This is a bit of a novel but the back story is kind of needed.
Basically I feel very angry towards SIL and BIL and I'll be spending a weekend with them later in the year …
My husband and I have been together for over 17 years and married for 12 of those.
I always got on ok with my SIL, we don’t have anything in common but there has always been polite chit-chat during visits. Tho we don’t hang out together.
She has 2 older girls, high school and primary age. I’ve got a boy who is now 4. I’ve always felt that she and BIL have a kind of know-it-all / matter-of-fact way of telling you how it is… like if I say he’s teething badly, he’s been misbehaving at nursery , he’s waking at 5am every day then they’ll immediately cut you off and say ‘that’s what it’s like’, ‘it’s a phase’, ‘we went through that and this is what to do’ … that’s all fine and everything but there seems to be a lack of listening and empathy and more telling you how it was for them and how it should be for you. (not sure I’m explaining that properly).
Anyway, cut to the first lockdown in March 2020. My bow was 1 year and 10 months old. We immediately had aggressive behaviour from our boy, for about a week then he settled into the routine of being home. Nursery was closed for 17 weeks and when he started back (at just turned 2) the aggression came back. We then had 9 weeks of this behaviour. He would be ok then a ‘tantrum’ would start – mostly with no trigger we could identify. Except these didn’t feel like his usual tantrums. He would physically attack us – biting, hitting, scratching… if we put him down he would harm himself – banging his head, punching himself in the face, scratching himself… or he would throw anything and everything at us, and if we cleared everything away he would try to flip the table or go for the lamp. The meltdowns could go on for up to 4.5 hours and we really tried everything to diffuse them.
We were obviously upset and when this first started, within days we mentioned it to BIL and SIL and we were immediately met with ‘what did you expect?’, ‘they’re called tantrums’, ‘that’s what having a child is like’, ‘they don’t call it the terrible two’s for nothing!’, ‘you’re not the only people with children’… and when we tried to explain that his behaviour has changed overnight and could be linked to the change of routine that was dismissed – we were labelled as dramatic first time parents. When I brough up him harming himself I was told by SIL that ‘no, he isn’t’, when I described exactly what he was doing (as mentioned above) she said he didn’t know what he was doing and didn’t mean it… she then changed the subject abruptly and after that they stopped asking how he was and it was never mentioned till we next saw them in the garden for a socially distanced birthday meal. Where my boy was brilliantly behaved – which she pointed out – ‘he seems ok now, see, it’s just a phase’. This was after he was given a slice of chocolate cake the size of his head and a party bag! And the behaviour was still going on but again dismissed when I pointed this out.
I was very angry and upset by how they responded to it all.
Since then we don’t see much of SIL and BIL. Husband and I felt disappointed by their judgement and lack of support. I put myself into counselling a year ago to try and process it all and get my anger, mostly with SIL, out of my system as well as deal with the stress I’d been through and some other personal issues.
Going back to the terrible behaviour July 2020 – A few weeks into it, when there was no let up I called the health visitor who was brilliant. She got us Zoom behavioural workshops and did a home visit later in the year. And the nursery manager, who had the same behaviour from him, was brilliant and called us regularly to work with us to try and support him as best they could. We didn’t get to the bottom of his behaviour and the HV said it was too early to say but that it was likely the disruption to his routine and said he was displaying behaviour similar to children who had been through some sort of trauma. I did ask if she thought he might havd ADHD or something else and she said he was too young for that kind of assessment unless he had severe symptoms, which he didn’t. Nursery allowed us a place at their hub for the second lockdown and when he was back in his routine his behaviour was great and he thrived. He was a different boy – it was like night and day.
As his mum I do notice things: has only started jumping, doesn’t like to wear new jackets or shoes, has a fear of new things, diet has narrowed down, hums a lot, shouts one word repeatedly, still hits his hear or eye when he’s excited, has some pronunciation trouble and a bunch of other stuff. Then recently nursery had weeks of bad behaviour (which we think was due to about 15 3 year olds moving up to his room and some of his friends going to school), he was hitting and throwing and having meltdowns for up to 1.5 hours where they had to remove him from the room and take him into the office. The manager had me in for a meeting and while it was upsetting she was brilliant, she said she wanted to observe him for 4 weeks as she thought he could have an ASN or difficulty processing his emotions. During the observation they put different methods into place to support him and he responded really well and he’s not been removed from the room since the observation period which was July. The manager said she’s pleased with his progress and doesn’t feel the need to take it further.
But I decided to call the health visitor myself just for piece of mind and if there is something going on my husband and I just want to be able to support him as best we can, ahead of him going to school next year. When I got the call back we had a recap on the previous behaviourla stuff and how he’s been brilliant since then but how he had been having difficulty recently. Then I read her some of the things from the list above and more and she said there were some things that stood out and could indicate autism. She asked what our expectations were and I said we just wanted him to thrive and if we could get to the bottom of it all and could put a name to it then we could support him, as I said above. And she agreed.. So she’s coming out in October for a home visit and will also speak to nursery. She thinks he will likely go on the very long waiting list for an autism assessment (sorry I don’t know the correct terms or name for it).
So… that what’s been going on and this is where we are at. Husband and I decided not to tell any of our family (both sides) what’s going on till we know a bit more as we just don’t want the judgement. We’d rather be in a position to say ‘our boy has this, this is how we support him, this is how you can support him when he’s at your place’.
Now the reason for my post: since nursery said he may be ASN and HV now saying it could be autism… I feel incredibly angry towards BIL and SIL. I know that all happened 2 years ago and I thought I’d gotten over it… but it makes me extremely cross when I think about what they said and how shit husband and I were made to feel… how they just brushed it all off when all along my boy may be autistic and that’s why he reacted how he did. How we were not listened to and supported in any way.
Coming up we have a family weekend away to celebrate a big family anniversary and we’ll be staying in a big barn with them there… as we don’t see them often they will likely see some of his behaviour over the 2 night stay. They may point it out. They will likely think we’re too lenient with him and not strict enough… they may just think he’s spoilt or a bad child? This is just me getting ahead of myself I know… but I can’t help thinking about it ansd expecting the worst. They always just tell us 'how it is' and pass judgement and I'm not really feeling prepared for that so I'm apprehensive about the whole thing.
So here is my AIBU bit…
AIBU to have all this anger towards them?
And any advice on how to let it go / deal with it better / how to be in their presence?