To think my daughter has no empathy?

[clearasnight]

My daughter (24) is in her second year of being a newly qualified social worker. She loves her job however I know she has had her challenges since starting. However, she seems to feel nothing towards the children and families she is working with. When I ask her how she can't feel anything when hearing some awful things she says she just 'switches off' and feels nothing.

She was like this in her training also, her advisor told her to crank up the self care as she was going to be reading and watching some really disturbing stuff. She said none of it disturbed her, it's what she expected, she's desensitised to it and she knows it's going on in the world so what's the point in being upset about it all she can do is try to help people and make small changes?

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying, she is very monotone and just seems to have no reaction. She relaxes fully when not at work which in itself is a good thing but I worry about her lack of empathy? AIBU to think to be a social worker you must have empathy? She's very cold.

What's she like outside work? With friends and family? Is she empathetic with them? You?

if she was constantly in tears and worrying she would never last as a social worker! She says all she can do is try to help people and she is right.
a lot of people on professions where they regularly deal with upsetting things are able to switch off to it, otherwise they wouldn't be much good at their jobs!

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying

And do you think that’s professional or appropriate? Do you think you could do a good job like this? No.

Not overly to be honest, I mean if I'm upset she will listen to me and nod along and tell me she understands that must be hard etc but then she will swiftly move on. She's not one to give a cuddle or cry at a film. She does express disgust at certain things and does say things like, 'I don't understand how anyone could hurt an animal or a child'. Her friendships are all fine

No of course not, which is why I'm not in the profession. But I also worry about her 'coldness' and is that a good thing as a social worker?

My sister is a solicitor and does family law/care proceedings etc. She was like this. Very detached, never needed the counselling the company offered for difficult cases etc. She's now had children and definitely finds it harder to compartmentalise.

Your daughter may have just fully understood and prepared herself for what was coming and is powering through. It's needed sometimes.

She sounds like she has developed healthy boundaries at a relatively young age (professionally) tbh. You just can’t do a job like that if you are going to be in tears every time you hear sad things.

I can understand how she is to be honest. A lot of people say “oh I’d find your job to upsetting” as I work with profoundly disabled children, many of whom are life limited. I don’t get emotional about it but I am very driven to do my job well and provide them and their parents with the best service I can.
they don’t need me crying into my pillow at night they need me to get the job done. I don’t think your dd lacks empathy or she wouldn’t be able to do the job.

**too

Sounds like she is perfect for the job OP.

Taking on the trauma of others means she would have her own mental health problems within weeks.

I work in a similar field. I've found that part of being good at this type of job is caring. It's not healthy to be sat crying all night... but there are some things you will mull over just because you need to reflect. I don't know if she has empathy or not... but I would find it odd if she never thinks of anything to do with work after hrs.

It is probably a benefit to be like that, she will be able to look at things as they are there than be influenced by emotions.

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying

And you want that for her?

You can still have empathy and care for the people you work with but try to distance yourself in order to not become overwhelmed. The reality is too much empathy in social work is probably a bad thing. I imagine those are are very affected by their work emotionally burn out and don’t last long.

Sorry but your daughter is right to be this way and it will stand her in good stead in her profession to actually help people and get things done.

It's the same with doctors, police officers, anyone who works in difficult situations with people. If they fell apart whenever distressing things happened, they would not function.

You have to have a filter and I'm sure she will be processing it deeper down in her own way, but it can be a case of once you start, it doesn't stop. People have left the profession for this reason. She's just putting in healthy boundaries in a way that makes sense to her.

She sounds well suited to the job. Lots of professions (social worker/ doctor/ psychologist) require some level of compartmentalising otherwise they would burn out and not be able to complete the job.

She'll do well in CS. They're moving away from the old style social workers imo, this is the quality they're looking for. It's so badly organised across the country that survival is key. SW struggle to remain I. The profession. There are high rates of sickness through anxiety. Empathy should be at the centre but the successful ones that stay and are consistent are the ones that compartmentalise their emotions from it. The way your daughter is doing. She's unlikely to crumble under the emotional weight of it all.

She just sounds like a strong person. Good for her!

This reminds me of a conversation with someone at a party once. He was talking about his ExOH & how she has Asperger's. He said she works as a Medic & her inability to empathise made her absolutely excellent at her job. She could sympathise, but wasn't able to put herself into their shoes & experience emotion herself about situations. This gave her a cool, calm head in the most horrendous moments (obviously this might not apply to all with Asperger's, & I'm not suggesting for a minute that your DD has it!)
Maybe look at why you're worrying about her not worrying??!

As long as she is caring enough to be able to do her job properly, I think it might actually be rather useful for a social worker to be able to detach from the work.

I am probably too far the other way, and I empathise too much with other people. It can be very draining.

She sounds perfect for the job. I couldn’t be a SW because i would be judgy and it would really affect me.

She sounds like she's going to be bloody good at her job. Not everyone is effusive with emotion, it's not a bad thing. I'd be proud rather than worried, she's helping with her professionalism more than tears and wailing will.

It's hard to tell how empathetic a person is sometimes as it's not something that everyone will visibly display. To be honest I get a bit cynical about people who put on a performance of how empathetic they are. Real empathy can be subtle.

You need to be able to behave like and ultimately feel like her to survive in child protection. You don’t need to have bucket loads of empathy or be easily disturbed. Have you considered that she’s chosen this path because her traits and qualities match what is required to be a good CP SW?

Is it because it’s a traditionally female occupied job that you feel she’s lacking as she doesn’t overflow with overt empathy OP?

would you judge a male surgeon the same? Or a male doctor?

One of the best sw i had Was so matter of fact, not emotional, some might have described her as cold. But it was just perfect, straight to the point, clear, exactly what I needed.