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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend lunch - not invited

127 replies

skgnome · 23/09/2022 16:15

I’ll start by saying I know I’m probably unreasonable - but I would like a sanity check
old friend from Uni is coming to the city we live
he was very close friends with DH, but I also considered him a good friend (have know him for 15+ years) - I admit, I always was the GF/OH of his friend
anyway he texted DH and a bunch of others (male and female) to say “I’m around, lunch at x…” informal place, everyone paying for themselves
DH mentions it, assuming I was also on the WhatsApp group (I’m not) and when it turns out I’m not on the group - he takes it as I’m not invited, so he’s going for lunch not me
I’m honestly pissed - yes he can have his own friends, and yes he can go for lunch with whoever he decides… but still Sunday lunch! and a large group of mutual friends are invited!
sort of annoyed at friend for not including me, at DH for not inviting me
give it to me straight - I know I’m unreasonable - but what now?

OP posts:
mum11970 · 23/09/2022 18:28

I would assume you were invited too. I got a WhatsApp from a friend the other inviting me to a few drinks for her husband’s significant birthday and both my husband and I laughed that she must be making sure we got the WhatsApp as she’d messaged us both separately.

NanaNelly · 23/09/2022 18:28

It sounds as if your husband is enjoying playing some kind of power struggle and is putting you firmly in your place.

have you been getting on recently.

daisychain01 · 23/09/2022 18:31

DH mentions it, assuming I was also on the WhatsApp group (I’m not) and when it turns out I’m not on the group - he takes it as I’m not invited, so he’s going for lunch not me

So making the assumption you weren't invited, off he buggers to enjoy a lunch without you, not a care in the world, even though you know the friend, and your H knew you would be excluded if only because you aren't on their WhatsApp group.

what a tosser. He really doesn't like you very much does he.

napody · 23/09/2022 18:39

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 23/09/2022 18:24

I can’t understand why your partners automatic response wasn’t just “great, we’ll both see you there”

Odd!

This.
It's a big mixed sex group, not a one to one with your DH. Not sure why he is choosing to make it awkward.

Mybestyear · 23/09/2022 18:50

Explaintome · 23/09/2022 16:29

In that situation I'd assume that you were invited. It's DH who's being weird about it. Why?

This. If it was a “lad’s lunch” type thing fair enough - but a mixed crowd - DH is being a pest. Question is - why??

RincewindsHat · 23/09/2022 18:52

Of course you are invited, the inviter either thinks you're on the group chat or doesn't have your number. Either way, why would you be deliberately excluded? Your DH is being a dick.

MarchXX · 23/09/2022 18:59

I haven't read the thread, but reading your post my first thought is that no everyone has WhatsApp. I makes no sense that (a) your DH would assume you were not invited and (b) that his would confirm that you were invited. The answer would be "yes, of course" right? YANBU

billy1966 · 23/09/2022 19:24

Of course you were included and your husband is being deliberately unkind.

Why is the question.

With a husband like that who needs enemies.

Very very unkind.

Sorry OP.

SillySausage81 · 23/09/2022 19:25

I agree that this is a DH problem. The friend probably either thought you were in the Whatsapp group, or couldn't be bothered adding everyone and assumed that inviting your DH would be interpreted as inviting both of you.

DH for some reason is being weird and awkward.

adriftabroad · 23/09/2022 19:26

Definitely I would presume you were invited as

  1. 15 years friendship/on the scene
  2. mixed sexes/couples
  3. pub or similar casual on a Sunday and he wants a catch up with everyone
This is your DH being odd. It is not old male friends together bonding session, in which case YWBU. It is completely different.
adriftabroad · 23/09/2022 19:28

What next? I would just go.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 23/09/2022 19:33

So the invite said come with partners and your DH says you’re not invited?

I would just tell him you’ll both be going.

VroomVrooom · 23/09/2022 19:37

Why is everyone saying the inviter probably thinks the OP is on the WhatsApp group….?

It reads to me like he set the group up to invite people to this catch-up, so knows full well who is, and isn’t, in the group.

Don’t people use WhatsApp like this all the time?

adriftabroad · 23/09/2022 19:39

That is really not nice then is it? Not to mention paranoid making.

VroomVrooom · 23/09/2022 19:39

And yes, it’s a mixed group - but it’s probably the original group of friends from uni, not necessarily their partners.

Not saying partners aren’t invited - maybe they are, but actually, maybe they aren’t, as well.

adriftabroad · 23/09/2022 19:40

Was everyone at uni together OP? All the boys and girls? In that case it is different pp is right.

bringbackveronicamars · 23/09/2022 19:42

I'd have to question the strength of your marriage right now and I would say this to DH, calmly and quietly.

Jewel7 · 23/09/2022 19:58

I would think the mutual friends would assume you were coming as dh is! Surely dh has approached the subject?? If they were friends you knew separately then maybe not but it’s the same circle.

BadNomad · 23/09/2022 20:14

They're not mutual friends, though. He is DH's friend and only knows the OP because of that. Just because they're friendly and have spent time together, doesn't mean they are friends.

VroomVrooom · 23/09/2022 20:19

Yeah, they’re not really mutual friends.

They’re the DH’s friends who the OP has got to know over the years.

OldFan · 23/09/2022 20:28

It's your DH who's acted weird/nasty I think @skgnome . I think the friend would most likely have assumed you come as a set. x

pfs · 23/09/2022 20:34

I would be really fucked off with your H for deciding that you aren't invited, directly or indirectly and rather than querying this he is just going without you

this, it be different if it was lads only and you hardly knew the guy but it's not and I'd seriously see dh in a different light after his behaviour.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 23/09/2022 20:35

There will be other people there who you know? I would go separately from DH, not sit with him and enjoy the catch-up with the others.

Thelnebriati · 23/09/2022 20:35

Why is everyone saying the inviter probably thinks the OP is on the WhatsApp group….? It reads to me like he set the group up to invite people to this catch-up, so knows full well who is, and isn’t, in the group.

This. I'd be pissed off with both of them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2022 20:37

Just message the guy, a casual just double checking if its partners as well or just the original uni group, either way fine with me but thought I'd check before making other plans, or something. If he is your friend as well it will be fine.

Even if your husband thought you weren't invited though...if it's a group of mutual friends surely he would just take you along?