To tell DP I want separate beds?

[Penggy]

Yes our bedroom would look weird. And it's a small bedroom so there would only be a small gap, I'd have to get rid of our bedside table too.

But I'm so sick of getting kicked and punched in the night. He has awful dreams and night terrors. Think it's to do with his medication, venlafaxine, which he's been on over a decade.

Last light I was woken from a dead sleep by him trying to hit me and shouting about a knife. I tried to wake him but he kept shouting about it until he rolled over.

6am I am woken by a full force kick to my legs.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's like 5 nights out of the weeks I'm either physically attacked or woken by him mumbling shit down my ear or shouting.

Separate beds would be the minimum I'd need. Is there any way you could get a good quality sofa bed so that one of you could use that?

Some posters are being incredibly (deliberately?) over the top dramatic. She’s not a domestic violence victim. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it. He cannot control it. It’s his subconscious.

She should not use violence towards him in return. That would make her an abuser because she would be choosing this path.

OP, DH and I have separate rooms for much more milder reasons. He should not have an issue with this - if he is a nice guy.

Yea we’d be in separate rooms if this was our situation.

Your husband needs a medication review asap.

Treating his mental health at the detriment of your own is no way to live. There must be other medications or treatment he can be given.

Until he has been to the doctor then perhaps suggest he sleeps on the sofa temporarily. If his medication can be sorted you may not need single beds.

Right; you'd think he'd remove himself to the sofa voluntarily, or an inflatable air bed on the floor if necessary, without having to be asked.

That he hasn't suggested or implemented any such thing is concerning.

He needs to see a doctor, that can't be doing him any good!

Separate beds or a bolster pillow down the middle? How big is your bed now?

Definitely separate beds, however two singles makes it a challenge for the two of you to enjoy time in bed together.

Venlafaxine can be extremely difficult to come off of. It often has severe withdrawal symptoms that are worse than any symptoms it is treating. Many people stay on velafaxine just because it is too awful to come off of, even with very slow titrations.

I’m a stupidly light sleeper, so DH and I started off having separate duvets on the same bed, but now we have 2 single beds. We put a super king bedspread over the top of it each day, so it’s not so obvious. Some nights we pull the beds apart slightly, but then just put them back together the following morning. I sleep better and so we’re both much happier 😂

I think you should have separate beds, but I also agree he needs a medicine review.

Surprised he hasn’t suggested this himself though - I don’t think I could go to bed at night if I thought I’d attack someone in my sleep.

DH needs to see the GP about this, he can be helped
In the meantime I would look at replacing the sofa in the lounge with a(decent) sofa bed so you can get some proper sleep

You say your DH is lovely - therefore I can't think for a minute that he would have an issue with separate beds. I also like the idea of a sofa bed downstairs for the really bad nights.

Definitely get a medication review.
My dh has had night terrors since childhood but anxiety meds made them worse.
Some nights he would grab me around my neck which was very frightening. In his dreams I was always falling and he was trying to save me.
He is much better now he’s stopped his meds.
His dm and our ds also had/have night terrors.

And next time he kicks you, kick him back equally hard, so that he knows exactly how it feels for you.
Please don't do this, it will more than likely escalate his terrors. There are clearly quite a few PPs who know nothing about night terrors. I absolutely sympathise with the OP but I am a night terror sufferer and when it happens it is truly terrifying. I wake up with heart racing and often screaming. OP, would waking him gently work? My daughter comes in from the other room and that often does the trick.

Would a kingsize bed work OP, and put a bolster down the middle?

You have my sympathies.

My husband & I have not only separate beds but separate rooms (I suppose we are lucky to have the space)
He used to snore like a bull elephant, thrash about, kick and talk rubbish in a loud voice.
After 5 months of being married I was ready to walk out as I was exhausted through lack of sleep. So we parted company at night (for sleeping).

Now it's bliss !

YANBU in the slightest. If you feel that sleeping totally separately in bunk beds or in beds which are far apart in a small room won’t really work, you could get a king sized bed that has two split bases with separate mattresses and duvets (like they have in hotels and move about depending on people wanting a twin or a double room) and pull them apart a foot or two. The gap between the beds will stop him touching you. You’ll be able to hear him, of course.

Could one of you sleep in sitting room?

It sounds to me like he needs to see his GP and have a discussion about a referral for therapy. Does he have some sort of trauma which gives him flashbacks etc?

My boyfriend once had a nightmare and violently grabbed my shoulders and shook me in his sleep. It’s only happened once in the 5 years we have been together, and he had no memory of it at all. But it was quite scary for me.

If it was a regular thing like your experiencing I would definitely get separate beds… Have you tried a long pillow separating you both making a barrier and maybe separate duvets so you both have your own space in the bed?

YANBU. I've been there. My partner has recently been diagnosed with REM Sleep Behaviour Disorder and Restless Leg Syndrome. The Sleep Consultant has told us under no circumstances can we continue to sleep in the same bed as it could be detrimental to my health. Look up REM sleep behaviour disorder. It's exactly what you described, they act out dreams usually violent ones. Get him to seek medical help there is medication that can help.

Set up a camera to record your husbands night behaviour then show it to him.
If he can’t see why you NEED to sleep separately then I’d rethink the relationship.
You are being subjected to physical abuse every night. Just because he is doing it while asleep doesn’t excuse it & that also doesn’t make it hurt any less!
Many married couples sleep separately.

Just to also add that I was in Venlafaxine for 6years & this was not a behaviour I exhibited ever. Something else is possibly going on while your husband is sleeping & he needs a sleep assessment to get to the bottom of what it is.

Are you joking? I would have been out of there so fast the draught would wake him up 😂 separate beds? Try separate rooms! Imo you are being unreasonable by not getting separate beds. x

You could try a super king if he won't go for separate beds. There is a massive gap in between you, I can only just reach my husband with my leg if I stretch right out. We got super king as I need a cpap and a big body pillow, plus pets on the bed. Very glad we got it.

Won't solve the shouting and things, but may use up less room than two singles.

My DH has done this twice - both times within 24 hours of a general anesthetic. He was mortified and the last time he had a general anesthetic he insisted on sleeping separately from me for a couple of nights in case it happened again.
I'm amazed that you think your DH might have a problem with this solution.

DP needs a sleep assessment

He needs to sleep in a separate room, downstairs perhaps, until this is sorted