To think my daughter has no empathy?

[clearasnight]

My daughter (24) is in her second year of being a newly qualified social worker. She loves her job however I know she has had her challenges since starting. However, she seems to feel nothing towards the children and families she is working with. When I ask her how she can't feel anything when hearing some awful things she says she just 'switches off' and feels nothing.

She was like this in her training also, her advisor told her to crank up the self care as she was going to be reading and watching some really disturbing stuff. She said none of it disturbed her, it's what she expected, she's desensitised to it and she knows it's going on in the world so what's the point in being upset about it all she can do is try to help people and make small changes?

I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying, she is very monotone and just seems to have no reaction. She relaxes fully when not at work which in itself is a good thing but I worry about her lack of empathy? AIBU to think to be a social worker you must have empathy? She's very cold.

it’s also such a dismissal of the role and training involved in SW to think that empathy is the most crucial part. It’s not about just holding hands and crying with someone. You need an awful lot of knowledge, theory, skills, experience and training.

I think you lack empathy as you are unable to grasp that people may have a different, more effective personality for dealing with emotionally demanding jobs. Wimpy weepers are no use to anyone in social work, some people show caring through deeds, not words, which is a million times more helpful than bleeding hearts like yours. You should be incredibly proud of your daughter and in no way consider yourself any better or more empathetic than her - quite the opposite.

I work in a difficult area and you have to learn to step back a bit. You can't do the job if you can't compartmentalize. It's horrible in some ways but essential for self maintenance which is key in the role. Also if she was unable to do this and got overly involved with families personal feelings may come into which means children may have less safeguarding.

YABU.
you have to distance yourself emotionally in this line of work or you will become particularly overwhelmed. It’s the same reason why medics, firemen, policemen, lawyers etc often have very dark senses of humour.

Your daughter has found a coping mechanism in order for her to do an exceptionally difficult job. You should be proud of her, not criticising her.

I work in a job where I have to compartmentalise - clear & separate boundaries between professionalism and feelings. I'd go under if I didn't and wouldn't be able to do my job properly. I'm far from lacking in empathy.

You should be grateful that there are people like your daughter in the world - otherwise these jobs would not get done effectively!

Your daughter isn't cold, she just isn't as sensitive as you.

But I also worry about her 'coldness' and is that a good thing as a social worker?

First of all, just because she doesn't show emotions in the way you deem appropriate, that doesn't mean she lacks empathy. By saying 'That must be hard' when someone tells her they're having a tough time, she is expressing empathy. Empathy isn't about hugging and crying. Empathy is the feeling, not the expression of the feeling.

If she had no empathy then I doubt she would have become a social worker in the first place. She's a social worker because she cares. And being able to keep a lid on emotions and not to let personal feelings influence decisions, and being able to put thoughts of distressing things, are traits you really need if you work with a lot of distressing information or situations. I used to work as a press officer in the criminal justice system and I read and saw appalling things on a daily basis and was present at some extremely upsetting trials. I certainly felt empathy for victims, and even occasionally for criminals, and for the families of the people involved and so on. But obviously I couldn't go around showing anger or distress about anything - neither could the lawyers or the police or the court staff. You have to be professional and calm and if you can't compartmentalise these things in your head, then you shouldn't really be doing a job where you have to work with distressing subject matter.

"I just feel like if I was doing her job I would constantly be in tears or worrying,"

And do you really think care homes etc. need employees like this? Or animal shelters need people crying over little puppies or those who sometimes "switch off" and do their job?

I'm a SW who's spent the last 13 years working either in front line child protection teams or as a Family Court Guardian where some of the cases coming through Court were just horrendous. Your daughter sounds similar to me when I qualified, young, no children, able to compartmentalise and deal with things without our own emotions clouding things, I think that made me a good social worker. I wouldn't say she lacks empathy as I certainly don't feel I ever did, it's just a case of professionally showing that empathy, actively listening, focussing on the child.
Don't get me wrong the ability to detach was more difficult after I had children and some things do turn my stomach more and upset me but you have to be able to switch off or it's a career that will just chew you up.

Your daughter is also very early in her career, she won't have had the hardest, most harrowing cases yet, she'll very likely need support in years to come when there's something she can't shake off (I still choke up thinking of one of the mothers I worked with 10 years ago). For now I wouldn't press her, if she wants to talk about work she will if she doesn't then assume that she's managing things, we used dark humour a lot when I was in front line and it was a coping mechanism that lots of Social Workers needed, I certainly wouldn't have appreciated my mum badgering me about how I do it, how she'd be in tears etc.

