Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP I want separate beds?

101 replies

Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:07

Yes our bedroom would look weird. And it's a small bedroom so there would only be a small gap, I'd have to get rid of our bedside table too.

But I'm so sick of getting kicked and punched in the night. He has awful dreams and night terrors. Think it's to do with his medication, venlafaxine, which he's been on over a decade.

Last light I was woken from a dead sleep by him trying to hit me and shouting about a knife. I tried to wake him but he kept shouting about it until he rolled over.

6am I am woken by a full force kick to my legs.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's like 5 nights out of the weeks I'm either physically attacked or woken by him mumbling shit down my ear or shouting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:10

I've been punched, kicked, bitten. Called names. He thinks I'm whonever he is dreaming about, usually a killer or burglar.

He also has restless leg issues and rolls about all over the show.

He gets SO sweaty.

I feel awful but I just want a peaceful sleep.

Am even considering bunk beds.

Like a double bunk at bottom then if he's having a bad night I can get up on the single above.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 23/09/2022 07:11

Separate rooms?

44PumpLane · 23/09/2022 07:11

Is there any way you could have separate bedrooms? If you don't have the space for it then definitely separate beds.

I appreciate he is asleep when it's happening but he is assaulting you nightly, if he's not willing to do anything about it when he's awake then that's pretty bad I my book.

Krakinou · 23/09/2022 07:11

Is he aware he’s attacking you in his sleep? I’d be horrified if I was doing this to my partner and would agree to separate beds without hesitation.

toastofthetown · 23/09/2022 07:12

Could you have a separate room? In the same room you’d still hear all the shouting and so on.

Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:13

We don't even have enough bedrooms for the kids so zero chance of separate rooms.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/09/2022 07:14

Why would you feel bad about this? Also separate beds won't solve the shouting issue. I would be sleeping in separate rooms even if it meant a sofa bed in the lounge tbh.

Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:14

Krakinou · 23/09/2022 07:11

Is he aware he’s attacking you in his sleep? I’d be horrified if I was doing this to my partner and would agree to separate beds without hesitation.

Yes and he feels awful.

I've never mentioned separate beds before.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/09/2022 07:15

God, that is awful. Separate rooms sounds best. He can't know what he's doing or surely he would have suggested it himself.

I hope he is genuinely asleep and unaware of his actions. But anyway, it's not safe for you to be in the same room, let alone bed.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 23/09/2022 07:17

Yanbu but this is awful.
I am trying to work out how to break it to DH that getting separate bedrooms is the only way our marriage won't end in divorce or murder, and that's only because of his snoring and occasional sleep-yelling - he has never been mobile in his sleep so never attacked. You are actually in danger of harm. You need separate bedrooms. This isn't a want, it's a need, you aren't safe and your safety is a lot more important than his feelings.

Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:17

beastlyslumber · 23/09/2022 07:15

God, that is awful. Separate rooms sounds best. He can't know what he's doing or surely he would have suggested it himself.

I hope he is genuinely asleep and unaware of his actions. But anyway, it's not safe for you to be in the same room, let alone bed.

Of course he is. Are you suggesting my lovely, gentle husband is faking sleep issues for over a decade as a covert excuse to randomly kick me at 4am?! Think about that!

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 23/09/2022 07:19

Has he suggested anything? In my household, I’m the bad sleeper: I move a lot, steal covers, take up all the room, grumble a lot and a couple of times a year I’ll accidentally kick or hit DH. If he wanted to sleep separately I’d understand it, and I suggest it too if he’s mentioned I’ve disturbed his sleep. Sleep is important and why there might not be anything he can do to control it, and if you don’t want to put up with it anymore that’s fine.

StillWaitingOverHere · 23/09/2022 07:19

This must be awful op. Separate beds at the very least. Tbh I don’t think bunk beds would give you much peace if he’s rolling around and fidgeting - you’d still feel that up in the single bunk. Has he been to speak to anyone to ask for help with managing it?

Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:20

We can't have separate bedrooms. We are in a 3 bedroom housing association property with both sexes of children in each room. We don't have a separate dining room to convert.
There is literally nowhere to go, so separate beds in the only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:21

StillWaitingOverHere · 23/09/2022 07:19

This must be awful op. Separate beds at the very least. Tbh I don’t think bunk beds would give you much peace if he’s rolling around and fidgeting - you’d still feel that up in the single bunk. Has he been to speak to anyone to ask for help with managing it?

Because I'm so used to it the fidgeting and rolling doesn't even really register much anymore.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 23/09/2022 07:21

You aren't wrong. We have separate rooms for similar, but less extreme reasons. My husband had a sleep study and is on medication which really tones it down. Has your husband seen the GP about this?

BungleandGeorge · 23/09/2022 07:22

Has he been to the doctor?

ColeensBoot · 23/09/2022 07:22

Absolutely separate beds! At least a duvet each in the meantime.
Sounds exhausting

TooHotToTangoToo · 23/09/2022 07:23

That sounds terrible op, you must be constantly half awake / sleeping in case he kicks off. I bet you've not had a decent nights sleep in years .

I'd definitely go for either separate beds or the bunk bed idea. The bunk bed might be better so you can still go to sleep on the top bunk most nights, but you've also got the option of sleeping together on odd occasions

beastlyslumber · 23/09/2022 07:26

It's worth asking OP. I don't know you or your husband but your post explained he is putting you in danger and yet you seem nervous about how to tell him you need a separate room. So of course it rang an alarm bell.

If it were me doing this to my partner, I'd be sleeping on the sofa and they wouldn't have to ask.

Bunnyfuller · 23/09/2022 07:26

My dad had this. It’s a medical issue. Go to doc and they can prescribe something for it.

good luck

gamerchick · 23/09/2022 07:28

Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:14

Yes and he feels awful.

I've never mentioned separate beds before.

Show quote history

He should have though. Why is he sharing a bed with you, knowing he's attacking you?

CrystalCoco · 23/09/2022 07:31

Of course YANBU to suggest separate beds, personally I'd opt for a sofa bed in the living room seeing as your bedrooms are all at full capacity already.

YABU in the need to ask MN / worried about hurting his feelings - he's physically hurting your body and affecting your sleep, I don't know how you can even relax at all and get to sleep when there's the potential to be punched and/or kicked at any moment during the night.

ehb102 · 23/09/2022 07:31

Separate beds and separate rooms are the dirty secret of long and good marriages. So many people do that but feel.embarrassed to say. Sleep is vital.

GreenManalishi · 23/09/2022 07:32

This wouldn't even be a question for me. Sofa bed in the lounge. No tiptoeing around it either.