Friend lunch - not invited

[skgnome]

I’ll start by saying I know I’m probably unreasonable - but I would like a sanity check
old friend from Uni is coming to the city we live
he was very close friends with DH, but I also considered him a good friend (have know him for 15+ years) - I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend
anyway he texted DH and a bunch of others (male and female) to say “I’m around, lunch at x…” informal place, everyone paying for themselves
DH mentions it, assuming I was also on the WhatsApp group (I’m not) and when it turns out I’m not on the group - he takes it as I’m not invited, so he’s going for lunch not me
I’m honestly pissed - yes he can have his own friends, and yes he can go for lunch with whoever he decides… but still Sunday lunch! and a large group of mutual friends are invited!
sort of annoyed at friend for not including me, at DH for not inviting me
give it to me straight - I know I’m unreasonable - but what now?

They're not mutual friends, though. He is DH's friend and only knows the OP because of that.Just because they're friendly and have spent time together, doesn't mean they are friends

I was waiting on this.It seems that when a thread like this comes up on mn there is a rush to dismiss the friendship as the op imagined it/overvalued it.

She said it herself. He is a close friend of DH's, she considered him to be a friend, but "I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend".

There is nothing to say he sees her as a friend.

I'd assume you were included in your husbands invite. My boyfriend and I often get invited personally to mutual friend stuff and it means both of us.

Go anyway. If it is an informal place, and everyone is paying for themselves, where is the harm? I think you are probably invited, but somehow he assumes you will come with "D"H or has not noticed that you are not in the group. Please don't stay at home and be upset, join them!

Of course you’re invited. I think if DH does without you, your friend will say “Oh, where’s @skgnome ?”

Did you go OP?

Why doesn’t your husband want you to go?

You're friends with the organiser but are you friends with the whole bunch?

We have a similar set up and DP lived with a mixed sex group before we left uni and lived together. If our mutual friend arranged a get together for the people that went to uni together, I'd assume I wasn't invited. I think if you were invited you would know.

I don't really get the Mumsnet vibe of invited yourself to things with text message responses as mentioned above and being invited as a couple. Some things aren't for couples.

DH mentions it, assuming I was also on the WhatsApp group (I’m not) and when it turns out I’m not on the group - he takes it as I’m not invited, so he’s going for lunch not me.

Was the group created just for this catchup? You might not have been added because he might assume that adding your DH automatically includes you.

Can you contact him and clarify?

If the friend says you are definitely invited, I would be tempted to go, turning up early, and sit myself between 2 people I knew, so you didn't have to sit next to DH, and see the look on his face when he arrived.

Many years ago DH's friend (from high school & Uni) tried to contact us to invite us to his 21st, which was a night out at a restaurant. He called the house - and our housemate answered (another of DH's friends, this housemate only met DH and the 21st friend at Uni) and he invited all 3 of us - except the housemate didn't pass the message onto DH and I, and he purposely kept quiet for the next week - housemate didn't like me, so I think he didn't want me to come along.

On the morning of the party, housemate said he was going out that night, but didn't say what it was for (which was unusual). He left the house early that morning (also unusual - but it was to buy a present).

After he'd left, DH got a phone call from 21st birthday boy - as we hadn't RSVP'd to his party - this was the first DH and I had heard of it, and DH said we'd both be there.

I asked DH not to mention this to our housemate - to see what would happen if he returned later that day before the party and it took a lot of convincing to get DH to play along.

Friend came home in the afternoon with a shopping bag, and went and hid in his room. He went out again - so DH and I then got ready, but when we heard his car come back, we quickly put our dressing gowns on so it looked like we were going to cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie.

He left again - all dressed up. DH and I finished getting ready, then went to the restuarant - the look on our housemate's face was priceless - so worth it!

@ZombieMumEB Awesome story!!! What did your room mate say after that?

He didn't mention it at all. He moved out shortly afterwards.

The party was very awkward for him - but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside that he had been caught out.

DH was adamant that housemate had made a mistake and just 'forgot' to mention the party to us - and wanted to ask housemate if it had slipped his mind. As I said, it took a lot of convincing DH not to say anything as I wanted to see what the housemate would do.

When housemate returned first time with the shopping bag - it was pretty obvious he had gone present shopping and tried to be all secretive about it - DH then realised that housemate never planned on telling us.

Even though I was enjoying the awkwardness and found it hilarious - I did feel sorry for my partner - he realised housemate never intended to tell him, and DH felt quite hurt by this friend's actions.

It was worse when housemate left for the party, all dressed up - he even commented about us spending the night watching tv. DH was shocked this friend would do that to him - they've remained friends though, 25 years later. Rarely catch up though as in different cities.

I'd think that it was an invite to both, as similar happened to us. A get together of a group of friends that were initially dh's uni mates, but I'd got to know them, and it's been so many years now, I'd consider them friends too. Off dh went and returned telling me about it. He'd had a great time catching up, and mentioned various friend's partners and even a couple of children who had gone along.

So I asked, why wasn't I allowed, or ds? And what i got back was x hadn't mentioned partners or families in the messages, so he assumed it was only for those in the WhatsApp group.

Did he bother to ask x? No, he didn't even think about it. Apparently, why should he?

Later that evening, I received a message from x, saying sorry you and ds couldn't make it, hope all is well and catch up some other time.

Tell your DH to ask. If he won't, then go directly to the friend and ask them.

Tell your DH to ask

Given the 'D'H's attitude, I wouldn't even trust him to tell the truth. He obvs wants a meal out without his wife.

What is wrong with your husband? Of course he should take you to the lunch. It was likely a mistake that you were not invited in the first place! He sounds like a dick.

He certainly is.

Oh well, how embarrassing for him when he arrives and explains to your mutual friend that he assumed you weren’t invited.

When I got that text I would have written back what had honestly happened. And I would have had serious words with your husband.

This is from September pretty sure the night out is done.

I know right! Why do people do this? Sad.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4678030-what-is-this-you-might-also-like-clutter?page=6&reply=121591803

Blame Mumsnet!

This.

Your DH is being weird.

I was reading through the whole thread thinking of a response and find out it’s from a few months ago. Any update OP? Did you go?

I was going to say it’s an awkward situation as if he didn’t plan to invite you he’s hardly not going to invite you if your husband or you ask him. But given the situation and there not being a backstory I don’t see why you couldn’t go. Most reasonable people would understand you should invite/expect couple if having big lunch catch up.

Offs another out of date thread.

But did you go op?? 😁

To be fair I don’t go to most of dhs mixed uni meet ups unless partners are specifically invited. Partners generally only get invited to the big birthdays or weddings etc not regular meet ups.

I disagree with most posters. If you were invited you'd be on the group. UNLESS it was an existing group?

It's whatsap, not hand written invites - if you want somewhere there you invite them, you don't rely on messages being passed along