Also, in the nicest possible way it's annoying as hell to constantly have people saying that they don't know how you do a particular job, oh the poor children, bloody druggies etc. So my tolerance for talking about my job with anyone not in the field has always been pretty low.

OP, I am not being mean when I ask this but are you quite an emotional person?

I am, if someone cries near me I cry too, I constantly imagine how people are feeling about things and if something is happening in my life I find it difficult to compartmentalise.....that is why I am not a social worker.

Maybe growing up in an environment where people are a bit emotional (again, I am not saying it's a bad quality, it's just not always helpful) has made your daughter amazing at dealing with her own emotions and not letting them spill over.

It sounds to me like she'll be an excellent social worker. She obviously cares about people and wants to do her best to help them, but she won't be dragged down by it herself. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of friends and family members train for similar roles and then sink because they cannot deal with things emotionally.

I would be concerned if she was delighted/ entertained by the awful things she sees or if she said she was fine but was acting differently (started drinking heavily or withdrawing) but from what you have outlined her approach seems quite healthy....unless you've failed to mention something?

YABU. As long as she makes the right decisions to help people she’s working with she doesn’t need to be crying over their situations. I actually find people who get emotional over other people’s problems incredibly annoying as it makes the issue all about them.

I’m like your daughter - I fully appreciate when something is horrific but I don’t actually feel any emotion. The only time I feel emotions really is if something happens directly to me. I’m totally the wrong person to go to if you want a cry and a cuddle, but I’m great at practical honest advice and help.

I work in a really disturbing field - I speak to people who have been abused/ tortured etc regularly. I actually do generally find I can disconnect from it/ compartmentalise - I know I don't lack empathy as I am choosing to do this work so I can help people. Sometimes something will particularly bother me.

But generally I'm able to think - well, I'm doing what I can to help them and switch off - that's what makes me good at my job!

Being in floods of tears would be supremely unhelpful for a social worker.

Lots of people in these fields have a dark sense of humour or are just quite calm and detached.

i’m not a social worker but have worked alongside them. i’ve seen many come and go. Take it for me the only ones that last are the ones that are as hard as nails.

I worked in a very similar field and I'm similar to your daughter. These things happen- they shouldn't- but they do, it's no good hand wringing and moping about it. You've got to just get on with helping people to move on and resolve it in the most professional way possible.

If I'd been too empathetic we would have got no where and I'd have had depression within weeks.

she would be no good if she was always panicking and upset by it.

I mean could you imagine calling for the fire brigade and the call handler loses their shit panicking? A pilot who doesn’t have the calm and controlled voice? People doing autopsy’s crying onto the cadavers? A police man/women breaking down upset because someone’s been shot, rather than giving case? Wouldn’t be good would it.

Your daughter sounds fantastic, and I think it’s really sad that of all people it’s her mother criticising her.

The previous poster that mentioned a dark sense of humour is so right too!

Wish I was more like this! I have too much empathy. Its almost like I feel other peoples sadness too much.

I have aspergers. And a complete and utter emotional wet blanket.

I'm undergoing resilience training. I'm mid 30s.

Good on your DD. She's going to be awesome in her job 😁

I would think she needs to be like that to do her job and she's well suited to her career.

Bleeding heart social workers are going out of fashion. What's needed now are people to take the facts and get on with the job. Your daughter sounds perfect.
"Empathy" is just the current buzz word for people to boast that they give a shit. They often don't. Your daughter has chosen a profession that helps those who have fallen through the net, and that is to be commended.

I think this is how my mother would describe me. She thinks I am "cold" and "hard" and don't care about anyone. That is certainly not true. I've always been stoical and resilient but I definitely care about people a LOT and I have a strong moral compass. Your daughter sounds similar - her comment about it being wrong for anyone to hurt a child or animal is not a remark someone dispassionate would make.

It has actually stood me in good stead in relationships and my career (fast paced and stressful profession). It does not mean I do not feel/suffer anything but generally I am good at coping, including supporting others who need it.

My mother seems to think my sister is morally superior because she is sensitive and cries a lot. In fact she is actually quite self centred because she is always focused on how things affect HER rather than the person they are happening to.

Your daughter sounds ideal for a social worker role. Someone weeping and wailing their way through the working day would not provide the service users with what they need. I have a friend who is a social worker for older people in need of care. She is very efficient and no nonsense, good at leaving the job at the door but she absolutely does care about doing a good job and her managers clearly agree given the promotions she has received.

I'm a counsellor and have huge empathy for my clients. However I have to compartmentalise. I wouldn't be any help to anyone if I started crumbling every time a client discussed being raped by their dad or their husband physically abusing them.

OP are you feeling like she’s not empathetic to you ? Your concern around her job seems like it might me masking something else that is maybe more around you?