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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend lunch - not invited

127 replies

skgnome · 23/09/2022 16:15

I’ll start by saying I know I’m probably unreasonable - but I would like a sanity check
old friend from Uni is coming to the city we live
he was very close friends with DH, but I also considered him a good friend (have know him for 15+ years) - I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend
anyway he texted DH and a bunch of others (male and female) to say “I’m around, lunch at x…” informal place, everyone paying for themselves
DH mentions it, assuming I was also on the WhatsApp group (I’m not) and when it turns out I’m not on the group - he takes it as I’m not invited, so he’s going for lunch not me
I’m honestly pissed - yes he can have his own friends, and yes he can go for lunch with whoever he decides… but still Sunday lunch! and a large group of mutual friends are invited!
sort of annoyed at friend for not including me, at DH for not inviting me
give it to me straight - I know I’m unreasonable - but what now?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 17:03

Tell DH to add you to the group.

latetothefisting · 23/09/2022 17:08

Friend probably assumed you were in the group - I've got ongoing whatsapp and fb messenger chats for groups of old school/uni friends - partners have been added on here and there, and there are a few separate groups people sometimes message without a few people on (e.g. ones set up for hens/planning someone's bday), so I couldn't tell you who was on each one - I would just assume that anyone who wasn't would get told about it by their partner.

DH is being a dick and weird to assume it means you aren't invited, and to go without you and would feel like a knob if he got there and everyone asked where you were (although I think you should go anyway!)

RedHelenB · 23/09/2022 17:11

If its your dh's friend let him have sone space and meet up without you if that's what he wants.

YumYummy · 23/09/2022 17:11

Are the other halves of the original friends going?

YumYummy · 23/09/2022 17:13

RedHelenB · Today 17:11
If its your dh's friend let him have sone space and meet up without you if that's what he wants
I feel like this sometimes when my DH gets in on my friends. I don’t share all my friends now.

custardbear · 23/09/2022 17:17

Get in the WhatsApp group! And also go, you are surely invited!

Brigante9 · 23/09/2022 17:19

Speak to your mate, I bet he thinks you’re coming!

Awrite · 23/09/2022 17:26

I imagine you are invited and that friend would be mortified if he knew you were being left out.

Pretty shitty of your dh. He sounds like a dick.

Awrite · 23/09/2022 17:26

And yes, I would check with friend directly.

BadNomad · 23/09/2022 17:40

I'm going to be in the minority, but I wouldn't assume you were invited. You said "I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend" so not really someone with an independent friendship with the inviter? Are the other people invited all friends, or are some of them boyfriends/girlfriends like you? I'd feel a bit awkward if I invited my friend out for lunch and she brought her partner along.

Caroffee · 23/09/2022 17:41

It's your OH who is being unreasonable. The friend probably assumes your husband will invite you.

RealBecca · 23/09/2022 17:43

I had an ex like this. EX. What's his was his, what's ours is also his. He is actively excluding you by not just asking friend if you were also invited.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2022 17:45

Text the guy and say you don’t want to muscle in on the get together of old Uni friends but perhaps you could pop by for a quick drink at the end to say hi or alternatively the evening before with your dh as you’d love to catch up. Ask him if he has time.

Thurst · 23/09/2022 17:47

Unless it’s a lads night the assumption would be that you were both invited and if you weren’t I’d expect your husband to be annoyed on your behalf.

Heyisforhorses · 23/09/2022 17:55

BadNomad · 23/09/2022 17:40

I'm going to be in the minority, but I wouldn't assume you were invited. You said "I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend" so not really someone with an independent friendship with the inviter? Are the other people invited all friends, or are some of them boyfriends/girlfriends like you? I'd feel a bit awkward if I invited my friend out for lunch and she brought her partner along.

I agree with you, I think DP is only invited. Yes OP you are friendly with him but he's your DPs friend, they have more stories to look back on that you won't get. Having someone at an event and having to explain the story or watch their blank face while everyone else laughs is a pain.

Don't text the friend, either way he's going to say come along but you will always have that feeling that you really weren't invited in the first place. I also don't think your DP is being an ass either, I think he's entitled to go.

mushroom3 · 23/09/2022 18:00

I would assume you were invited and it's your DH who has mucked up

cinnabongene · 23/09/2022 18:08

Your husband is a twat, your friend isn’t. Just text the friend and say your coming so that you are on the booking and turn up!

Scianel · 23/09/2022 18:10

they have more stories to look back on that you won't get. Having someone at an event and having to explain the story or watch their blank face while everyone else laughs is a pain

Given that OP says but I also considered him a good friend (have know him for 15+ years I doubt she's going to be sitting there blank faced.

diddl · 23/09/2022 18:10

skgnome · 23/09/2022 16:25

Thanks, that’s what I’m thinking, he sent the invite as come with your partner, and my DH is being a bit of an ass for no reason!

Has he actually said to your husband that you are both invited or that he is looking forward to seeing both of you?

I'm not sure why you would assume that you are invited unless it's so usual for you to go along that an invitation is no longer needed.

BlooberryBiskits · 23/09/2022 18:15

TurtleSpurtle · 23/09/2022 16:37

Yeah, I would assume you were invited - this happens in our friendship group all the time and the assumption is You - if you are in a couple - is both of you.

^ agree. I have a group of friends who are mostly couples, & we also have a separate group which is just the girls.

When I organise things I sometimes message just the girls group (as it includes both the single’ & coupled women) I am expecting the coupled women to bring their OHs though

MrJi · 23/09/2022 18:15

Prinnny · 23/09/2022 16:25

Sounds like DH doesn’t want you to come. If it me was in this situation I’d reply to my friend saying ‘great we can make it, see you then’. It’s your partner keeping you away, not the friend.

This.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/09/2022 18:16

As your H&W he might have assumed he was inviting you both as a couple. Or he might have clicked on the wrong name if there's someone on his contacts with same name or similar.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 23/09/2022 18:17

Is the WhatsApp group friends and their partners or just friends? If it’s not a group with partners in and if you and the friend don’t usually message each other then I wouldn’t assume you’re invited.

Its great you get on with his friend but it can be annoying when I go to catch up with a friend I’ve not see in ages and then their partner tags along even if I get on really well with them and would class them as a friend. Like other posters have said it just changes the dynamic, and what you can talk about. I’m happy talking to my friend about personal stuff and yeah they probably share with their partner later but I wouldn’t feel able to talk about some things with their partner there.

I also I wouldn’t message his friend separately, maybe your DH needs some space to socialise without you. If you often socialise together maybe he sees this as a chance to do something separately and that’s okay, it’s just nice to have space/socialise apart sometimes.

BirdinaHedge · 23/09/2022 18:20

I’d assume your friend assumes that you and your DH are both coming.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 23/09/2022 18:24

I can’t understand why your partners automatic response wasn’t just “great, we’ll both see you there”

Odd!