To think my daughter has no empathy?

[clearasnight]

My daughter (24) is in her second year of being a newly qualified social worker. She loves her job however I know she has had her challenges since starting. However, she seems to feel nothing towards the children and families she is working with. When I ask her how she can't feel anything when hearing some awful things she says she just 'switches off' and feels nothing.

She was like this in her training also, her advisor told her to crank up the self care as she was going to be reading and watching some really disturbing stuff. She said none of it disturbed her, it's what she expected, she's desensitised to it and she knows it's going on in the world so what's the point in being upset about it all she can do is try to help people and make small changes?

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying, she is very monotone and just seems to have no reaction. She relaxes fully when not at work which in itself is a good thing but I worry about her lack of empathy? AIBU to think to be a social worker you must have empathy? She's very cold.

No she sounds effective and sensible. I used to work in similarly intense and trauma focussed settings. The workers who never lasted long and were the least helpful were the people crying regularly, getting personally upset and angry and constantly commenting on how awful and horrendous everything was . We were all aware it was awful- we were mostly working around abuse of infants- nobody thought this was fine.
But the people who could detach and work effectively were more mentally healthy in the long run and were more efficient and helpful to the actual victims.
They didn't need some random worker crying over what happened to them- that doesnt help anybody- they needed people to be doing their jobs to get everything in place to protect them physically and legally- they needed people to advocate for them and to arrange professional care and support.
Your daughter sounds like one of the good ones

I think you’re mixing up empathy with being personally emotionally affected by something.

I’ve worked in emergency response / child protection / trauma jobs. I think I have lots of empathy. I go out of my way to help others, I’ve always worked in areas that help people, I run myself in to the ground volunteering, I’ve totally turned my life upside down to meet the needs of my kids, I can recognise and identify and allow for all the different influences that bring people to a point in their lives. But I’ve also been called unsympathetic, and standoffish by people who aren’t in dire situations. I’m not warm and cuddly. I have been known to say that I’m very sympathetic I just have a high bar of what deserves sympathy! I feel deeply sorry for people caught up in horrible situations, but it’s rare that I would feel personally affected.

I think she needs to be like that to do her job. It would be very unprofessional to be in tears and worrying.

She must have empathy or why would she have chosen to do a job that helps people, but is much less well paid than any number of others she could have gone for.

I’m a lawyer and used to deal with all kinds of horrible criminal cases. I can’t say it didn’t affect me at all, but I wouldn’t have done much for a job if I’d been in tears and worrying.

What do you mean by 'cold'? I'm assuming based on what you've said you just mean detached and tbh that's what you need for this job, surely? Same as being a doctor, or a policeman, or a crime scene investigator, or a family or criminal lawyer... you can't let cases get to you all the time or you won't do your job properly.

@waterrat yes I absolutely agree about a black sense of humour. That is definitely something I have and many of my colleagues too. We have to deal with things like coroner's enquiries where you hear a lot of awful stuff and gallows humour is a bit of armour that helps us get through it. Another team deals with historic child abuse claims. They are probably the most black humoured of the lot. (The jokes are never about the actual case material or people involved i must hasten to add.) Getting on with the job effectively enables us to achieve some sort of closure for those who need it. Running home in tears would not do much good!

Just because someone doesn’t emote doesn’t mean they lack empathy. Life has taught me some hard lessons on that score, since it’s often the outwardly effusive, emotional people who, when push comes to shove, turn out to be quite shallow and unsupportive. I’m actually quite an emotional person myself, but I know people who have real depth of empathy, and they seem quite controlled on the surface. A good friend of my sister who investigates csa in a big organisation for instance has a dark sense of humour and a tough exterior. You have to in order to do the job in the first place. I’m sure your daughter will become an excellent SW.

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying

It's a good thing you're not doing her job then, isn't it?

It comes across like you want to emotionally blackmail your daughter into suffering poor mental health because of her job.

Please don't do this.

Take a step back and consider it a positive thing that she IS able to disconnect.

I never cry. I didn't even cry when my much loved dad died. I am a doer, not a cryer. I get on with stuff that needs to be done.
I absolutely never cry at movies. Doesnt mean I am not empathetic, just that I express sadness differently.

Perhaps this is because she spends all day working with people who have objectively bigger problems and better reasons to be upset than you do?

I'm not trying to minimise your problems. We all care about our own problems.

But at the same time I can understand why someone who spends their days seeing people in really dire situations might struggle to drum up the same level of interest in someone else's minor problems during non working hours.

Some of us are stronger than others. For most jobs you need a certain personality.

