and at their age their brain is still growing.

KittyCatsby · 23/09/2022 19:00

Once 18 an adult . However your house , your rules . You can't stop her but you can say not in your house.

Chattycathydoll · 23/09/2022 19:00

Irrespective of parenting your child, weed can worsen ADHD symptoms so your daughter isn’t a very good friend to encourage this boy to smoke with her.

Bintymcbintface · 23/09/2022 19:01

From the legal standpoint it is wrong. However, I am going to go against the mn grain and say that once my ds is 18, I'd rather he smoked weed than drank alcohol.

IMO alcohol is much more destructive than weed and ruins so, so many more lives. Alcohol is addictive, causes so much damage to organs and leads people to make insane decisions which can cause issues as well as injury and at the very least makes you make an utter twat out of yourself and throw up. Weed, really unless there are underlying issues like MH disorders (schizophrenia, bpd etc) then the worst that's gonna happen is finding a dumb cartoon funny before you raid the cupboards for something to eat.

If she's not sitting baked all day every day and has an otherwise productive and happy life, it's not that big of a deal

Bintymcbintface · 23/09/2022 19:01

I have found the opposite to be true

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 23/09/2022 19:02

They are adults. You definitely reserve the right to get them to refrain from smoking in your house and/or garden, but what they do elsewhere is not really your concern/business.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 23/09/2022 19:04

Weed is bad news. I would do absolutely nothing to encourage it and I definitely wouldn’t encourage it. It’s also illegal.
My mum was very lax about these things. One of my sisters ended up in rehab at 19. The other still smokes heavily in her 40s and can’t give it up or cope without it.

Original poster

sergsap08 · 23/09/2022 19:04

I don't let them smoke in the house, they do when out with friends, I just don't try and stop them as I know it wouldn't work. They both have jobs and DD attends college. They don't smoke cigarettes, they drink but again not often just if with friends or occasionally at home at special occasions (I don't drink often either so we don't have alcohol in the house(

OP posts:

bluefootedboobie · 23/09/2022 19:05

I would be the same as you OP. They will smoke it anyway, better that they have an open, honest relationship with you. What you could do though, is try and persuade them not to smoke skunk - much stronger and more harmful - that's my plan why my DC are of age. DH and I smoked (amongst other things) so understand the ins and outs. I realise this might not make me popular with other parents however.

SeemsSoUnfair · 23/09/2022 19:07

16 and 18 you cant stop them, but you can make sure you do not enable it, do not condone it, educate them on illegal drugs health issues and the supply chain that devastates lives and let them know how disappointed you are they are supporting criminals.

Or you can be cool mum. 🙄

EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/09/2022 19:08

You cannot stop her.

It's an expensive habit that can get out of control and buying it illegally can put her in touch with some shady drug dealers.

johsq20 · 23/09/2022 19:08

Agree there's nothing you can do about it. If you try to force them not to you'll just drive it underground. Good that you have a decent enough relationship for them to be open with you.

Original poster

sergsap08 · 23/09/2022 19:10

I don't think DD is encouraging her friend as if he wasn't smoking with her, he probably would be with other friends etc anyway.

I respect that his mum doesn't like it but I don't think anyone can stop him as he is 17, 18 in a couple of months.

I have told both DD and DS about the dangers etc though.

OP posts:

Plantstrees · 23/09/2022 19:10

You can't stop it and I would prefer my DC could talk about things like this with me than hide it from me.

In my view it is no worse than alcohol and should be legalised.

bellac11 · 23/09/2022 19:13

She is an adult but I woujld want to make sure I was making her aware of the research about the developing brain, that weed is not harmless and can exacerbate anxiety, paranoia and depression if the person has traits of that or has other brain chemistry which might make them vulnerable to that and often you just dont know, so its a bit of a lottery

And although most people on this site cant stand to accept it, she is contributing to abuse and exploitation by being a customer. No doubt (as with most posters on this site) they only every buy pure stuff from the lovely man down the road who only grows it for himself so they know it is and hes not involved in gang crime or dealing or drug running teens.

This is not true however. Does she want to contribute to that.

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 23/09/2022 19:14

DH smoked a lot of weed back in the 80s when he was a student. Weed was weaker then but it still led to him having a paranoid episode.
I would do everything I could to stop my DCs smoking weed at home, I would be nagging them relentlessly.

LeFeu · 23/09/2022 19:14

You can’t tell an 18 and 20 year old boy to smoke, they’re adults. If it helps op my mum was like you and I’m now 32 and haven’t smoked weed since my early 20s, so it doesn’t follow that allowing them to smoke means they’re going to be addicted for life or anything!

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