I can remember my high school techer crying in front of us all! @weekendninja is totally right

My friend is an ICU nurse. Pretty much 80%+ of the patients on her ward will die. If she got emotional over every situation, she would have PTSD after just a month. She has to see it as just work. Yes it sounds a bit hard as nails, but that is the only way to get the job done. Your daughter will also be exposed to sad and difficult situations. Sounds like she has it sussed.

Social workers are exposed to some of the most horrific, vile, unimaginable situations possible and have to remain professional throughout. They also can't save everyone - meaning sometimes they will have to leave children in abusive homes, or they will watch as children grow up and repeat cycles of abuse/neglect and not be able to do a thing about it - other times they might to take children away from parents who truly do love their children but are unable to adequately care for them. It's a hard job and I personally wouldn't be able to do it, I think a lot of people couldn't (which is probably partly why there is a huge shortage of social workers).

I think you have to be like this to be a half decent social worker, surely?
Anything less and in a few years it'd be burn out (which is very common)

If you would be "constantly in tears or worrying" then you'd be a terrible social worker, wouldn't you? Sobbing at people you're trying to help isn't going to help them get out of shit situations.

She doesn't really sound cold at all, just not as emotional as you. Of course she cares about them, or she wouldn't have chosen this as a career.

I come from a family of social workers. Maybe it's resilience not a lack of empathy?

This.

And I cry at anything involving children / vulnerable being hurt, which is why I would be such a shit social worker despite the fact I care deeply.

We desperately need people like your daughter who care but are able to maintain their mental health and not be traumatised by what they see.

I feel like people like me, without us meaning to, would almost centre our reaction to this kind of work and make it all about us by getting noticeably upset by it.

She sounds like an excellent prospect as a social worker and that's something you can be really proud of.

Are you my mum??? 😂 I have worked in the social care sector for years and currently work for a well known organisation dealing with child abuse. You switch off, you actually have to to be able to do the job. It's also not helpful to cry or bring in your own feelings in a job like this.
Every now and again something sits with me but for no longer than a couple of days and it's normally just a thought of i hope the support help or get the support that helps.

People question how i do it all the time, it's literally your job to deal with it, it's like asking a nurse how there not sick at the sight of blood .

Was she "the strong one" as a child while others were falling apart or leaning on her for emotional support? Just wondered as my mum would probably say I don't support her enough, but that's because she leaned on me too much as a child, starting from very young. I now have to distance myself

I find your post disturbing, that’s your daughter, she’s making her way in life and you seem to be criticising her very being. I’d rather someone who was able to do her job like your daughter than a mother who felt compelled to attack their own child because they didn’t fit the mould they perceive as appropriate.

Surely you need to switch off to be able to do the job properly. It would be important to do the job if she became personally involved wth everyone and was in tears all the time . It doesn't mean she doesn't care though. Just that she is protecting herself and trying to do a good.job

I'm a SW, I think empathy is crucial for the role. As is reflexivity and reflection, which is a huge part of the training and day to day work. If we can't explore our own emotional world and behaviour in relation to the families we work with, it undoubtedly affects the quality of our assessments.

She sounds shut down, her way of surviving atm perhaps. Social work is a job you have to learn to survive in. In time and experience perhaps she will let her guard down and realise she can balance having feelings and her own emotional experience, whilst maintaining professional boundaries. It doesn't have to be a case of having one over the other

I know lots of people who cry at movies and tv shows and ads on telly and say things like 'I don't understand how anyone could hurt an animal or a child' who are really selfish and self absorbed and actually lacking in real empathy.
Your daughter has chosen a career to help people who badly need it. I would say she’s plenty empathetic. In a real way and not a superficial way.

She sounds perfect for the job in all honesty. It takes a certain type of person to truly succeed in that sector.

I am an ex SW, ex because I had a huge breakdown. Poor management, no support, unable to compartmentalise, personal problems etc etc. All of those things and more played a part in my breakdown.

I have better and healthier boundaries now after some therapy and lots of time off from my work and studies. I’ve returned to care work but won’t be returning to SW.

I remember being in the back of an ambulance and the paramedics were talking to me about the fact they are desensitised to people who are injured, very unwell and even dying. They said to me it’s their job and some days after something horrific it is natural to feel sad but that feeling goes pretty quick and the next day it goes on again

My SILworks with dead bodies and she finds it all fascinating but I wouldn’t be able to do it. I sometimes wonder how she’s so desensitised to it but she is offered counselling as well as sometimes you can get ptsd in these jobs

Anyway we’re all different and there has to be people on this earth who are desensitised otherwise none of these jobs would be able to be done!

Crying is not the only measure of empathy.

She’s doing something to help- surely that is a sign she empathises deeply. She wants better for those concerned and is making it happen.